When it rains in the desert

To be afraid is to be dead

"I'm afraid" her breathing was becoming shallow and raspy. "My uncle taught us that to be afraid was to be dead" she laughed. Clearly at the irony of this.

"What are you afraid of love?" At this point I just needed to keep her conscious enough until the paramedics made it.

"I'm afraid I have no pulse." She said trying to move. I held her body back down shaking my head at her, telling her not to move.

"I don't think it's there." She whispered as though someone was here with us. I looked around before I told her " Don't be silly Ceils of course you have a pulse, if you didn't have a pulse you wouldn't be sat here keeping me company right?" I was moving closer to her so she could see that I was there. The thought of her not having a pulse scared the shit out of me, I didn't even want to think about what happened if she died.

I thought about how ungrateful I'd been. How I'd believed that the worst thing to happen was to not know where she was, to not have her with me. But that clearly wasn't the case. The worst thing was to know she was never coming back.

I slowly held her hand and pulled it up to her neck so she could feel it, that it was still there but she dropped her hand before it got there. I looked at her, confusion clearly written all over my face. She shook her head and said "I'm even more afraid that it will be there" I kept eye contact as she carried on "if I reach up to my neck right now- "

Her breathing was becoming more labored but the minute, where was the damn ambulance?

She swallowed and carried on " if I reach up to my neck right now, there will be a pulse. If there is a pulse then that means I don't have a hole in me where my heart is supposed to be. That's where the love is right? My heart ."

She tried to bring her hand up to my chest but it fell again. I took her hand and held it at my chest. "It means there is physically nothing wrong with me" she looked back at me and I could tell she was fighting to stay awake. "It means that I'm just broken. My parents never loved me, no matter how much I fought for their love they never did." A tear rolled down her cheek, leaving a clean path through all of the dust that had collected on her face from the fall.

"Why didn't they love me Jacob?" A tear fell on my hand and it took me a moment to realize it had come from me. "If I don't check my pulse, I can believe no one wanted me because I was dead. Maybe I am dead. Maybe it'd be easier"

I was crying now, I felt the tears spilling over my cheeks one after the other and when I pulled her into me she was barely breathing. There was barely any life left in her . "No Celia, it wouldn't" I couldn't get my words out fast enough.  "It wouldn't b-be easier no no no" I was cradling her in my chest now crying, sobbing uncontrollably, I could no longer feel the rise and fall of her chest.

"Celia please, please hold on just a little- Celia please. " I was screaming now, looking at the broken floor around us. I pulled her back and saw her. Her eyes were still open and I couldn't breathe. I could barely see from the tears.

I brought her back into my chest and held her head up to my mouth. "We weren't done. We- we weren't finished yet." I said it against her hair, rocking us both back and forwards, brushing her hair down. "No, no, you're going to be okay baby, you're going to be fine" I lifted her up against my chest again.

A part of me knew she was gone, another part of me wanted to rip open my chest and give her my own heart. If I could've, I would've because I felt it. I had one hand cupping her face, to stop it from falling back. I could feel her pulse, slow but it was there.

Until it wasn't. It stopped. I felt it stop against my fingers and I was afraid to breathe . I moved my fingers lower, just under her jawline, but it wasn't there. no matter how deep I pressed my fingers to her neck, her pulse was gone. I'd felt it. I still feel it sometimes.

I pressed my lips to the side of her temple, fingers trembling. "It was supposed to rain in the desert first" I whispered into her hair. "DAMMIT CELIA, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO RAIN IN THE DESERT!"

In that moment I was angry, I'd felt the life leave her body, I'd felt her pulse stop. I stopped us, letting the realization hit me, letting reality hit me.

Later when the paramedics came and took her away, they recorded to time of death but it was wrong, it was actually twelve minutes earlier. I know because I counted each of the seconds as they fell, creating more space between us.

The next bit is a blur. They tried three times to resuscitate her in the ambulance before they called out the time of death. 22:39. I remember the paramedic asking if he could take a look at my cuts and my leg but all I could do was look at her hand. Oh god Celia. You held my heart in those hands Celia. You held my heart and you tore it apart, right in front of me. Now those hands were in front of me, laying there. Lifeless.

Maybe it'd be easier.