Hurricane (Disaster Series #1)

Kabanata 40

Peace

I sighed as the plane bound to New Zealand took off.

I left once again... but this time, I won't totally run away. I'll only be away for a day or two. Hindi ko naman tatakbuhan ang mga problema at responsibilidad ko. I just need to take a breather and be far away for once.

Siguro no'ng nagbalik ako, hindi pa talaga ako tuluyang handa. Maybe I was just pressured with the sudden responsibility so I just tried to handle it at once without even considering how I felt inside.

So, I'm now giving myself the time. New Zealand is a quiet place where I can freely hear myself and my own dillemas without having to think about the others. There, I could let go of all the battles inside my head and quietly heal.

It's that kind of place, it always wraps me with its feeling of tranquility.

Sa pag-alis ko, pansamantala ko munang kakalimutan ang mga responsibilidad...

But then who am I kidding? This isn't about the responsibility alone. This about my feelings, this is about him.

Umalis ako dahil takot akong hindi ko mapanindigan ang sinabi ko kay Loreen.

Because honestly, I feel so torn. I've suppressed my feelings for four years. And when I came back and was slowly getting sure about it, some things are holding me back.

Loreen's words held me back. Pero hindi dahil nagmakaawa siya sa akin kundi inisip ko ang kapakanan ng bata.

I don't want to be selfish and rob off the child's opportunity of having a father figure.

Growing up without a father in my teen years made me understand Loreen's sentiments for her daughter. It's not easy to watch other children being showered with love and attention by their Dad.

Nakakainggit na nakakalungkot. And I don't want Lucy to experience that. I want to make sure that that same smile she gave me yesterday will always remain.

Kung magiging makasarili ako, paano na lang ang paglaki niya kung wala siyang maituturing na ama? Lucy is a special case and she needs it most for her cognitive development.

Alam ko, na kaya ko namang hayaan ang bata na mayroong koneksyon kay Luci habang unti-unti rin naming inaayos ang relasyon namin. But somehow, I feel like I couldn't take it. I can't watch him with Loreen's child. And that's the truth.

So I have to let go and understand that maybe, it was just a fleeting feeling that's bound to end within those two weeks. No sequel.

Napakaimposibleng isipin sa totoo lang. How come I feel the same way? How come he told me that he does, too?

Four years and it wasn't forgotten?

"You okay, Cara? You've been spacing out since we boarded the plane."

Nagpakawala akong buntong-hininga bago siya nilingon sa tabi ko at ginawaran ng maliit na ngiti. Sa kakaisip ko, muntik ko nang nakalimutan na kasama ko pala si Asmodeus.

"I'm sorry, I'm just tired..."

Malamlam ang mga mata'y nginitian niya ako pabalik bago siya umusog papalapit sa akin.

"You can sleep on my shoulder."

I nodded and leaned in to him. I'm just glad he's here with me even though I don't know the actual reason why. He just said he'll take me there and leave once I'll get to find the peace that I've needed and wanted.

And so he did as he took me to the Southern Alps the next day after we reached New Zealand.

We are now riding a canoe in the cold waters of Queenstown, a mountain town so peaceful that we enjoyed the time that's slowly passing by. Ni hindi na kami nagsagwan pa. We just let the canoe go towards the wind's decided direction.