Better side of me

Dark Days

(Donna is female version of 'Don' which basically means high ranked Italian women)

Chapter 20:

Amara Andrea

I decided to leave and go home to mine and Theo's. The kids were still at the safe house and couldn't be moved till the morning.

As soon as I arrived I went straight up to my room taking out my pack of cigarettes and a bottle of whiskey before walking out to the balcony. I leaned on the rail trying to think of what I could do to get him back. Before I left I told Damian I would be by his house tomorrow to discuss plans since I am now Donna. I turned around when I heard the noise of car engines to see it was my brothers and Gianna. They exited their cars and came into the house. I lit up my cigarette and took a few puffs as well as a few gulps of whiskey before Gianna came running through my door. She threw her arms around me as I still turned away.

"Are you smoking and drinking. Amara stop you can't" She says pulling away. I ignored her and continued to drink.

"I brought you these, just take one before you keep doing that" She begs handing me a box of pregnancy test. I put my cigarette out before taking the box and walking to the bathroom. There couldn't be a worst time to do this shit. I just wanted to get drunk tonight, smoke a few packs of cig's and hopefully pass out. I peed on the fucking stick and left it on the counter before washing my hands and walking back out. I sat down and picked up the bottle but Gia snatches it from my hand and puts it down on the table.

"Gianna, I just lost my parents and my husband got kidnapped on the same day, MY WEDDING DAY. Give me the fucking bottle" I say raising my voice but it was all true. I lost three loved ones at my wedding. They were my closets loved ones.

"I'm doing this for you Amara, I know that if you are pregnant, you will regret this" She says trying to calm me down.

"I DON'T CARE ANYMORE, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE" At this point I am yelling my fucking ass off. Angelo and Toni burst through the door, Angelo walked toward me cautiously before wrapping arms around me. I pulled away and pushed him off.

"I can't believe they're gone. Mom, dad and Theodore, oh my god, Theodore" I say falling to the ground. I cried on the floor as Angelo sat next to me. He didn't dare touch me knowing I would pounce at him. I couldn't help it.

"Amara" Gianna says in a soft voice laced with concern. I lift my head up to see her holding the stick. She goes to speak but I already know what she's gonna say.

"I know" I say before dropping my head.

"Piccola, your pregnant?" Angelo ask. "Oh my god" Tonio says.

"I can't do this" I cry out breaking down.

"can you guys give us a moment" Gia asks before the boys leave the room. She goes to the bathroom and runs the water. After a while she came back out lifting me off the ground to my feet. She wraps an arm around me for support guiding me to the bathroom. I undress and get in the tub which smelt like roses. He sat beside the tub in silence as I just layed back. How do I even begin to describe what I feel like right now. After the love of my life, my husband, my baby's father, my everything is taken, probably being tortured or even killed and my parents. My beautiful innocent mother who never asked for this life and my not so innocent father who loved his children more than anything in the world taken away from me on my wedding day. I guess you could say it feels like I've hit rock bottom. To top it all off, a baby. I'm not ready for another child, clearly I mean I could have harmed it with the smoking and drinking. They're not even born yet and I've already fucked up. I can feel myself slipping away, longing for that bottle of whiskey. I just needed to numb the pain that was coursing through me. My father was right, I just can't seem to stay in control.