Charlie(mind) 3: Oh my Fucking Shit.

Miss Universe

"I've been putting off asking, but where is Elephants Foot?" Charlie asked as the group of five walked to the nearest Miss Universe pageant audition centre. In response, Gru regurgitated her remains, and Charlie's taut grin faltered slightly and he sighed, reaching for his restoration gun. "She was crushed when your bomb factory exploded. Wait, shit! Charlie, we indirectly destroyed your bomb factory!! And your fucking house!!! Bummer." Pyramid Head admitted bluntly. "Oh that's ok, that wasn't my real house and bomb factory. I put you in a perfect duplicate I found in a parallel dimension where I had died, I had a portal to it because it's good to have a spare. You don't think I would put a British creeper in charge of my real bomb factory do you?!" Charlie laughed as he restored Elephants Foot. "That creeper held me hostage for weeks." The enderman chimed in with a hysterical grin. "Sorry, I don't check in with that dimension regularly. To be fair what did you expect, he was British." Charlie replied. "Fair." The enderman said. "I KILLED AN OOMPA LOOMPA THERE!!!" Gonzo screeched manically. Once Elephants Foot had been restored, Charlie knelt down to her level and said, "Ella, listen to me. I don't want you hanging around with me and the people I associate with; chaos and danger seem to follow me wherever I go, and while I wish I could raise you myself, I know it would end badly for you and that you would be in constant peril; I've lost a daughter already and don't want to watch you suffer like she did, so I'm going to send you to live with Uncle Wade in Madagascar. He'll take care of you." Elephants Foot's smile fell, and she looked up at Charlie with big, dark eyes. "I know. I'll miss you two." Charlie whispered, hugging her tightly. Elephants Foot hugged Charlie back, crying into his skinless shoulder, and once she let go of him, she ran teary-eyed to Pyramid Head and jumped into his arms. "Goodbye you little mutant." Pyramid Head mumbled, playing his usual grumpy role but feeling the tinniest twinge of emotion as he patted Elephants Foot on her bulbous, blue head. Charlie pulled out Rick Sanchez's portal gun, scooped up Elephants Foot, and vanished into a portal. The swirling green doorway closed behind him and Elephants Foot, leaving Pyramid Head, Gru, Gonzo and the enderman standing on the road beside Megamind's corpse looking lost. "What just happened?! Who even are you guys?!!" The enderman shouted eventually. "Well," Pyramid Head began. By the time a new portal appeared and Charlie stepped through back onto the road sobbing into a Hawaiian necklace and covered in brightly coloured paint, Pyramid Head had recounted all the events of Charliemind to the enderman; murdering Shrek, visiting Six Flags, the wedding, the divorce, Trisha Paytass; everything. The enderman looked speechless, slumping down onto the floor in a state of shock. "Where've you been?" Pyramid Head asked Charlie. "Saying goodbye," Charlie sighed, drying his eyes and pulling himself together, "It was very difficult, but I know Ella's in good hands with Wade and King Julien."
"That was a very contradicting sentence." Pyramid head replied bluntly. "What's the matter with the enderman?" Charlie asked as he reapplied his mascara. "Oh, I told him all the events of Charliemind." Pyramid Head explained. "Hey, that's a point! We can't call this Charliemind anymore, seeing as Megamind's finally 'out of ze picture'." Charlie mused. "What's Charliemind?" Pyramid head asked bluntly. Pyramid Head was occasionally granted inter-dimensional knowledge, but didn't always retain it. "Hey, is anyone going to mention the fact that Gru's appearance has been gradually deteriorating throughout this entire fiasco?! Like, back when he went on a date with Shrek and all that, he looked pretty normal! Just an eccentric bald guy with a stripy scarf and black leggings, but now he's..... oh god, he's...." Pyramid Head pointed out, trying to look directly at Gru and finding his eyes unwilling. "My physical facade is falling away. Zis is not my real form." Gru grinned back. "You mean there was a point in time where that looked normal?!" The enderman asked in shock. "Almost normal." Pyramid Head replied. "But seriously y'all, what's happening to him?!! He's... he's-" The enderman stammered, "-Evolving." Gru cut in with a smirk. "Right, come on gang! Not far to the Miss Universe audition centre now!" Charlie grinned, marching in the direction of the pageant tryout establishment (founded by RuPaul). "Do we really not have a faster mode of fucking transport?! We're just gonna walk there on fucking foot?!!" Pyramid head snapped angrily, punching Gonzo in the face, who stumbled back and laughed giddily. "Say no more." Gru leered. "OH MY GOD NOT AGAIN-" Pyramid Head yelled, but it was too late; Gru had already regurgitated another entire car in seconds. It bore an eerie resemblance to Mr. Krabs. The enderman screamed in shock and leapt back, being unused to Gru. "Krab car, nice." Charlie grinned, jumping in. "Come on, pussy." Pyramid head muttered, grabbing the enderman and dragging him into the car after him. Gru leapt into the drivers seat and rubbed his gnarled, twisted, skeletal hands together with a malicious grin. "I'm gonna ride on the roof guys!! It's part of a new stunt I'm working on!!" Gonzo shouted, pulling out a roll of Gorilla duct tape. "I don't think even Gorilla tape will hold you on this car when Gru's behind the wheel." Pyramid head replied bluntly, fastening his seatbelt. "Bet!" Gonzo grinned back, jumping onto the roof of the Krab car. "Your funeral." Pyramid head muttered as Gonzo taped himself in place. The enderman frowned and said, "Is it wise to let him drive?"
"Course not, what do you think this is, a fucking fairy tale?! This is the real world!!" Pyramid Head yelled back, and the enderman blinked and fastened his seatbelt. "Alright Gru, let's go!! Miss Universe won't know what snatched her wig!!!" Charlie yelled with a grin, and Gru's goat eyes bulged and skin pulsed with fat worms as he screeched, "GRUDUDU'S HRUDUDU IS ON ZE MOVE!!!!" With that, Gru slammed his horrific bird-of-prey-like foot on the accelerator and the Krab car hurtled forwards faster than a vindaloo curry through a pensioner. Everyone screamed, some in delight and some in terror, as Gru went flying over fields and hills, smashing through anything unfortunate enough to be in his way including but not exclusively; fences, houses, animals and people. Gonzo's screams from the roof were loud enough to be heard from inside the Krab car as it careened through a town, decimating half its population on the way. Gru covered 300 miles of ground in one minute, landing the group of five not-so-safely in the carpark of the Miss Universe audition centre. The car hit a curb, catapulted into the air, span three times and finally crashed down perfectly into a free parking space. "LIKE A GLOVE!!!!" Gru screeched. Charlie jumped out the Krab car and yelled, "WOOO!!!! YEAH!!!" He was clearly pumped up from his near-death-experience in Grududu's hrududu. The same could not be said for the enderman, who stumbled out the car, threw up ender pearls and then collapsed. Pyramid Head managed to tear his hands from the seat in front of him, which he had been gripping so tightly his fingers had gone completely through the seat, and crawled out the Krab car. Once completely out of the deathtrap, he collapsed into a slumped sitting position, which is when he spotted it; what was left of Gonzo on the roof. The windswept, battered, mangled wreck that used to be Gonzo had somehow managed to stay taped to the roof, but Gonzo's remains had multiple fences, dead animals and fragments of rubble lodged in it. Finally, Gru levitated through the roof of the Krab car and re-devoured it, spitting out Gonzo's remains once he was done. Charlie pointed at Gonzo, giggled hysterically, and pulled out his restoration gun. "H-how can he do that?" The enderman stammered dizzily, finally regaining consciousness. "Yeah Gru, tell us!!" Gonzo grinned once he was restored. Gru turned to face them both, a sickening, smug grin on his slimy face, and a nauseating, inky black liquid began to leak from his ears. "Now I can't hear you." He leered. "This is awful. It's nightmarish. I literally feel like I'm in a nightmare." The enderman stated flatly. "Don't let Gru into your head; he'll squirm around in the folds of your brain, get comfortable, dig in deep, and then he'll latch on like a parasite. I've seen it happen before, and he never, never, lets go." Charlie replied darkly. The enderman's eyes were wide as he glanced over fearfully at Gru's loathsome, corrupting, nightmarish face and watched in horror as his vision tunnelled and Gru's face got more grotesque with every passing second. Finally he managed to rip his eyes away, stumbling back and gasping before shakily whispering, "⍜⊑ ⋔⊬ ☌⍜⍜⎅⋏⟒⌇⌇ ⟟'⋔ ⏃⌇ ☊⍀⏃⋉⊬ ⏃⌇ ⋔⊬ ⋔⍜⏁⊑⟒⍀..."
"Your mother must've been off the deep end." Charlie grinned. "What." Pyramid head asked bluntly. "It's an enderman joke." Charlie replied. "We're entering that in a beauty contest?!" The enderman asked once he'd collected the pieces of his mind Gru had caused to fragment. "We sure are!" Charlie grinned, bounding over to the entrance to the audition centre and opening the door. "Gru, your fame awaits." Charlie called with a smile, and Gru sprouted fleshy, translucent wings, leapt into the air, soared over and landed gracefully. "I VILL BE ZE PRETTIEST GIRL AT ZE MISS UNIVERSE CONTEST!!!" He screeched. "Yes Gru, you sure will." Pyramid head muttered sarcastically as he walked over. Gru turned to face him, the sky darkening and all the cars in the carpark's alarms going off as he grinned and said in a voice that sounded like a damned choir singing antiphons in their despair, "Don't patronise me, triangle man." Then, with that, he jiggled happily into the Miss Universe audition centre, pulsing with fat worms all the way. Charlie followed after him, stepping into the entrance hall that smelled like perfume and wine and squealed excitedly as he said, "Come on, let's all get dressed in drag!"
"If you expect me to dress in drag, you are sorely fucking mistaken." Pyramid Head said flatly. "Come on triangle, I'll style your outfit!" Charlie grinned. "I'll help!" The enderman chimed in. "I forgot to ask, since you're not called Nox, what's your real name?" Charlie asked. "I don't have a name. Enderman culture is being nameless because our elders thought it was cool and mysterious or some shit." The enderman explained. "I'll probably end up calling you 'Endie' or something equally cringe." Charlie replied. "Look for the eye." The enderman said flatly. "What?" Pyramid head asked just as flatly. "Sorry, that wasn't supposed to come out in English." The enderman replied. "This conversation is getting too derailed, even for Charliemind, let's get back on topic; Pyramid head, what colour dress would you like?" Charlie grinned. "For the millionth fucking time, I am an inter-dimensional executioner, not a fucking drag queen!!" Pyramid head shouted. "Gonzo is the only one with a valid excuse to not dress in drag because of dysphoria. You're just a big, weepy, wimpy, spineless pussy." Charlie replied, his eyes darkening and smile widening. Pyramid Head was silent for a moment, before finally saying, "Red. A red dress."
"That's the spirit!" Charlie grinned, grabbing Pyramid head by the hand and bounding over to the help desk. "KILL!!!!" Gonzo yelled suddenly. "Hello, my.... friend, Gru, would like to audition." Charlie smiled to the woman at the desk. She looked like she could've been on Miss World at one point in her life, but now she looked like she had sunk into a pit of alcoholism and self loathing, bags under her eyes indicating weeks of lost sleep and pasty, sickly skin. Her arms were buried in nicotine patches and she regarded Charlie and the others with squinted, bloodshot eyes. "Hello?" Charlie asked with a concerned grin. "Huh.... Oh, yeah, we were expecting someone to audition in room 666 but she didn't show up, you can take her place if you hurry." The receptionist mumbled, pointing up a flight of plush carpeted stairs. "Fire, thanks!" Charlie sang. "I wish I could get fired." The receptionist muttered. "It gets better!" Gonzo grinned. "It doesn't get better, it get's worse." The receptionist hissed back, pulling out her 35th nicotine patch and slapping it onto her forehead. Before Charlie could even turn to walk towards the stairs, Gru had barrelled up them like a grotesque, fleshy bullet and stood at the top yelling down, "HURRY, MY WORMS ARE ESCAPING!!!"
"What does he mean?!" The enderman cried. "What did I say about not letting him into you head?" Charlie hissed. "Hey, I think this is the room!!" Gonzo screeched, yanking open a door. "Gonzo that is room 42, how did you get the number 42 confused with 6-" Charlie stopped speaking when he saw what was inside room 42. An emaciated, spindly creature with hollow black eyes crouched over a person, a tube extending from it's mouth and slowly absorbing the person's face. "Turn around, bright eyes." It said without moving it's mouth. Charlie pulled Gonzo away, slammed the door shut and said, "What happens in Miss Universe stays in Miss Universe, come on, to room 666!"