Charlie(mind) 3: Oh my Fucking Shit.

Davy Jones' Locker

"D-does anyone else see Davy fucking Jones from pirates of the Caribbean?!! Is it just me?!!!" Pyramid Head yelled, his confusion immediately becoming anger. "THAT'S THE OCTOPUS THAT ATTACKED ME EARLIER!!!" Gonzo shrieked, scrambling over to hide behind Gru's titanic form. "Ah've only just got here," Davy Jones protested, "Are ya all fooking insane?!" Charlie laughed manically as if Davy Jones had told the funniest joke in the world, Gru and Gonzo both grinned psychotically, Pyramid Head said nothing, David was too busy dissecting a roach he'd found to be involved and the enderman went glassy eyed and whispered, "Shulkers rip my flesh."
"Ok." Davy Jones said flatly, slumping down next to the campfire. "So, where were you before this?" Charlie asked once he'd stopped laughing. "The lower intestine, but ah managed to climb me way back up here when I realised ah'd left me music box." Davy Jones replied. "Ex-fucking-cuse me?!" The enderman yelled. "Alright, I get it, I have a music box. Haha. Look at Davy Jones, he's a wee sissy lass with his little mu-" Davy Jones began to rant, before being interrupted by the enderman, who shouted, "NO, NO, THE OTHER THING!!!"
"THE FUCKING INTESTINE PART," Pyramid Head chimed in, "WE ALL WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE FUCKING INTESTINE PART YOU TENTACLED FREAK!!!!"
"Thank you cone man!" The enderman shouted, before stopping when he felt his heart beat to the rhythm of YMCA and stating, "Guys I think I have a heart condition."
"I meant what ah fookin' said, I was in the lower intestine and-" Davy Jones began, "-Lower intestine of fucking what?!" The enderman shrieked with mild hysteria. "Of the fookin' creature we're in!! What are ye, demented?!" Davy Jones snapped. "What." The enderman said flatly. "What." Pyramid Head said flatly. "What." Charlie said flatly, who's high ass had only zoned into the conversation for the last few exchanges. "INTESTINE!!!" Gonzo shrieked with a manic laugh. "Intestine." Gru echoed with a malicious smirk. David didn't even look up from his roach. "This entire shopping mall is alive. It's a living creature disguised as a building, that's how it feeds. We're in it's stomach currently," Davy Jones explained, "I call the beast, 'Davy Jones' locker', because I've been trapped in here for weeks." Pyramid Head picked up his massive sword and plunged it into the floor, and they all heard a roar from somewhere above as blood seeped up through the floorboards. "Oh my god. Oh my god." Charlie grinned hysterically. The enderman wordlessly grabbed a nearby bottle of water, flicked the cap off and chugged it down in three seconds flat. He then proceeded to double over clutching his midriff, howling in agony as his insides liquified, vomited up purple blood, keeled over and finally died. "Wow." Pyramid Head said flatly. The enderman's chest tore open, revealing a terrifying greenish-blue eye staring up at them all, and Pyramid Head leapt backwards in shock and yelled, "WHAT THE EVER-LOVING, UNGODLY, SATANIC, DEMONIC, ANCIENT, FOURSOME FUCK?!!"
"It's an ender pearl." Charlie whispered, his eyes wide as he stared into the eye. "It's fucking horrific." Pyramid head stated bluntly. "When an enderman dies, their third eye opens so they can navigate their way through the higher dimensions. That third eye, also called an ender pearl, can be used to create inter-dimensional portals and also can be used to teleport." Charlie explained. "I WANT THE FUNNY EYEBALL!!!!" Gonzo yelled. "The enderman needs it more than you do if he's going to be restored." Charlie replied, pulling out his restoration gun and firing a glowing beam at the enderman's corpse. The cavity in his chest containing the ender pearl resealed and the enderman sat up and looked around in a disorientated manner whispering, "We're in a creature. We're going to die here."
"This is some monster house type shit, Charlie, can we get out of here? This is fucking awful." Pyramid Head stated flatly. "There's no way out. Like ah said, I've been stuck in this beast for weeks now." Davy Jones said gravely. "Outside there's gorillas everywhere. Inside we're gonna get digested. Outside gorilla. Inside digested." The enderman mumbled, curling up on the floor. "No one: Me when my gorilla is outside and my inside is digested." Charlie grinned. "Maybe you've been stuck in here for weeks Davy Jones because you're a fucking IDIOT!!!" Pyramid Head snapped, barging past Davy Jones. "Oop." Charlie grinned. "Stop using tiktok slang Charlie!!" Pyramid Head shouted, pacing around the stomach storage room. "I-" Charlie said, his grin widening. "Outiside digest. Inside house is..... gorilla..." The enderman whispered vacantly, still lying on the floor. "Get up you atomic teleporting whore!!!" Pyramid Head yelled at him, and he leapt up and raised his arms yelling, "I SURRENDER!!!"
"Listen, we're gonna get out of this. We all just need to calm down and try to stop being high on LSD." Charlie grinned. Pyramid Head approached a wall when he saw what he thought looked like cracks through which to look, but, upon touching the wall, he recoiled in horror. It was fleshy and moist, and those weren't cracks at all; they were veins. "Oh, yep, the walls are made of flesh." He stated flatly. "Oh my god, oh my GOD, we've got to get out of here!!" The enderman hyperventilated, stumbling over to lean on a box as he tried to fight of an imminent panic attack. "Everything's fine!" Charlie smiled, and the enderman looked over to see him smoking a blunt. "STOP SMOKING WEED!!!" The enderman screamed. "Yeah Charlie, you shouldn't mix drugs, I've done that before and it was a bad idea." Pyramid Head chimed in calmly. "The walls are closing in!!! How long have we been down here?!!" The enderman wheezed, stumbling over to hang off Gonzo, his eyes wide and frenzied. "Like, under an hour." Charlie grinned. "Pull yourself together, are you a man or a fucking mouse?!" Pyramid head yelled. "Endermen don't have a concept of gender!!" The enderman sobbed, collapsing to the floor again. "The fookin' state of you lot." Davy Jones laughed octopusly with clear amusement. "Shut up Davy Jones no one fucking likes you, especially your Jamaican ex girlfriend." Pyramid Head said bluntly but with so much malice that Davy Jones instantly took 20 hits of psychic damage and stumbled backwards into a stack of crates, knocking them all down with a crash and tumbling into one with a yell. "I think it's logical to point out the fact that the walls are genuinely closing in, probably a part of the digestion process." David chimed in, and everyone looked around to see the fleshy storage room walls closing in on them. "Are you suspiciously formed? Are you dubiously designed?" Gonzo grinned to Pyramid Head. "You'll be suspiciously formed in a minute when I turn you inside-out." Pyramid Head replied bluntly. "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!!" The enderman screamed. "Acid reflux." Gru smirked. "GRU WOULD YOU SHUT THE F- wait..... wait...." Pyramid Head said slowly. "That's a great idea Gru!" Charlie grinned. "YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS!!! YOU FUCKING KNEW WE WERE IN A THING- THAT'S WHY YOU KEPT SAY- oh my god," Pyramid Head processed out loud, his shock turning to anger and then to just shock again, "Why aren't I used to this?! It's fucking GRU, why am I surprised?!!"
"Marked by a sin we've learned to name, if zis is hell, I will gladly know it's flame." Gru grinned back. "Ok, all we need to do is trigger an acid reflux and then this creature should projectile vomit us out." Charlie explained causally. "That sounds nightmarish." The enderman replied bluntly. "Vould you rather go out ze other end?" Gru sneered. "Gru has a point. How do we cause an acid felux or whatever." Pyramid Head asked. "Endie, could you teleport up and use the uvula as a punching bag? You know, that lil' dangly thing in the back of your throat." Charlie grinned. "What part of the shopping mall will I find the uvula?" The enderman grinned back hysterically. "It'll be around the entrance, if you remember that the entrance is really a mouth." Charlie replied. The enderman tried not to dislocate his jaw, as he usually did when he was in mental distress, and teleported away in a cloud of purple particles. "Right, let's all get in a makeshift boat so we can ride the tidal wave of gastric acid that's about to flood the stomach." Charlie grinned, looking around for something to use as a boat. Gru regurgitated a large dinghy and said, "Mars bows to the conflict within me." Davy Jones screamed in complete horror, but no one else even questioned Gru, stepping into the inflatable boat one by one. "Are you absurdly assembled? Are you curiously compiled? Are you bizarrely built? Are you deceptively depicted?" Gonzo grinned as he sat beside Pyramid Head. "MAYBE I AM!!! SO FUCKING WHAT?!! WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?!!!" Pyramid Head bellowed back. Suddenly, a loud retch echoed down the oesophagus elevator shaft, and the enderman reappeared in the boat beside Davy Jones in a cloud of purple particles and yelled, "HOLD ON TO SOMETHING, SHE'S GONNA BLOW!!!" Everyone grabbed onto the sides of the dinghy, their seats and each other as a loud rumbling noise filled the living shopping mall. Then, black acid flooded the storage room and sent the dinghy and everyone in it hurtling up the dark oesophagus elevator shaft on a wave of the black acid. Some were sprayed with it, screaming in pain as it melted patches of their flesh. "DON'T WORRY, PAIN IS TEMPORARY, WATER RIDES ARE FOREVER!!" Charlie yelled, throwing his hands up with a grin. "Ah, the wind in me tentecklees!!" Davy Jones shouted, leaning forwards as his tentacles flew back behind him in a strong, cold breeze that was circulating the inside of the living mall. "LOOK, THERE'S THE WAY OUT!!" Charlie yelled once they went shooting out of the oesophagus elevator shaft, skimming across the waves of black acid as it built up into a tidal wave, hurtling towards the mall's double-doored-mouth and carrying the dinghy with it at a frightening speed. "HOLD ME!!!" The enderman screamed, grabbing onto Pyramid Head, who yelled, "HOLD YOURSELF YOU PURPLE-EYED DIPSHIT!!!" Everyone screamed in fear and relief as they shot out the mouth of the mall creature, which now raised itself up on it's gigantic spidery, skeletal legs and continued to cough and retch up black acid, before whimpering and running away in the opposite direction towards it's lair in the mountains. Everyone continued to scream as the dinghy continued it's deranged journey on the tidal wave of black acid before, finally, the tidal wave crashed down, bringing the dinghy straight down onto the roof of a nearby cop car, which was smashed to pieces by the impact. Everyone sat up slowly with groans of pain, and Charlie looked down at the cop car and said, "That doesn't look good."
"THE ACID MELTED MY NOSE!!" Gonzo grinned, pointing to the melted stump that had previously been his nose. "It melted my arm!!" The enderman sobbed, clutching his wounded arm. "It melted my right asscheek." Gru leered, and everyone instinctively shielded their eyes in case Gru decided to display his twisted and now acid-damaged rump. "YOU LOT!!! YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST!!!!" A voice boomed, and everyone to span round to see another cop car parked nearby, one of the officers jumping out and yelling, "I SAID YOUR UNDER ARREST!!! FOR THE IMPROPER USE OF A DINGHY, DESTRUCTION OF POLICE PROPERTY AND PROBABLY MANSLAUGHTER!!!! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!!!!"
"Oh god, I'm an aquarius, I'll never survive in jail!!" The enderman cried. "STAR SIGNS DON'T MEAN SHIT YOU LOPSIDED, PIXELATED, PURPLE-EYED PLONKER!!!!" Pyramid Head yelled. The policeman leapt at the nearest to him, who was Gonzo, but Gonzo was more than used to avoiding police and dodged out the way. "SCATTER!!!!" Charlie yelled, breaking into a sprint, and everyone else also broke into sprints and began to tear after him. The police officer jumped back into his car and yelled, "STEP ON IT," to his partner who was in the driver's seat. The car went careening after the group of fleeing charliemind characters. One of the cops wound down his window and began to fire his revolver at the group. He shot Davy Jones through the head and Davy Jones, being undead, turned furiously and leapt onto the hood of the cop car, his tentacles flying around as he snarled rabidly in at the cops. The cop who was hanging out the window continued to fire his gun at the tentacled psychopath, who got his crab claw hand shot off and yelped in pain, grabbing the cop and dragging him out the car with his other hand. Davy Jones proceeded to maul that cop, the other officer screaming as he watched his partner get torn apart on the hood of the car and trying desperately to see past Davy Jones. Once Davy Jones had well and truly decimated the first cop, he threw his mangled body off the car and snarled in at the remaining officer. At that moment, the car went violently over a speed bump, and Davy Jones finally lost his grip, went flying back, flipped helplessly in the air and finally crashed straight through the window of a nearby apartment block. Screams were heard from inside, and Charlie turned to the others and shouted, "Do not stop fucking running for anything!!"
"Roger that!!" Pyramid Head yelled back, before suddenly pointing up ahead and shouting, "HEY, I SEE THE KRAB CAR!!!"
"TO THE KRAB CAR!!!" Charlie hollered, galloping over to the hideous vehicle. The enderman teleported into the back of the krab car and slumped down into the leather seat, gasping for air as everyone else clambered into the car. Gru leapt into the drivers seat, rubbed his gnarled hands together and, once everyone had managed to get into the krab car and before anyone had time to protest, he slammed his twisted, eagle foot down onto the accelerator and the krab car careened down the road faster than the road runner after injecting raw caffeine into his veins and chugging 32 red bulls and 56 monsters, the cop car still pursuing them. The cop car had apparently called for backup, because round the corner three more cop cars turned onto the road the krab car was speeding down and also began to pursue the charliemind gang. "What happened to it being the apocalypse?!! I thought the pigs were a thing of the past!!" Pyramid Head shouted. "It seems the chaos universe can recover from the apocalypse a lot quicker than a regular universe because of it's unpredictability!" Charlie explained, looking out the window at the cop cars that were chasing them and yelping when one officer fired a gun at him. "FASTER GRU, THEY'RE GAINING ON US!!!" Charlie yelled as he pulled his head back into the krab car. Gru grinned heinously, leaning forwards and gripping the wheel tighter as he accelerated the car to go at an even more ludicrous speed. The enderman wordlessly teleported from the car and Pyramid head yelled, "FUCKING DESERTER!!!" However the enderman reappeared seconds later holding a shotgun, cocked it, looked out his window, and began firing at the cop cars. "Are you the same enderman?!" Pyramid Head yelled in shock as the enderman continued to shoot at the cop car. "This doesn't surprise me." Charlie grinned. "You're rather presumptuous, aren't you, pyramid? Presumptuous and easily angered, you would make an interesting specimen for experimentation." David said matter-of-factly. "David, your opinion literally means nothing to me, you're vapid, uncreative and fucking deranged, get a fucking grip." Pyramid Head replied bluntly. The enderman was still firing his shotgun, and had managed to take out two of the four cop cars. He unloaded one of the bullets and used his teleportation abilities to teleport it into the frontal lobe of the third cop car driver, who slumped forwards onto the steering wheel as the car veered off the road. Suddenly, disaster struck; Gru slammed the breaks on, and everyone turned to see what was happening. A massive queue of traffic stretched on all lanes of the road across a long bridge, and Pyramid Head groaned and yelled, "GRU, LEVITATE ALL THE CARS OUT THE WAY, WE KNOW YOU FUCKING CAN!!!!"
"Vat is a 'car'?" Gru leered. "CAN'T YOU TELEPORT US AHEAD OF THE TRAFFIC?!!" Pyramid Head asked the enderman. "No, it's out of my teleportation range, but I do have another idea!" The enderman shouted over his shoulder. He then leaned further out the window and yelled, "MAKE FUCKING WAY," as he fired the shotgun at the cars in front. The first bullet hit the back tire of a massive truck, which went veering off to the side, smashing the car in the other lane to pieces before both the truck and the car plummeted off the bridge into a river below. The enderman continued to fire at the other vehicles in front, cars, busses and trucks alike all went careening off in all directions, most crashing into the paths at the side of the bridge and some plummeting off the bridge. Gru floored the accelerator with an ear-piercing, gleeful cackle and the car shot forwards through the path that had been created by all the cars veering off the road. The last remaining cop car's sirens blared as it pursued the krab car. There was more traffic ahead, but Pyramid Head shouted, "Gimme that gun," took the shotgun from the enderman, and took out all vehicles on the road in front of them with even more vicious precision than the hysteria-warped enderman. Gru continued to speed through the pathway the veering, crashing, burning vehicles were creating as Pyramid Head took out windows, tires and drivers. Finally, they made it off the bridge, and Pyramid Head, who was out of bullets, hurled the entire shotgun at the cop car. It smashed through the windscreen and knocked the driver out cold, and the cop car swerved off the road and crashed into a tree, bursting into flame. Everyone sighed with relief as they drove off into a pine forest, slumping down in their seats before Pyramid Head finally announced, "I can't fucking do this anymore. The nonstop chaos, the living mall.... we were in a giant fucking living creature disguised as a shopping mall. We were nearly digested alive, and we rode a wave of gastric acid out it's mouth. I can't fucking do this anymore."
"I've only known you guys about two days and I can't do this anymore either." The enderman wheezed, sitting up shakily. "You know what we need," Charlie said with a grin, "We need a vacation."