Charlie(mind) 3: Oh my Fucking Shit.

Will Smith

The enderman teleported into the makeshift campsite sobbing hysterically and collapsed beside the campfire. "Shit my flesh pantaloons." Gru sneered, and the nearest Australian to him disintegrated into sand. "Endie, what's wrong?" Charlie asked gently, patting the hysterical enderman. "It's Pyramid Head!! He was so mean to me!!!" The enderman cried. "He's always mean to you." Charlie pointed out. "It was different this time," The enderman sobbed, "He said I was pathetic and that I should kill myself, and that everyone thinks I'm a freak..."
"Woah. That doesn't sound like Pyramid Head," Charlie frowned, "He may be malicious sometimes but he's not outright evil."
"Does anyone have any amphetamines?!! Please?!!!" Gonzo begged, bleeding from his elongated nose. "Telling someone to kill themselves is not it." David Bowie chimed in, flamboyantly flipping out a neon pink fan with the words 'the earth is a bitch' on it and fanning himself theatrically. "I think that was a dick move, and I'm fucking Nosferatu!" Nosferatu shouted, before continuing to say, "Talking of dick moves, some asshole kicked the shit out of my chair on the plane and caused me to have a brain aneurism." Francoeur's eyes darted around nervously and he shuffled slowly away from Nosferatu. The enderman continued to weep hysterically, despite the others attempts at making him feel better, and Charlie put a comforting arm around him and said, "We'll get this whole thing straightened out when Pyramid Cranium gets back, for now, have a toasted marshmallow." The enderman dried his eyes and watched as Charlie handed him a stick with a nicely browned marshmallow on the end, taking it gratefully. The minion, that was miraculously and simultaneously cruelly still alive, crawled over with grunts of agony and peered at the enderman. "What're you looking at?" Charlie snapped, protective of his sensitive eye-contact-shy.... friend? Charlie decided yes, the enderman was his friend. "Banana." The minion wheezed. "Yes, of course he's upset!" Charlie snapped again. "Banana banana?" The minion asked. "Yes, it's over a guy." The enderman joined in sadly, eating his marshmallow. "Banana banana banana." The minion wheezed understandingly. "He's actually got a point." Charlie said. "Maybe he does." The enderman sighed, closing his eyes. "Banana banana, banana banana banana." The minion continued gently before dragging itself away with more grunts of agony. The enderman sighed again; that minion had read him like a book. Suddenly, Pyramid Head stumbled out of the trees drunkenly with an empty bottle of vodka. "So that's it. You were drunk!" The enderman shouted angrily, turning away from him. "Huh?" Pyramid Head slurred, dropping the bottle. "You were a total dick to me because you were drunk. Thanks triangle, you're a fucking peach." The enderman snapped sarcastically, still facing away from Pyramid head. "I have to say Toblerone Tits, you're one of my closest friends but the things you said to Endy weren't cool. He arrived here sobbing and said you were mean to him." Charlie chimed in. "I haven't fucking seen him all night!!" Pyramid Head protested, sobering up slightly. "Don't lie, I literally just saw you sitting on a log and you were a complete asshole to me!!" The enderman shouted. "I'm always an asshole to you." Pyramid Head pointed out. "This was different, you told me to kill myself and that everyone thought I was a freak." The enderman replied, his voice trembling. "I never fucking said that!!" Pyramid head yelled. "Yes you d-"
"Hey guys," Charlie interrupted, "Has there always been two Gonzos?"
"Fucking what?" Pyramid Head replied flatly, turning to see that there, crouched by the fire, were two Gonzos. "Hey, another me!" Gonzo yelled gleefully, and the other Gonzo looked around nervously and said, "I- uh.... I'm not Gonzo, I'm just a relative of his."
"I have no relatives, I was grown in a lab!" Gonzo grinned back, and everyone looked suspiciously at 'Gonzo's relative.' "Ok, ok, fine. You got me, asshats." 'Gonzo's relative' said, and his facade fell away to reveal none other than Will Smith. "Will fucking Smith?! Since when were you a shapeshifter?!!" Pyramid Head yelled. "I was cursed by an Egyptian mummy when I called it gay, I have the ability to shape shift but I can only use it for cruelty, otherwise I'll die." Will Smith explained. "Ok!" Charlie grinned manically, before grabbing one of Pyramid Head's many vodka bottles, which had all survived the plane crash as Pyramid Head had stored them in the bloated corpse of a flight attendant he'd killed, which had given the bottles padding when the plane had crashed. Charlie then proceeded to pour the entire bottle over his head and then shove his head into the campfire, which roared up into a towering pillar of flame that completely engulfed Charlie's cranium. "Wait, were you the one I was talking to when I thought I was talking to Pyramid face?" The enderman asked Will Smith. "Yes, that was me, and you fell for it too like a fucking ninny!!" Will Smith laughed back. "So are you being an asshole because of this curse or are you just a jerk?" The enderman asked. "I'm just a jerk." Will Smith replied bluntly. The enderman nodded calmly, and then dislocated his jaw and ripped one of Will Smith's arms off, devouring it whole, and Will Smith collapsed backwards screaming in pain and clutching the stump connected to his shoulder that had been his arm moments before. Francoeur, Nosferatu and Bela Lugosi all swarmed him, lapping his blood off the floor and drinking it as it sprayed all over the clearing. Pyramid Head raised his giant knife, said, "No one impersonates Pyramid Head," and swung the knife with the skilled precision that could only be achieved after a lot of practice, cleanly slicing Will Smith's head off in one stroke. It flew through the air towards the enderman, who kicked it back to Pyramid Head like a professional footballer and yelled, "Go long!!" Pyramid head ran after Will Smith's airborne decapitated head and caught it, slamming it to the ground and yelling, "Touchdown!!" The enderman felt his heart beat to the rhythm of Revenge (the classic minecraft song by CaptainSparklez on YouTube.) "So.... are we gonna talk about that weird ass fucking noise we heard?" Pyramid Head said suddenly. "Maybe it was Will Smith?" The enderman suggested. "Yeah, because Will Smith makes inhuman shrieking noises." Pyramid Head replied sarcastically. "He was a fucking shapeshifter, I wouldn't be surprised!" The enderman pointed out. "Couple arguments are so cute." Charlie grinned, and the enderman turned away looking flustered while Pyramid Head immediately yelled, "WE ARE NOT A FUCKING CO- that's it," and grabbed Gonzo, performing a flawless brainbuster wrestling finish on him. The move was performed with so much force that Gonzo's neck snapped on impact with the ground, killing him instantly. The enderman felt his heart beat to the rhythm of the minecraft villager rap. Charlie sighed and pulled out his restoration gun. "Oshiterate my organic tissue knickers." Gru snarled, and all the remaining Australians exploded in torrents of blood and viscera. "I like how all the Australians survived the plane crash unharmed, but are now all dead after being around us for a few hours." Charlie mused with a grin. The maimed minion looked up at it's old master Gru, who looked back with a twisted, almost smug grin. Then Gru's grin soured and he held out a spindly, crooked, malformed hand and curled his twisted fingers into a claw. The minion was immediately incinerated in a blistering ball of fire, completely cremated in seconds before the ball of flame vanished again, the only trace of the minion being a smouldering black stain on the ground. Gru sharted on said ashy stain, saying again, "Unvorthy." Francoeur covered his face with all four of his hands and sobbed. "Poo." Gru gurned heinously. Suddenly, Robbie Rotten from Lazy Town stumbled out of the jungle into the clearing, wearing nothing but a boar skin loin cloth and coconut bra, falling to his hands and knees and yelling, "Finally, people!!! Me and Joe Biden were marooned here months ago by the Onceler, Joe went out hours ago to find food and never returned!! I thought I'd never see another person again!!"
"How the fuck do you look at us and think 'people/persons'. Are you fucking deranged?" Pyramid head asked bluntly. "It's Robbie fucking Rotten, is that even a question?! He's more unstable than two fat women fighting on a tightrope." Charlie chimed in. "Do you have any food?! I've had one meal in the past week." Robbie Rotten wheezed, clutching his emaciated stomach. "Do ve look like a charity to you?" Gru sneered. "Yeah, go and burden someone else, we don't want your sorry ass, Sportacus slut." Pyramid head chimed in. "Do you have no humanity?! I'm fucking starving to death, you ungodly whores!!" Robbie Rotten yelled. "Your rage and suffering channel directly to my amusement." Gru leered. "Piss off, Robbie thotten." Pyramid head muttered. Robbie Rotten blinked. Then, with a sudden roar of rage, he attacked Pyramid head, who happened to be closer to him than Gru. If he had dared to attempt attacking Gru, it would have been a completely different story. As Robbie Rotten attempted to bite him, Pyramid Head, being a lot stronger than the emaciated twink villain, grabbed Robbie Rotten by the back of the head and slammed him face-first into the ground. Robbie Rotten got dizzily back to his feet, bleeding from his mouth and nose and missing teeth, and rushed Pyramid head again. Pyramid Head watched with boredom as Robbie Rotten pummelled his abdomen with punches to little effect, Pyramid Head not flinching once as Robbie Rotten continued to batter his abdomen before stumbling back, clutching his broken knuckles and screaming. Pyramid Head laughed maliciously. Though Pyramid Head could easily fight his own battles, the enderman was furious from watching Robbie repeatedly punch Pyramid Head, and teleported over, dislocating his jaw with a crackling screech as he grabbed Robbie Rotten by his broken fingers, span him round and round and launched him into a tree. Robbie slammed into the tree with a sickening crack, falling limply to the floor and wheezing. Pyramid Head felt his heart beat to the rhythm of Hammer Smashed Face by Cannibal Corpse, then caught himself, feeling a wave of nausea. To combat this nausea, Pyramid head walked over, grabbed Robbie Rotten by his arms and performed a perfect pedigree wrestling move on him, slamming him into the floor onto his face while preventing him from shielding himself from the impact with his hands or arms by keeping them restrained in a white-knuckle grip. "Is there no end to this unyielding pain?" Robbie Rotten croaked from the floor, his words slurred because of how mashed his face was. Gru skipped over, pissed all over him in response, and skipped back to plop down beside the fire with a vacant, mildly amused grin. "I'm naturally massively tall, I should be practicing baskettyball, but I can't find a ball without corners at all, so I'm passing my time by unstacking your wall." The enderman said vacantly as he ripped part of the branch shack off. "He's lost the fucking plot." Pyramid head whispered to Charlie. Then, Gru lurched forwards, grabbed a log from the fire with his bare hand and hurled it at Robbie Rotten. Due to the fact that Gru pisses gasoline, Robbie Rotten instantly burst into a roaring pillar flame. Suddenly, the same eerie howl the charliemind gang had heard on the beach echoed through the jungle, nearer this time than it had previously been. The enderman shivered and clutched his branch. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!! FOR FUCKING REAL?!!!" Pyramid head yelled angrily. "Shhh!!" Bela Lugosi hissed, and Pyramid Head punched him in the face without hesitation and said, "I'm going to go and find the source of that fucking noise." Suddenly, bright lights flooded the clearing and a sharp, booming voice shouted, "Don't move, we have you surrounded!!!" Pyramid Head didn't have an opportunity to figure out what manner of creature the strange howl belonged to, because before he could leave the clearing, police surrounded the group on all sides. Nosferatu turned into a swarm of rats and Bela Lugosi turned into a bat, and they both fled and vanished into the night. "I SAID NO ONE MOVE!!!" The officer yelled into his megaphone, firing his gun upwards as a warning. The bullet actually hit bat-form Bela Lugosi, who plummeted back down through the trees and crashed to the forest floor, changing back into his usual form with a groan of pain. "Triangle man, Gonzo, Charlie, Gru and random enderman, I am placing you all under arrest for the murder of multiple police officers, civilians, destruction of police property, reckless driving, endangering lives, assault, improper use of a firearm-"
"Alright, alright, we fucking get it!!" Pyramid Head snapped. "You forgot the part where we caused many cars to drive off a bridge!!" Gonzo grinned derangedly. "Monsieur Francoeur, you are also under arrest for murder in the form of draining all the blood from civilians, David Bowie, you're under arrest for using and dealing illegal drugs, and Bela Lugosi, you've almost certainly done something so you're coming with us too." The officer said firmly. "No vone gives two fucks for Bela...." Bela Lugosi sobbed from the floor.