Charlie(mind) 3: Oh my Fucking Shit.

Exterminate

"So, say you were railing someone, right-" Pyramid head began to no one in particular as they followed after Charlie, "-WOAH WHAT-" The enderman shouted. "-Don't fucking interrupt enderwhore," Pyramid Head snapped, "Say you're railing someone, and they just suddenly pull out a feather and start tickling your balls. Is that weird?"
"That's fucking perverted." The enderman said flatly. "No, perverted isn't tickling someone's balls with a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole bird." Pyramid Head replied bluntly. "IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THIS WITH YOU GUYS?!!" The enderman yelled hysterically. "Someone asked us that before. I can't remember who it was, and I don't remember what happened to them, but they're not here now which means they almost certainly died." Pyramid head said flatly. "He's right." Charlie grinned. "So say your porking a bitch, right-" Pyramid Head began. "Please not this again-" The enderman whispered. "DAMN STOP FUCKING INTERRUPTING!!! FUCKING WHORE!!!!" Pyramid head yelled. "I was whisper-" The enderman began, "THERE YOU GO, FUCKING INTERRUPTING AGAIN!!!! MAYBE YOU WON'T KEEP INTERRUPTING WITH MY DICK IN YOUR MOUTH!!!! WHORE!!!!" Pyramid Head yelled, swinging a punch at the enderman, who teleported out the way and reappeared looking fearful and bewildered. "Come on cuboid man, let it go." Charlie soothed. Pyramid Head took a deep breath and said, "Sorry. Literally every emotion I experience translates to anger in my head now. I'll probably kill someone soon."
"Oop." Charlie grinned. "W-we're here." The enderman stammered, still giving Pyramid Head a wide berth. "Great, room 666! Come on Gru!" Charlie squealed, flinging the door open. Three people sat at a desk; Robbie Rotten, Shaggy and Sonic the Hedgehog. "Are you here for the audition?" Robbie Rotten asked. "No, he is." Charlie smiled, herding Gru into the centre of the room. All three judges' faces fell at the sight of Gru and they averted their eyes, turning pasty white. "We should've given him a makeover first." The enderman whispered. "I vill vin mizz vorld." Gru stated flatly, his goat eyes bulging menacingly out of his malformed skull and the worm-like writing beneath his skin becoming worse than ever before. "OK, OK, JUST LIKE, D-DON'T HURT US, MAN!!" Shaggy stammered. "H-here's your certificate granting you entry to the pageant." Sonic said shakily, signing a piece of paper and handing it to Gru. Gru took the paper from Sonic with a leer, his elongated, blackening nose millilitres away from Sonic's face. Sonic fainted. "T-the dressing room is j-just down the hall." Robbie Rotten stuttered, pointing a trembling hand in the right direction. Gru sharted tauntingly at the audition judges and skipped merrily from the room. "Sorry about the mess." Charlie said apologetically as he followed after Gru. "HE PASSED THE AUDITION?!!" Pyramid head yelled at Charlie as he stepped out room 666. "He sure did." Charlie grinned. "HE WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR TEN FUCKING SECONDS!!!" Pyramid Head shouted. "Gru can be very persuasive." Charlie replied. Gru had already sprinted down the hall and stood at a door labelled, 'Dressing Room'. "Hurry, my toenails vont paint zemselves!!" Gru screeched with a grin. "Oh god..." Pyramid Head whispered as he approached the dressing room. Gru flung open the door and pranced into the room, causing a series of screams from the other contestants. Multiple women, smothered in makeup and all wearing glamorous dresses, fled from the room, while the others all cowered on the far side of the dressing room. "Makeover time!" Charlie sung with excitement, whisking Gru into a chair. "What colour dress would you like Gru?" Charlie asked, opening the door to a wardrobe that was more like an entire room. "Electric piss yellow." Gru leered. "Coming right up!" Charlie grinned, sifting through countless dresses. "I found some makeup!" The enderman called, holding up a makeup bag. Charlie produced an eye-bleeding, sickly piss-yellow dress with equally horrible piss-yellow sequin trimmings and shouted, "Voila!" Gru reached his clawing, twisted hands towards the dress and Charlie handed it to him. After a ten minute struggle, during which Gru grinned vacantly the whole time, the others finally managed to get his titanic, blubbery form into the dress. "Ok, makeup now!" Charlie sighed. "His feet don't fit into any shoes!!!" Gonzo screeched, trying to force Gru's bird-of-prey like talons into a pair of heels. "Move, bignose." Pyramid Head snapped, shoving Gonzo to the side. Pyramid Head then proceeded to drive the shoes onto Gru's feet, a series of cracking noises sounding as Gru's clawed toes snapped and bent backwards. Gru didn't even flinch, the vacant grin never leaving his face as he looked down at his feet and said, "I am going to be ze prettiest girl at ze harvest moon ball."
"Hold still, Gru." Charlie smiled as he attempted to apply some liquid eyeshadow to Gru's bulging goat eyes. However, Gru's skin was so oily and slimy that the liquid eyeshadow wouldn't stay in place, and kept sliding down Gru's grotesque bald head and onto the floor. Charlie grinned desperately as he attempted to put the liquid eyeshadow on Gru's eyelid for the seventh time. "I have an idea; we could put some sort of powder on his face to give the liquid eyeshadow something to stick to. That's what I would do whenever I did my friend Brittney's makeup." The enderman suggested. "Why did you have to do that with Brittney?" Charlie asked. "She's a slime." The enderman explained. "THERE'S A BAG OF FLOWER OVER HERE!!" Gonzo screeched, pulling a bag of flower from one of the women's shopping bags. "Perfect. Bring it over here Gonzo!" Charlie called. Gonzo rushed over, tore open the bag and poured the whole thing onto Gru's face. It mixed with the layer of slime that coated Gru's skin immediately and became a sort of glue. Charlie pulled the majority of the Gru glue off Gru's face with his many hands, leaving only a thin white layer that he could apply the makeup to. With careful precision, he began to apply Gru's makeup. While he was doing that, Pyramid Head and the enderman picked out dresses and Pyramid Head watched curiously as the enderman applied purple makeup to his eyes. Gonzo helped Charlie complete Gru's makeup look, which was still difficult despite the flour because Gru was deliberately making his skin ripple with worms in the areas that Charlie and Gonzo were trying to apply makeup to. Gru ended up looking like a freakish victorian doll after being put in a washing machine, but Charlie was too tired to care, and sat down and sighed, "That'll do."
"I picked out this green velvet dress for you." The enderman smiled, walking over. "How did you know I love green?!" Charlie chirped, taking the dress and slipping it onto his first torso. "Endermen have telepathy." The enderman explained. "Oh yeah, I forgot." Charlie said, peering into a mirror to apply his own flamboyant makeup. Gru stood up in his piss yellow heels, twirled in his piss yellow dress, blinked his crusty, mascara-caked eyelashes and smirked, "Monalisa, zis is she-sa."
"Right Gru, let's get you ready with the other contestants to go on stage!" Charlie grinned. Suddenly, a dalek whirred into the room and yelled in it's grating mechanical voice, "I WILL CONQUER AND CRUSH ALL OTHER CONTESTANTS IN THIS PAGEANT SHOW FOR THE GLORY OF THE DALEK EMPIRE!!!"
"Ok queen," Charlie grinned, "Need any help choosing a dress?"
"YES." The dalek replied. "Tough titties, because we're on opposing sides, and our side's pageant contestant is Gru. Good luck beating him you giant, glorified pepper shaker." Pyramid Head cut in. "THAT HURT MY FEELINGS," The dalek yelled, aiming it's gun at Pyramid Head, "PREPARE TO BE EXTERMINATED!!!"
"Wait! Listen.. dalek, before you kill cone head, may I remind you that murdering other pageant contestants gets you instantly disqualified, meaning you won't be able to take part, win the contest and bring glory to the dalek empire." Charlie pointed out. The dalek lowered it's gun and said, "YOU ARE LUCKY I'M HIGH ON LSD RIGHT NOW." A woman from the group of other contestants still cowering in the corner of the dressing room inched forwards in an attempt to flee the room and Pyramid Head pointed at her and said, "God, how much fucking plastic surgery have you had? Your lips look like Lennie from of mice and men got two of his fingers trapped in a door and then stapled them to your face, and your cheekbones are more unnaturally pronounced than Crustybus Shityourpants. Are you even allowed in a fucking beauty contest when every feature on your face has been pumped with more plastic than the oceans and rivers surrounding Jeffery Bezos' factories?! When you die I'll make sure to donate your body to Tupperware. God, I bet the most constipated man in the world's bowels move more than your fucking face. You look like Ja Ja Binx, get the fuck out of my sight!!" The woman burst into hysterical tears and ran from the room, burying her face in her hands. "God, what was her problem?!" Pyramid head snapped. "Are you ok?" Charlie asked. "What?! She won't come back, it's one less person to compete against." Pyramid head shrugged. "No but genuinely, is something the matter?" Charlie asked again. "Well, I haven't eaten in days and it's making me angry." Pyramid Head replied. "I diagnose you with hangry, my friend. Here," Charlie said, regurgitating a box of brownies, "have a home baked brownie!"
"Can I have one?" The enderman asked shyly. "Of course! Brownies for everyone!" Charlie shouted, and the others all crowded round to take a brownie. Gonzo grabbed two handfuls and ate them all in rapid succession, the enderman dislocated his jaw and stuffed his mouth with as many as he could, Pyramid Head grabbed the box and tipped brownies into the hole in his pyramid, Charlie took two and began to munch happily, and Gru devoured all that remained, which was a lot since the box Charlie had regurgitated was easily the size of a bathtub. Gru devoured that too. "Thank you so much, god, I hadn't eaten all the time Nuke was holding me hostage." The enderman said through a mouthful of brownie. "Yeah, these certainly hit the spot." Pyramid Head chimed in. "They taste funny!" Gonzo grinned. Charlie stopped eating suddenly, his eyes widening as he said, "Wait.... guys, I hate to tell you this, but I think..... I think..."
"Think what? Charlie, think what?!" Pyramid Head shouted. "I think these are weed brownies." Charlie announced finally. Everyone fell silent and stopped chewing. "What." Pyramid head said flatly. "These are edibles." Charlie replied bluntly. "ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!! HOW ARE WE GONNA FIND THE STAGE AND GET GRU READY TO COME ON IF WE'RE ALL HIGH AS BALLS?!!!" Pyramid Head yelled. Charlie blinked, frowning as if he was remembered something, when suddenly he laughed and said, "Ooh no, my mistake, I didn't put weed in these brownies!" Everyone sighed, some in relief and some in disappointment. "It was acid." Charlie said. "WHAT?!!" Pyramid head yelled. "I ate so many!! I ate so fucking many!!!" The enderman cried. "WOOOO!!!!! YEAH!!!" Gonzo screeched delightedly. "Acid takes a few hours to kick in so if we hurry we should be able to get Gru behind stage and get ourselves into the audience in time." Charlie said, grabbing Gru's bloated, brownie-smeared form and bustling him out the dressing room. "LET'S GET A MOVE ON THEN!!!" Pyramid Head shouted, sprinting down the corridor. "How long till the pageant starts?" The enderman asked. An arm sprouted from Charlie's torso with a wristwatch on it and he peered at it and said, "Ten minutes."
"Oh my GOD!!!" Pyramid head yelled from down the hall, and everyone glanced at each other and broke into sprints. Pyramid Head crashed into a member of staff, grabbed her by her wig and yelled, "TAKE US TO THE FUCKING BACKSTAGE ENTRANCE!!!! OUR FUTURE PAGEANT QUEEN IS GONNA BE FUCKING LATE!!!!"
"O-ok, ok!!" The member of staff sobbed, leading them shakily down the corridor. As soon as Pyramid head spotted a door that said 'Back Stage Entry', he hammered on it until an obviously gay man opened it. "Hello, here for the show?" The man smiled. "Here. This is Gru, he's a contestant." Pyramid head said flatly, handing Gru over to the gay man, who gagged and said, "C-certificate to show you passed your audition?" Gru regurgitated the certificate and handed it to the man, who took it very reluctantly and held it at arms length as he said, "Just follow me, I'll take you to get ready to go on stage with the other contestants." Pyramid Head walked forwards to go backstage after Gru, but the gay man held out a manicured hand and said, "Only contestants and members of staff are allowed past this point." With that, he slammed the door shut, and Pyramid Head turned to look at the others and said, "Do you think him and the other members of staff will be able to handle Gru in there?"
"Who cares, let's go take our seats in the crowd!" Charlie grinned, rushing over to a large glass double door that had the words, 'Miss Universe Stadium' above it on a gold plaque. Charlie, Pyramid Head, Gonzo and the enderman all entered the massive stadium, looking around in awe at the vast space; dozens of purple floodlights fell gently on the massive audience, and multicoloured spotlights illuminated the stage. "God, I can't wait to see the crowds reaction to Gru." Pyramid Head shouted with glee over the noise of the crowd as the four of them pushed through the rows of people in the fancy plush chairs that made up the stadium until they finally found four that were free together and took their seats. Charlie regurgitated four bags of popcorn and handed them round. "Oh god, I think the acid's kicking in..." The enderman mumbled.