Charlie(mind) 3: Oh my Fucking Shit.

Swamp Camping

"Well, I liked Gonzo's idea of swamp camping, who's down?" Charlie asked with a grin as they all walked through The End Mall. Endie and Pyramid Head exchanged a horrified glance before Pyramid Head yelled, "Swamp camping?!! As in camping in a fucking swamp?!!"
"I assume that's what Gonzo meant, but it's difficult to be sure." Charlie grinned, turning to look at Gonzo, who was currently trying to tie his elongated nose into the shape of a dog like a balloon animal. "Charlie," Pyramid Head began, "Camping at all is fucking horrendous. It's damp, cold, musty and fucking miserable, not to mention pointless, it's like torturing yourself with nature's elements for fun, and you want to go camping in a fucking SWAMP?!!!"
"That's pretty much exactly what I'm saying, yeah." Charlie replied with a grin. "SWAMP CAMPING!!!!" Gonzo howled. "I vould like to camp in ze swamp." Gru snorted, his face sinking backwards into the disgusting folds of his rotting body. "I know a campsite in a swamp! It's called camp Stinka-wah-way!" Gonzo grinned. "That sounds fucking awful." Pyramid Head replied bluntly. "Come on triangle, can you even think of a more inviting-sounding place?" Charlie asked with a grin. Pyramid Head tapped his pyramid in mock-contemplation and said, "Let's see, camp Shit-covered-festerhole? Camp Crapstench? Camp Stinking-piss-covered-fugly-ugly-shitty-fucking-"
"OK, ok, so the name isn't great, but camping sounds fun and we have nothing better to do! You'll never know that it's a shitbomb until you've been there!" Charlie replied with a smile. "You know, it might be an unforgettable experience!" Endie mused, beginning to consider the idea. "That's what I'm fucking afraid of." Pyramid Head replied bluntly. "Come on guys! Let's go swamp camping!!" Charlie shouted with a grin. Pyramid Head groaned, punching Gonzo in the face before finally saying, "For fucks sake, fine."
"Has anyone else noticed how Pyramid Head treats Gonzo like a literal fucking punching bag?!" Endie shouted. "I have!" Gonzo grinned, holding his bleeding nose. "Fucking duh." Pyramid Head muttered, kicking Gonzo in the stomach. "Just kidding." Gonzo coughed. "Endie, how do we get out of the End?" Charlie asked. "My mind is a sewer and the rats are getting out." Gru coagulated obnoxiously. Endie was too thrown off by what Gru had coagulated to respond to Charlie, and Charlie clicked his fingers in front of Endie's face and said, "Hello?"
"W- y-yes?! Sorry. I can teleport us all out the End if you want." Endie replied. "Do it please, I haven't seen the sun in so long I've started to go as crazy as Gonzo." Pyramid Head muttered, watching as Gonzo made a painting of an elephant on the floor of the mall in his own blood. "Right, everyone grab onto me." Endie said, and everyone held onto Endie's elongated limbs, including Francoeur, who had decided to stay with the group because he had no other friends except the ones currently in Paris. Then, Endie concentrated and teleported them out of the End back to their usual dimension (The Chaos Universe's version of earth). They all appeared in a remote trailer park, everyone being teleported roughly and falling to the ground in a groaning, tangled heap. "Sorry about the rocky teleportation, endermen are very light so we can teleport without getting injured but when I teleport with all of you there's risk of some getting hurt, especially when I'm hopping between dimensions." Endie explained apologetically. "Excuses, excuses." Pyramid Head muttered, standing to reveal Gonzo crushed beneath everyone. "Oh dear." Charlie grinned, pulling out his restoration gun. "Ok, which way to camp shity-wah-wee?" Pyramid Head asked Gonzo as soon as he was reanimated. Gonzo emitted a loud clicking sound, turning 360 degrees like a periscope, and then announced, "Follow me," and began to march of in a general eastbound direction. Pyramid head looked around at all the trailers and said, "Fuck going on foot, I see a nice hippy van over there."
"THEFT!!! THEFT!!! THEFT!!!" Gru chanted with shrill eagerness. "Oh mon dieu, il ne faut pas voler! C'est faux!" Francoeur exclaimed frenchly, before remembering the others spoke english and saying, "Stealing is wrong!"
"Wait," Gonzo said with a smug smirk, "I have a better idea."
"Gonzo you warped troll-brained baggage, the day you have an idea that's worth hearing will be on the twelfth of fucking never." Pyramid Head replied bluntly. "Oh yeah?" Gonzo grinned, and then he reached up his asshole, rummaged around and pulled out a mobile phone, which he promptly dialled and waited for an answer. Someone picked up and said in a voice that sounded like if a radioactive oil spill could talk, "Hello?"
"Hi R. Rooster, I have some pals that wanna visit your camp, think you can pick us up in your luxury five star camping minibus?" Gonzo asked with a grin. "Sure thing Gonzy!" The oil-spill-sounding voice replied, and Gonzo hung up, put the phone back up his ass and said, "Our one way ticket to paradise is on it's way!"
"Gonzo, this better be a genuinely nice fucking campsite." Pyramid Head snapped. "It is!" Gonzo grinned. "Good, cause if it's not, I'll kill you." Pyramid Head replied bluntly. A deranged old fashioned car honk sounded loudly in the distance, and the group of six looked over to see a rickety, rusted yellow minibus careening over hills in the distance like a deranged crack-addicted wasp. It went jerking and rattling down towards the trailer park the charliemind gang were in at a ludicrous speed, it's agonised engine chuffing and clattering as it went, and the group of six braced themselves for the van to break down entirely and go rolling down the rest of the way out of control. Miraculously, the van didn't conk out and made it to the trailer park, screeching to a stop. "Oh my god." Endie said flatly. "How did they get here so quick?" Charlie asked. "Gonzo, what the fuck is that?!" Pyramid Head shouted. "A one way ticket to paradise." Gonzo grinned vacantly, his eyes wide and glinting. "This long car looks sad." Francoeur stated with clear concern. "I'd say it has more of an angry vibe." Endie mused. The door to the rusting yellow minivan creaked open and the group of six shielded their eyes from a blinding green glow. Out of the door stumbled a deformed, tumour-covered rooster that was surrounded in an eerie green luminescence. "Sorry I didn't come out the van earlier, the door gets clagged up with all the swamp's mud and slime that accumulates in the hinges." The rooster grated out, giving the group a wave with a glowing, stubby, featherless wing. "Why are you glowing?" Charlie asked with a grin, though underlying concern was present. "You look like the kinda guy who'd already know the answer to that." The rooster said with a wink. "I have access to infinite knowledge but I'm scared to look." Charlie replied, his concerned grin widening. "You're really asking him why he's glowing and not why a rooster can fucking talk?!" Pyramid Head shouted. "Also the fact that he has three nipples." Endie pointed out. "Allow me to introduce myself," The rooster began, "My name is Radioactive Rooster, but most people call me Double R, pleased to meet ya! I'm the founder and owner of Camp Stinka-Wah-Way."
"I hate you." Pyramid Head replied bluntly. "You know what they say, you go your way, I'll go Stinka-Wah-Way!" Radioactive Rooster grinned. "I want to kill you." Pyramid Head stated flatly. "Do you have wifi?" Endie asked. "Sure do, it seems to follow me wherever I go!" Radioactive Rooster replied with another grin. "Concern." Charlie grinned back bluntly. "All aboard, campers!" Radioactive Rooster shouted, beckoning everyone on board his rusty yellow deathtrap of a minibus. Everyone climbed reluctantly into the minibus except Gonzo, who ran in excitedly and Gru, who scuttled up the side and latched onto the van's roof. "Take your seats but be aware, the chairs will stick to you!" Radioactive Rooster grinned, jumping into the driver's seat and grabbing the wheel. Everyone cautiously sat in the battered retro seats, fastening the seatbelts when they remembered what they'd witnessed of Radioactive Rooster's driving. Radioactive Rooster cackled like a deranged hyena and slammed his clawed bird foot onto the accelerator, and the minibus jerked forwards and careened down the road faster than a very aerodynamic squirrel getting hurled overarm by a stone giant from The Hobbit. Everyone screamed, some in terror and some in thrilled glee as the minibus went veering off the road and speeding over hills, smashing through fences and cattle and jostling everyone inside around like marbles in a blender. "I AM ZE MAYOR OF THE UNIVERSE!!!" They heard Gru howl from the roof. "Oh it's a long way, to Stinka-Wah-Way!! It's a long way, to go!!!" Radiation Rooster sung at the top of his lungs, "It's a long way, to Stinka-" Before he could continue, his beak fell off and fell to the floor with a stomach-churning splat. "Il chante comme une casserole!" Francoeur heckled. Radioactive Rooster leaned down to pick his beak off the floor and the van began to zigzag even more manically than before. "KEEP YOUR FESTERING EYES ON THE FUCKING NONEXISTENT FUCKING FUCK ROAD YOU FAT FEATHERLESS FUCK!!!!" Pyramid Head screamed. Radioactive Rooster finally managed to grab his beak as it slid around in the bottom of the van and stuck it back onto his face saying, "There we go!" However, when he turned back to face ahead and navigate what areas of ground to massacre with his rough, deflated minibus wheels, he saw that the ground had vanished; the minibus went plummeting straight off a cliff and everyone shrieked in raw terror as they descended meteorically to their imminent doom. Luckily, the crash they all excepted never came as the bus landed in deep, swampy marshland, the thick mud cushioning their fall. "Well, here we are!" Radioactive Rooster called cheerily, jumping up, manually forcing the slime-clogged minibus door open and stepping out into the swamp. "Mon Dieu..." Francoeur whispered, shakily following the deranged glowing rooster out of the minibus. Endie, who's wide, frenzied, purple eyes were fixated on the windscreen, managed to tear his claws out of the arms of his chair but was still in too much of a state of shock to stand. Pyramid Head ripped his fingers out of Gonzo's throat, which he had been using as a stress toy during the drive, and stumbled to his feet, taking a deep breath and then slowly stepping out of the minibus into the viscid mud of the marshland, which clawed at his boots like quicksand. Charlie stood with a taut grin, picked up the suffocated Gonzo and rigid enderman, and carried them both out of the minibus. Gru's many sagging folds of flesh had flown back behind him during the drive and were now all frozen like that, making Gru look like a horrific sideways-melting ice cream. Gru turned slowly to look at the others, his orange goat eyes even wider than usual thanks to his eyelids having been pulled backwards by the wind, and crumped, "My tonsils are oozing pestilence."
"Well, this is it! Camp Stinka-Wah-Ga-uh, Way." Radioactive Rooster grinned, gesturing around; four small, musty, waterlogged tents were pitched on a small area of firmer grassy earth next to a rusty metal trailer that looked like it hadn't moved in years, and the stench was indescribable. Everyone glanced around at the absolute cesspit that sat before them with expressions of horror, except Gonzo, who looked delighted at the sight of Stinka-Wah-Way. "This is...." Charlie began with a taut grin. "Charlie, why didn't you look into the future and see that this was the camp that awaited us?!! This is fucking HIDEOUS!!!" Pyramid Head yelled, kicking a toad across the marsh. "I don't like to look at spoilers!" Charlie protested. "This is what we get for trusting Gonzo." Endie said mournfully.