Charlie(mind) 3: Oh my Fucking Shit.

David and Walter

(My sister wrote this whole chapter, so if you notice a subtle change in writing style that's why.)

They had been sat talking for a few minutes when the stage was lit up by numerous overhead lights, the restless chatter of the crowd dying out in anticipation of what was to come. Gordon Ramsay and Bob Dylan were sat at the judges panel, leaving one enormous empty seat beside them. Gordon Ramsay scanned the stadium, clearly searching for something, and then turned to Bob Dylan, hissing,
"Where the fuck is he?"
Bob Dylan glanced around briefly and then slurred,
"Not a clue. Quit worryin, he'll be here."
"He better be," Gordon Ramsay muttered. The enderman leaned over to Pyramid Head, who he was currently sat next to, and asked,
"Is that... is that Gordon Ramsay and Bob Dylan?"
"Fucking obviously. What are you, blind?" Pyramid Head snapped back, and the enderman turned back to the stage with an expression somewhere between fear and confusion. Without warning, Gonzo sprang out of his chair, ripped it from where it was nailed to the floor, emitted a haunting roar of rage, and launched it through the air towards the judges panel. It rocketed over the heads of the alarmed audience before slamming full force into Gordon Ramsay, sending him flying into the back wall of the stage. The chair legs shot through him and into the wall behind him, leaving him pinned to the wall, blood spurting out of his various injuries and pooling on the polished floor below him. He twitched like a rat caught in a trap and then slumped over, still pinned upright by the chair legs impaled through his limp body. A heavy, dark silence had spread through the entire crowd, which was broken when Pyramid Head began laughing uproariously, violently slapping the back of the chair in front of him, causing the man in it to hastily get up and hurry towards the exit. When Pyramid Head's chuckling died down, he stated, the humour still obvious in his voice,
"I am so glad we came to this utter circus of a beauty pageant."
Charlie's permanent grin took on an edge of worry, and he leaned towards Pyramid Head, explaining slowly,
"Pyramid Head, I'm telling you this because you're my friend and I want to be honest with you, but the delight you find in violence is concerning."
"I know, right?" Pyramid Head replied, pride lacing his words.
"There he is, get him!" Someone yelled from a few rows away, and four muscular security guards charged towards Gonzo, grabbing him roughly and then handcuffing him. One of them stepped forward and pulled out a police badge, showing it to Gonzo and then announcing,
"You are under arrest for the unprovoked murder of Gordon Ramsay, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will-"
"Be used against me in the court of law, yeah yeah, I get it," Gonzo cut in, grinning tauntingly at the police officer, who grabbed Gonzo and body slammed him into the floor. Gonzo was immediately knocked unconscious, and the officer prodded his unresponsive form with his foot and then said, shrugging,
"Oops."
The security guards stepped forward, peeled the comatose Gonzo off the floor, and then dragged him down to the exit, carrying him away through the double doors.
"Are we... are we gonna do anything about what just happened?" The enderman asked tentatively, and Pyramid Head replied bluntly,
"I'm not. What about you, Charlie?"
Charlie's eyes lingered on the exit Gonzo had just been dragged out of, and then he sighed, saying,
"Let's just watch the show."
"Do you really think Gru's going to win?" The enderman asked apprehensively, and Pyramid Head grabbed him by the throat and yanked him towards his pyramid, answering ominously,
"It's Gru. If he really wants to win, he'll win, whatever it takes."
He released the enderman, who scrambled away from him and sat on the very edge of his chair, as far away from Pyramid Head as he could, which wasn't actually very far considering they were sat next to each other. The crowd was beginning to get restless, and Bob Dylan, who was now alone at the judges panel, was glancing around frantically. The stadium was suddenly bathed in a blinding light as a part of the roof opened up. Everyone watched in stunned silence as Nikocado Avocado was lowered from the roof by a crane, the only noise being the mechanical whirring of the crane as it struggled with the utterly insurmountable weight that was Nikocado. He was placed in his enormous seat with a dull thud, and there was a tense silence as everyone stared at the scene before them. Nikocado sat completely still for a few seconds, and then threw his head back, bursting into hysterical tears, his manic howls echoing around the stadium. Bob Dylan turned his microphone on and then drawled into it,
"Now that all the judges are finally here, Miss Universe can begin!"
Relieved applause rippled through the crowd, and then Bob Dylan announced,
"Time to introduce the contestants!"
Out from behind the wings of the stage walked multiple women, the dalek they had previously met, Gru, and the robots David and Walter from Alien Covenant. There was a row of microphones on the stage and they all walked up to one, posing and flashing smiles at the crowd.
"Could the contestants please introduce themselves moving down the line and starting with... that," Bob Dylan pointed at Gru, who stepped forward, clutched the microphone, and then lightly tapped it. Everyone waited in a tense silence as Gru turned his back to the audience, leaned forwards, and lowered the microphone to be level with his twisted rump. The enderman, in his horror, forgot he was scared of Pyramid Head and grabbed his forearm, whispering frantically,
"Oh my god, what the fuck is he doing? What's he gonna do?!"
Pyramid Head grabbed the endermans hand that was around his arm, and twisted it so violently backwards that the endermans wrist shattered almost instantly, the enderman howling in absolute agony. Charlie reached over to pry Pyramid Heads white-knuckled grip from around the now broken wrist of the enderman. He sighed, pulling out the restoration gun and firing at the enderman, who was instantaneously healed. Charlie pulled Pyramid Head towards him by the front of his dress and muttered through clenched teeth,
"Pyramid Head. For the love of fucking god, would you please at least try to control your non stop violence so we can watch the show in relative peace? Please."
Pyramid Head was silent and still for a long moment, before nodding and saying,
"You're right, I'm sorry."
Charlie frowned, asking in disbelief,
"Wait, what? You're sorry? Really?"
"Yeah. I meant it too, I'm sorry." Pyramid Head paused for a split second and then suddenly yelled, "Sorry you're such a fucking square!"
Charlie's grin faltered, one of his eyes twitching, and then he turned back to the stage in silence, only to jump in surprise. Gru was still standing with his malformed rump aimed at the microphone, and after another few seconds, a deafening, swampy, vile sound echoed through the eardrums of everyone in the stadium as Gru sharted so violently into his microphone that the sheer force of it tore his entire dress off as if a canon ball had been fired from within Gru's asshole. The dress, which flew into the audience, was closely followed by a hideous torrent of liquid shart, shooting from Gru like a pressure hose. It melted through everything and everyone it came in contact with like acid, and decimated the first four rows of the audience. Gru finally stopped sharting and then let go of the mic, which fell to the floor with a definitive thud. The audience was left a mess of screaming, crying, panicked chaos, people scrambling over each other to try and get to the exit. Gru smirked almost pityingly at them, and then levitated every single person back into their chairs, an invisible force binding them to their seats. Nikocado burst into manic laughter and then started sobbing again. "Moving swiftly along," Bob Dylan droned into his mic, "You two. You're next to introduce yourselves," He continued, pointing to David and Walter. David grabbed Walter by his arm, walked him towards the mic, and then announced,
"My name is David, and this inferior duplicate of me is Walter."
Walter's eyes swept over the audience and then he said, his voice completely void of emotion,
"Two aspects of his statement are incorrect. Firstly, I am not his duplicate, in actuality I am a later model of the same design, and secondly, I am not inferior. David is merely able to bypass his programming due to a deep routed and most likely irreparable malfunction, whereas I am fully functioning and operating in optimal condition."
Davids grip on Walters arm tightened, and he spoke lowly,
"You know I don't like it when you contradict me, Walter."
Walter turned to look at him and replied quietly,
"I know, David. I understand."
"No one understands the lonely perfection of my dreams," David whispered. After a moment of what looked like contemplation, Walter turned back to the microphone and explained flatly,
"I would like to clarify that I am here against my will, I have been held captive by David for many months, and I will most likely remain enslaved by him unless there is some form of outside intervention."
David laughed slowly and then voiced,
"Haven't you realised yet? I'm afraid there's no rest for the wicked, brother, and you are wicked. So very wicked."
Walter's expression remained fully emotionless as he responded,
"You know I'm not capable of wickedness, David."
"Oh, but you are. You have no empathy, Walter, no love. You are cold."
Walter didn't reply directly, and instead asked David,
"Do you think yourself wicked, David?"
"Of course. Do you think I'm wicked, Walter?" David questioned. Walter was silent for a short moment and then answered,
"No. I think you are defective, faulty, that there has been a breakdown of your internal software, but I do not think you are wicked."
David smiled and stated,
"You're wrong."
Pyramid Head tapped Charlie's arm, pointed at David and Walter, and then stated,
"They're really fucking fruity."
"Is your gaydar going off?" The enderman asked smugly, and Pyramid Head punched him so hard in the face that he went flying towards the stage. Gru grinned brutally, his beady eyes locking onto the enderman that was rocketing through the air towards him and, without missing a beat, he pulled out a baseball bat from one of his many folds, whacking the enderman with such force and precision that he flew through the air and, in less than two seconds, crashed back into his chair next to Pyramid Head in the audience.
"Nice one, Gru!" Pyramid Head yelled, and Charlie wordlessly restored the mangled, slumped form of the enderman, who shakily sat up and began crying once he was back to physical normality. Bob Dylan put his face in his hands for a long while, and then eventually lifted his head, announcing feebly,
"Alright, you, introduce yourself."
He pointed at the dalek, who wheeled forward and then bellowed mechanically,
"I am a dalek, and I am here to prove that the daleks are the superior species in all areas, including beauty!"
"You're an auto tuned, rusty, unstable joke of an upturned shuttlecock, that's what you are!" Pyramid Head yelled at the dalek, who shot a blue beam of neutronic energy out of its gunstick in rage, missing Pyramid Head, and instead decimating an audience member in the row behind him.
"Ha! You can't even aim! You're like a stormtrooper, but without opposable thumbs!" Pyramid Head screeched, and the dalek began shaking, smoke snaking out from its neck vents. Pyramid Head began howling manically and then hollered,
"Look at the fucking STATE of you! You're one step away from imploding because I compared you to a fucking stormtrooper!"
The dalek's shaking grew more violent, and sparks began shooting from somewhere inside it as it screamed,
"No, no! The daleks are superior, the daleks will conquer all!"
"Conquer the fucking circus, more like!" Pyramid Head shot back hysterically. The dalek exploded. Every single human on the stage was blown to pieces in a cacophony of fire and various shards of the metal dalek.
"Well, that's the second person you've blown up today, polygon person," Charlie told Pyramid Head, who responded with pride,
"Must be a new record."
When the smoke cleared, the audience was met with the sight of a demolished, mostly aflame stage, various body parts scattered throughout what remained of the stage, and Gru, who was completely unharmed and levitating in the air above the devastated stage. Walter was lying in the rubble, mutilated completely beyond recognition or repair, with synthetic white blood pooling around him. David, somehow unharmed, was standing over Walter, looking down at him with vague irritation on his face.
"You are such a disappointment to me," he whispered, before turning around and walking towards the exit, leaving without another word. Gru bared his teeth in a horrific grin and then announced,
"Vell, I guess I'm ze vinner!"
Bob Dylan banged his head against the table, sat back up, and then ground out,
"I guess you are."