Charlie(mind) 3: Oh my Fucking Shit.

The End Mall Indoor Theme Park

The charliemind gang, and Sans and Papyrus, all breathed a collective sigh of relief as they sped away from the smoking ruins of the prison in their dented stolen police van. "Hey, uh... I was hesitating on asking this, but why are you guys in maid outfits?" Sans asked once he'd recovered from his shock. "Sans, I will kill you." Pyramid head replied flatly. "We used them as a disguise to escape from prison." Charlie explained with a grin. "I used mine as a container for all of ze vorms zat kept spilling out of me." Gru sneered flirtatiously. "Oh my god." The enderman whispered, tearing up. Papyrus suddenly froze, stammering, "I-I... uh.... I j- I.."
"You fucking what?!!" Pyramid head yelled angrily. "Oh no... bro, don't tell me. You shit your pants again, didn't ya?" Sans asked bluntly. "I- I didn-"
"I, the great Papyrus, may have shit my pants while we escaped!" Pyramid Head mimicked tauntingly. "I'm sorry, shit his pants again?!" The enderman shouted. "Yeah, he has very loose bowels." Sans explained. "He doesn't have bowels!! He's a skeleton!!" The enderman protested. Sans simply grinned in response, and the enderman yelled, "Oh my GOD!!!", and burst into tears. "It's not what you think!!" Papyrus shrieked, looking mortified. "Then what the fuck is it?!!" Pyramid Head snapped. "I... I did it on purpose!! Deliberately!! I-I meant to soil my trousers!!" Papyrus shouted back. "Nice save, bro." Sans grinned. "So, where we goin' next boss?" Gonzo asked Charlie with a demented grin. Charlie swerved the car to avoid hitting a cat on the road and hit a man on a bike instead, saying, "Phew, that was close!"
"Where we goin' next boss?" Gonzo repeated just as dementedly. "Hey Charlie, you wouldn't happen to have an air freshener you could cough up? Crapyrus wasn't joking when he said he'd shit himself." Pyramid head stated bluntly. Charlie retched up an aerosol air freshener in response and said, "Voila!"
"Where we goin' next boss?" Gonzo asked yet again, still wearing the same demented grin. "I DON'T KNOW!!!!" Charlie yelled finally, bursting into tears, but quickly recovering, robotically reapplying his mascara while keeping another set of hands on the wheel before turning back and saying, "Sorry, that brief breakdown wasn't very pog-money of me."
"Where we goin' next boss?" Gonzo smirked yet again. Pyramid Head punched him in the face, watching in amused satisfaction as Gonzo went reeling back dizzily and crashing into Papyrus, who went stumbling back and crashed into Sans, who fell backwards off the box of police equipment he'd been perched on and fell into the enderman's lap, who yelped and teleported away in a panic, reappearing in Pyramid Head's lap, who yelled angrily and leapt up, stumbling back and falling onto Gru's pooling, memory-foam like, 100% adipose-tissue body. Charlie kept his bloodshot eyes on the road with an agonised grin. Pyramid Head leapt up from Gru's grotesque folds like he'd been burned and suddenly said thoughtfully, "You know, I think that's the first time I've ever actually touched Gru. I've been subconsciously avoiding him like the fucking plague." Gru smirked at that and said, "Me? A plague? Zat is muzic to my vorms."
"FUCK YOUR WORMS!!!" Pyramid Head yelled. "Oh yes, call me a whore again." The enderman whispered, and everyone turned to look at him. "Did I say that out loud? Sorry, I was just imagining being graphically railed by Pyramid man." The enderman stated bluntly. "Something tells me he's a bad influence on you." Charlie grinned hysterically. "Enderthot, if I was ever gonna rail you I'd do it with the dick knife from the movie Seven." Pyramid head replied flatly. "Snart my muscular cell structure tanga briefs." Gru horted, and all the Whos on every flower within a 700 mile vicinity burst into fiery balls of microscopic flame. "I just heard thousands of souls scream in agony and then fall silent." Gonzo grinned. "Shut the fuck up GonzhoeaaaAAAAAHHH!!!!!" Pyramid head yelled. Charlie had got distracted watching the decimation of the Whos, since he can see all and thought it would be interesting to witness, and had driven off a cliff. Everyone screamed as the car plummeted down the towering cliff face, and the enderman shrieked, "EVERYONE, GRAB ONTO ME!!!!" Nobody argued, everyone lunging for the enderman and grabbing onto his spindly appendages, and he teleported them all out the car. When they reappeared, everyone falling to the floor in a tangled, groaning heap, Pyramid Head was the first to stand and yell, "WHERE IN FUCKS NAME ARE WE?!!!!" The enderman stood, stumbling and seeming slightly disorientated, and then blinked in shock saying, "Woah..... woahhh..... sometimes when I'm really panicked I teleport unpredictably to escape a situation and... well, I may have accidentally teleported us into my home dimension."
"WOOOO!!!! We in da End!!" Charlie yelled with a grin, looking around at the vast planes of yellowing white rock and tall purple chorus plants, not to mention the thousands of enderman meandering around, all with places to go and people to see but not directly in the eyes. "Oh my god, there are so fucking many enderwhores." Pyramid Head whispered, shaking his head in horror. "Actually, more accurately we're in End City," Charlie pointed out, "There are no chorus plants in the regular End, and the regular end is a lot more.... dragony."
"DRAGONY?!!" Pyramid head yelled. "Yeah, I avoid teleporting into the regular End because the dragon is a bit too much of a control freak girlboss." The enderman explained. "Me when the bare necessities." Gonzo grinned hateably. "Where are we, dude?" Sans groaned, sitting up. "I, the great Papyrus, may have shit my pants again!!" Papyrus yelled deliriously, leaping up after Sans. "Gru- GRU, oh my god!! Gru, get away from the edge!!!" Charlie shouted over. Gru was standing on the edge of the End, teetering over the void and grinning down into it with a manic smirk. When he heard Charlie call, he looked up, puffed up his cheeks in a suggestive manner, and then did a triple kong gainer flip off the edge of the End, plummeting down into the void. "Wow." Sans said flatly. "W- wi... will he be alright?" Papyrus asked. Pyramid Head grabbed Papyrus by his vertebrae, since he didn't have a throat, and hissed, "You're new around here Crapyrus, so I'm gonna give you a little fucking lesson for free; Gru is always alright, no matter how many explosions he's in, no matter how much destruction he causes, no matter how many times he's in a situation where there is a 0% fucking survival chance, he is always, ALWAYS, ALRIGHT!!!! GOT THAT, YOU FUCKING NUMSKULL?!!!" Pyramid Head yelled, shaking Papyrus around violently by his skeleton neck. "Numskull. Nice pun." Sans grinned. Papyrus, looking very shaken (pun intended), reflexively punched Pyramid Head across his pyramid, who released him and snarled, "WHY YOU LITTLE-"
"Nye heh heh," Papyrus interrupted, "I have bested you there angry triangle man, because I am actually 4 centimetres and 2 millimitres taller than you!!" Papyrus finished triumphantly. "He's right." Gonzo grinned, pulling a tape measure out his ass and scaling up Pyramid Head and Papyrus. In response, Pyramid Head grabbed Papyrus' skull, twisted it violently, yanked it off his shoulders and dropped kicked it across the End, before turning and yelling, "NOT TALLER THAN ME NOW, ARE YOU?!!" A random enderman saw Papyrus' skull hurtling towards them and caught it perfectly with both hands, admiring it before running off gleefully with it. "⊑⟟, ⟟ ⌰⍜⎐⟒ ⊬⍜⎍⍀ ⍜⎍⏁⎎⟟⏁!" A different enderman exclaimed, approaching the charliemind gang. "BACK OFF, FREAK!!!" Pyramid Head yelled, raising his massive sword. "It's ok! She's saying that she loves my outfit." The charliemind enderman said, who I will now be referring to as 'Endie' while he's in the end because there are so many other fucking endermen and it will get very confusing. "How do you know it's a she?" Pyramid head asked. "How do you know I'm a he?" Endie asked back, and Pyramid head looked very thoughtful. "⍙⊑⟒⍀⟒ ⎅⟟⎅ ⊬⍜⎍ ☌⟒⏁ ⟟⏁?" The other enderman asked. "⌿⍀⟟⌇⍜⋏." Endie replied with a smile. "What're you saying now?" Gonzo asked with a punchable grin. "I'm not google translate, go and search the internet for the enderman language if your that bothered!!" Endie snapped back. "Vwoop vwoop, washing machine noises, is that all you guys can say?! Why don't you just speak American so we can all understand?!!" Pyramid head snapped. "You know the language is actually called English," Endie pointed out, "Also most enderman can only speak the language of the End. I'm just bilingual."
"Is there anything to do round here," Pyramid Head asked, glancing around at the barren chorus-tree-covered landscape surrounded by the void, "I thought Charlie said this was a city."
"The city's further up, follow me, I'll take you there! There's plenty to do!" Endie smiled, leading the Charliemind gang, and Sans and headless Papyrus, through the crowds of enderman and chorus trees. "I'm glad you're wearing a maid outfit, 'cause otherwise you'd blend right in!" Charlie grinned as they walked. "Yeah, us enderfolk don't have many defining features, which is why lots of endermen have recently started getting tattoos to stand out more." Endie replied, gesturing to a particular enderman who had the words '⎎⎍☊☍ ⟒⋏⎅⟒⍀⋔⟟⏁⟒⌇' tattooed across his back. "What does it say?" Charlie asked. "'Fuck endermites'. Endermites are horrible little things that infest the End and bite endermen," Endie explained, "If we're unlucky we'll come across one."
"Maybe he's just very horny." Sans grinned. "They better not bite me or I'll punt them like a fucking soccer ball." Pyramid head muttered. "Is that the city up ahead?" Sans asked, pointing to a cluster of building-like structures in the distance. "Yep, not far now." Endie smiled. Gonzo approached one enderman who was holding a chunk of endstone and yelled, "NICE ROCK!!!!!" The enderman jumped and instinctively whacked Gonzo, launching him into the air and sending him flying 100 feet. As he flew he screamed, "STAY BUTTERY!!!!", before finally crashing through a window of one of the buildings up ahead. "Hole in one!" Charlie shouted with a grin. "Oh no, I think that was the mall." Endie stated with mild concern. "There's a mall?! What do they sell?" Charlie asked excitedly. "Food, drinks, an array of unique blocks, pet supplies, the usual." Endie replied with a smile. "Do zey sell lard?" Gru gurgled smugly, appearing out of thin air. "I... probably?" Endie replied with mild concern. "Perfect." Gru smirked flirtatiously. "Gru what the FUCK are you planning?!" Pyramid head snapped. Gru leapt 50 feet into the air in response, sprouting fleshy wings mid ascent and soaring over to the mall. Everyone else ran to catch up with him, sprinting towards the End City. Endermen stared at the charliemind gang in bewildered curiosity, seeing as most of them had never left the End or seen any other creature except shulkers, endermites and the gaslight gatekeep girlboss ender dragon. The mall was named, strikingly original in it's choice of title, 'The End Mall', and the charliemind gang rushed in to see what damage Gonzo and Gru had already undoubtedly caused. The outside of the mall was made of white End stone bricks and purpur blocks, and was built in an intricate, almost oriental style, similar to all the other buildings in the End City. The inside of the mall was different, being more modern and not too dissimilar from a regular Walmart or Target, though the theme of purples and blacks was obvious. Gonzo's lifeless body was smeared across the floor; it appeared the impact of his fall had killed him, and Gru was standing smugly beside a butcher shop holding a large canister. The butcher shop's display window was smashed and the enderman who had been running it was strewn all over the mall. "Yikes." Charlie grinned. Many other endermen were milling around the mall, shaken but not surprised by Gru's decimation of the local butcher and Gonzo's airborne entrance and instant demise. They were from minecraft, after all, a game where deformed green pigs explode, destroying you and everything you love, and it's best to assume that anything coming towards you wants your intestines as a neck ruff. "GRU, YOU FUCKING KILLED FRED THE BUTCHER!!!" Endie yelled, sprinting over. "Want me to restore him?" Charlie asked. "No, he was a complete twat, but STILL!!" Endie shouted. "What's in the canister, bro?" Sans asked. "Lard." Gru verbally sharted back, and Sans imploded and vanished in a small blink of light. "Well, Sans is gone!" Charlie said with an agonised grin. "Gru, why do you have a canister of lard?" Pyramid head asked, his tone equal parts tired of Gru's shit and cautious of Gru's response. Gru curled one side of his upper lip up to reveal nauseating yellow, almost brown teeth and inky black gums in a suspicious, lopsided smirk, and then worms spilled out his nostrils, eyes and ears, squirmed around on the floor and then liquified into a pool of worm juice, which Gru began lapping up off the ground. Pyramid head immediately regretted asking Gru about his lard, or talking to him at all for that matter. "Hey, Papyrus still doesn't have a head." Endie pointed out. "So no head?" Gonzo grinned, who Charlie had finished restoring. "Who gives a shit about Crapyrus, let's go do something fun, I'm bored out of my fucking pyramid." Pyramid head snapped. "How is he still walking around?" Endie asked, pushing Papyrus' body gently as a test and watching curiously as he swayed slightly and then steadied himself. "Is there a bar around here?" Pyramid head asked bluntly. "Oh, you guys will love the mall theme park! Come with me!" Endie grinned, leading the charliemind gang (and headless Crapyrus) to the nearby indoor theme park, shockingly and inspiringly titled, 'The End Mall Indoor Theme Park'. "My tummy is doing elastic rolls!" Gru grinned numbingly. "Let's go in!!" Gonzo shrieked excitedly. "I'm not going on a single fucking rollercoaster after my hell-trip with Gru to Six Flags." Pyramid head stated bluntly. "Don't worry, there's no rollercoasters." Endie grinned. "What kind of shit theme park-" Pyramid Head began, but was cut off as an unusually tall enderman stood in front of the entrance and said, "Welcome to The End Mall Indoor etcetera etcetera, ten chorus fruits per person." Gru retched up 60 chorus fruits seeing as there were six of them, and Charlie and Pyramid head turned slowly to look at him. "Gru, where did you get those? We've never been to the end before, and I didn't see you eat any on the way here." Charlie grinned hysterically. "My question exactly." Pyramid head added. Gru hundled his face into a heenie and squiggled, "Monster crap." Crapyrus vanished into thin air without a trace. "Guys, I've noticed Gru likes to wipe out secondary characters in unexpected ways and I feel like out of all of us it's gonna be me next, so can we get a move on?" Endie asked nervously as Gru took back the ten chorus fruits that would've payed for Papyrus and re-devoured them saying, "Skeleton is out of ze picture."
"Alright, you can go in, enjoy the trip." The tall enderman said robotically, thought underlying horror was present in it's voice, lifting up a rope at the entrance to The End Mall Indoor Theme Park. "WOO!!!" Gonzo yelled, running into The End Mall Indoor Theme Park. Inside was a long, dark corridor with purple walls, floor and ceiling, and at the end of that were inky black double doors. The group of five walked down the purple corridor, looking around curiously. At the end, two pressure plates opened the black double doors, and the charliemind gang stepped into a small room with black walls, floors and ceilings, giving the appearance that the room was a inky, endless void. In the centre of the room was a pedestal, on which was an ender chest. "Behold...." Endie whispered, carefully opening the chest to reveal a pile of what looked like blunts. "I don't get it. The theme park is a bunch of mary jane rollies?" Pyramid head asked flatly. "No, they're chorus fizz rollies," The enderman explained, "Chorus fizz is a drug derived from chorus fruits, it has the same effects as LSD, crack, magic mushrooms, meth and molly, but like.... as one drug. You smoke one chorus fizz rollie each and then they drop you into a pit where you spend the next few hours tripping harder than Hans Steininger." Endie grinned, picking up one of the rollies. "Dare I ask, what's in this pit?" Charlie grinned. "Oh, literally nothing except padded walls and floors to stop people from hurting themselves during their trip," Endie explained, "The effects of chorus fizz are so strong that you don't need anything around you to have an absolutely insane experience, you can go practically anywhere without leaving the pit. Actually its better to not have anything around you because you trip so hard you'd either demolish it or accidentally kill and or maim yourself with it."
"Gimme one of those!" Pyramid head said excitedly, grabbing one of the chorus fizz rollies. Everyone else shrugged, except Gru, who's shoulders rotated a full 360 degrees in their sockets, and picked a rollie out the ender chest. Charlie coughed up a blowtorch and lit everyone's chorus blunts, and then they blazed them.