Charlie(mind) 3: Oh my Fucking Shit.

Pulpified Maynott

Just then, a stereotypical evil villain laugh sounded, and everyone span round to see commissioner Maynott standing evily, pointing his gilded glock at Francoeur. "Seriously?! At my fucking wedding?!!" Raoul shouted. "How did his ass even get out of jail?!" Lucille yelled. "And now, monster, you will perish!" Maynott sneered, cocking his revolver and laughing manically. Pyramid Head pointed at Maynott and howled with mocking laughter, amused by how dishevelled and deranged Maynott was. Just as Maynott went to pull the trigger, something happened; Fancoeur had had enough. Francoeur punched the gun out of Maynott's hand, breaking every bone in his hand and wrist instantly, and, with a scream of, "FUCK YOU," Francoeur viscously beat the absolute undying fuck out of Maynott. "Wow. He's a lot stronger than I thought." Endie stated with mild fear. "Fleas can lift 160,000 times their own body weight- that's the same as a human lifting over 2600 double decker buses. Maynott is going to be fucking unrecognisable." Charlie grinned, watching eagerly as Francoeur kicked Maynott in the face, effortlessly removing his entire lower jaw in a scene of horrific gore, blood and viscera. "Charlie, seriously, how the fuck do you know all these obscure flea facts?!" Pyramid Head shouted over the noise of Maynott's agonised screaming, Francoeur's continuous battering and everyone at the wedding cheering Francoeur on. "I've told you, I know all!" Charlie replied mysteriously with a grin. Francoeur gouged out Maynott's eyes and threw them into a nearby trashcan, then drained almost all of his blood except a tiny amount that could keep him alive and able to suffer. Then, he began to pulpify Maynott's remaining features with all four of his fists, before moving on to rip open his abdomen and kick the shit out of his internal organs. The crowd's cheering grew louder. "Ok, this was fun at first but this is just fucking awful now, like, this is really some graphic shit. Let's go and sit with that monkey over there and drink more champagne." Endie said, cringing as Francoeur ripped off Maynott's nut sack and span it round above his head like a sling before letting go and watching with a grin as it went shooting through the air and landed on a nearby cop car. "Come on, it's just getting good!" Pyramid Head replied gleefully, snapping a photo with his polaroid that he somehow had managed to hold on to. Francoeur pulled out Maynott's intestines and began to choke the still alive, though it was barely, Maynott with them, and Endie threw up enderpearls and fled the scene to sit with Charles the monkey. "Get his ass!!" Lucille yelled. "GO FOR HIS FAT FUCKING THROAT!!!" Emile screamed. "What happened to you being a lily-livered piss baby?!" Pyramid head snapped. "Uh... I mean, oh goodness!" Emile cried pathetically, feigning queasiness. "RIP OFF HIS DICK FRANCY!!" Raoul yelled. By the time Francoeur was done mauling Maynott, he was an unrecognisable, pulpified pile of gut-wrenching gore and twisted limbs strewn all over the wedding plaza. The crowd all surged forwards, grabbed various body parts that had belonged to Maynott, and began to have a snowball fight with them, hurling chunks of viscera and bone matter at each other while laughing gleefully. "Raoul, in the nicest way possible, what kind of people did you invite to your wedding?!" Charlie asked, dodging an airborne femur. "Just me and Emile's friends and family." Raoul flounced, producing a fan with the words, 'YAS QUEEN' on it and fanning himself sassily. "Stop being a stereotype for one fucking second and look," Pyramid Head snapped, "Someone's stealing your fucking wedding cake you dumb sluts!!" Raoul looked over to see Albert, a random dude with a massive nose, gay emo eyeliner and ear-bleeding vocals, making off with the entire wedding cake. "ALBERT STOP RIGHT THERE YOU LITTLE RAT!!!" Raoul yelled, sprinting after Albert. "No!! I need this for my pickpocket gay lover!!!" Albert yelled back, picking up his running pace. "FUCK YOUR PICKPOCKET BOYFRIEND!!!!" Raoul screamed. "Don't mention it!" Albert sneered fruitily, continuing to sprint off with the wedding cake. "False teeth." Gru snarted, and Albert exploded into a cloud of flies. Gru then skipped gleefully towards the cloud, dislocated his jaw, and devoured all the flies within five seconds, swallowing them all and saying, "Scrummy." Raoul picked up the decimated wedding cake that Albert had dropped on the floor when he turned into a swarm of flies and sobbed homosexually. "False teeth." Gru snuggeted again, and suddenly, all of the surroundings began to melt; the floor, the buildings, the chairs and tables, everything began to liquify as if it was made of wax. "GRU WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!!" Pyramid Head yelled, double-spin-heel-kicking Gonzo's corpse. "OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK?!!" Endie shrieked, watching in horror as the Eiffel tower melted, buckled and went crashing down into the Seine. Everyone at the wedding were now screaming in terror, running around and trying to escape the melting scenery only to find their attempts futile. "Gru, this isn't very cash money of you." Charlie grinned as he watched the entirety of Paris melt. Gru heenied his hundle into a face and squoggled, "Obese grandma." Then, with that, he vanished into thin air. "Paris s'effondre!!" Francoeur cried, grabbing Lucille, Raoul, Emile and Charles the monkey and leaping into the air, whisking them all to safety and vanishing into the horizon as he hopped away, FLEAing the scene. "COWARD!!! A CAPTAIN ALWAYS GOES DOWN WITH HIS FUCKING SHIP!!!!" Pyramid Head yelled after him. As Paris melted, the layers of reality falling away, it revealed a swirling void of colours that didn't exist. "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!" Endie hyperventilated, stumbling over to Charlie and grabbing onto him in his panic. Charlie picked up the hyperventilating enderman and grinned, "HOLD ONTO ME, IT'S GONNA BE A BUMPY RIDE!!"
"CHARLIE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!!!" Pyramid Head yelled, performing a Figure Four Leg Lock Final Cut Frog Splash wrestling move on Gonzo's corpse. "GRU!!!" Charlie yelled back, grabbing Pyramid Head and hoisting him into the air. "HEY, WHAT'RE YOU DOING?!!" Pyramid Head shouted indignantly. "YOU HAVE TO HANG ON TO ME, I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS A CHANCE OF SURVIVING THIS!!!" Charlie yelled, and Pyramid Head clung to Charlie and said, "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO?!!" Charlie grabbed Gonzo's corpse, threw it over his shoulder and yelled, "NO ONE GETS LEFT BEHIND!!!" Charlie, Pyramid Head and Endie yelled a terrified battlecry as the floor beneath their feet melted away, and Charlie braced himself knowing that whatever would happen next would be inevitable. Then, they all fell through the floor into the void of bright nonexistent colours, clinging to each other and screaming as they plummeted through unreality. Then the door to the pit opened and the tall enderman beckoned the charliemind gang through and said, "Come on, time's up. You should be sobering up now, follow me out the pit." Charlie, Pyramid Head, Endie, Gonzo and Gru were ALL back in the trip pit in The End Mall, but Quasimodo, Francoeur, and the endermen that had also been down there were nowhere to be seen. As the group of five stood up dizzily and stumbled out the door, blindly following the tall enderman like zombies, they all realised with a sense of equal parts horror and relief that they had never left the pit. Except Gru, of course, who knew all along and pranced out the pit quite happily. The tall enderman lead them through a corridor leading back to the main part of the mall, shoved them all out door and said, "Hope you enjoyed your trip, come back or don't, I don't care." Then, with that, he retreated back into the hallway and slammed the door, leaving the charliemind gang sitting in disorientated states in the middle of The End Mall. "So.... none of that was real? That was just a group hallucination or some shit?!" Pyramid Head shouted, stumbling to his feet. "It would appear so." Charlie grinned. "We were in a blank fucking pit that whole time?!" Pyramid Head yelled. "Chorus fizz is one hell of a drug, known for it's very realistic hallucinations," Endie croaked, adding, "God, my throat's so dry...." Gonzo was unusually very quiet, his upper lip tucked under itself revealing his teeth. "Let's just fix that," Charlie grinned, pulling Gonzo's lip back down and saying, "Perfect."
"Snart hound oohah hound ze snart." Gru chanted smurgekingly. "Has anyone else noticed the fact that the author has just started making up words to describe Gru's speech and actions?" Charlie asked. "What?" The enderman said flatly. "You get used to it." Pyramid Head muttered, walking over to a nearby Starbucks and saying, "Let's grab a drink, I'm more dehydrated than a beached whale in hell."
"Me too." The enderman said, following Pyramid Head. "Me three!" Charlie called, scuttling after them. "Uhhggghhhuh...." Gonzo agonied, stumbling dizzily after Charlie. Gru wordlessly forwards-rolled over before springing up and shoving his rotting, gnarled, deformed feet into the drinks of every customer in the starbucks. The starbucks was very quickly empty, and the charliemind gang lined up at the counter to purchase their drinks. "Sir, before I take your order, I want you to know that it's against policy for you to stick your feet in other customer's beverages." The enderman barista said exhaustedly to Gru. Gru smirked corruptingly and giggled, "Be thankful I don't have testicles."
"Could I get an iced frappuccino, 10 shot, venti, with breve, 5 pump vanilla, 7 pump caramel, 4 Splenda, extra cream and cinnamon, poured, not shaken." Charlie said with a smile. "Are you trying to give me a fucking haemorrhage?" The enderman barista asked bluntly. "Thanks darling, I know you'll manage!" Charlie grinned, retching up a ten dollar bill, slamming it onto the counter and saying with a wink, "Keep the change."
"I want a black coffee, don't fuck it up." Pyramid Head hissed, grabbing Gonzo, rummaging around in his pockets, pulling out his wallet and handing it to the barista. "Could I get a chorus fruit frappuccino?" Endie asked. "Sure." The enderman barista mumbled, punching his order into the electronic cash register. "Freaks like me drink tea." Gonzo grinned. "Whatever." The enderman barista sighed, typing up the order for a cup of tea. "One cup of boiling water." Gru smirked flirtatiously, and the enderman barista blinked, shrugged, said, "....ok," and went off to prepare their drinks. All tables were empty thanks to Gru except one, which a teenage couple were sitting at. Pyramid Head went up to that one, yelled, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKING DELINQUENTS," and laughed uproariously as the two teens jumped up with terrified expressions and fled out of the starbucks. "Why did you do that? All the other tables were empty." Endie queried as Pyramid head sat at the table the teens had been at. "Malice." Pyramid Head replied gleefully. "So, where are we going next?" Charlie asked with a grin, sitting down and drumming on the table with a plastic fork. "SWAMP CAMPING!!!" Gonzo yelled. "Calm down you fucking boons, we've not even got our fucking drinks yet!!" Pyramid Head snapped. Soon enough, the barista enderman approached the table with a tray containing the group of five's orders. "Gimme that fucking coffee!!!" Pyramid Head howled, snatching his coffee off the tray and pouring it into the hole in his pyramid. "Thanks for my iced frappuccino, 10 shot, venti, with breve, 5 pump vanilla, 7 pump caramel, 4 Splenda, extra cream and cinnamon poured, not shaken!" Charlie grinned, taking his extravagant drink from the tray as the barista placed it down on the table and said, "Enjoy your overpriced white girl slops." Gru's twisted, clawing hand shot out and grasped his cup of boiling water, which he promptly poured into his ear, smirking like a lobotomised mental patient the whole time. Endie grabbed his chorus fruit frappuccino and chugged it, desperate for a drink after the chorus fizz made him more dehydrated than a very thirsty turtle in the middle of a desert. Then, suddenly he clutched his head and hissed, "Brain freeze!!"
"I have ze opposite of ze brain freeze." Gru gulted, steam trailing from his ears, mouth and nostrils. Gonzo picked up his tea and sipped it daintily. Charlie had somehow already finished his frappuccino and was licking the remaining cream out the bottom of the cup with his inhumanly long tongue. "My tea is positively scorching!" Gonzo exclaimed in a posh british accent, and the others turned to see that Gonzo had chugged the entirety of the scolding tea and was now coughing up blood. "Fucking idiot." Pyramid Head muttered. "Walk into a party, feeling out of place, 'cause you're so fucking cool." Gonzo managed to choke out between retches, coughing blood all over the table. "Gonzo for fucks sake, get a fucking grip!!" Pyramid Head yelled. Just then, Francoeur crashed through the ceiling in a cloud of purpur block plaster and plummeted down onto the table, completely destroying it and sending everyone's drinks flying. "FLEA CIRCUS?!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!!!" Pyramid Head yelled, jumping up to avoid being covered in the remnants of Endie's chorus fruit frappuccino. "I thought we'd hallucinated you!" Endie shouted as Francoeur sat up dizzily in the rubble of the table. "Rancid pumpkin mask." Gru snarted. "Were you guys part of my hallucination where Paris melted? That tall black créature with purple eyes took me out of the pit before you." Francoeur explained. "Yes, yes we were." Pyramid Head replied flatly. "Ah, that must've been why you hopped away at one point! Because that was the way our warped minds saw you leave the pit!" Charlie said with a grin. "Paris melting. What a nightmare." Francoeur whispered, looking hollow-eyed as he slouched onto the couch beside Gonzo. "More like what a fucking dream." Pyramid Head muttered. "Do you have something against french people?" Francoeur asked curiously. "No, I have something against people. Brits, Australians, the french, no one's getting away from me without a few lines of abuse seared into their frontal lobes." Pyramid Head replied bluntly. Gonzo stood suddenly, performed a perfect drag queen dance routine to 'So What' by Pink that was playing over the shitty starbucks radio, projectile vomited and finally did a drag death drop onto the floor. "Um yes queen skinny legend versace boots the house down slay queen hunty mama and oop daddy work charli xcx snatch my wig!!" Charlie exclaimed with a grin. "Oh mon Dieu, je suis aussi fou que ma mère." Francoeur whispered. "Shut the fuck up with that French bullshit, we know you can speak english now. Flea's out of the fucking bag." Pyramid Head snapped. "I'm going to have to ask you all to leave for destruction of company property, abuse of other customers and vomiting on the premises." The barista enderman said, walking over. "Fuck you, we were leaving this shithole anyway." Pyramid Head muttered, standing up. Everyone else had finished their drinks, except Francoeur who never had one in the first place, and followed Pyramid Head as he shoved the barista out the way and stormed out the starbucks. "My iced frappuccino, 10 shot, venti, with breve, 5 pump vanilla, 7 pump caramel, 4 Splenda, extra cream and cinnamon poured, not shaken was 1 pump of caramel short and shaken, as I specifically requested it not to be." Charlie said with a taut smile, crushing his empty cup into dust in one hand and blowing a kiss at the enderman barista with the cup dust, covering the barista in tiny fragments of plastic before Charlie turned and strolled out the starbucks after the others. The enderman barista collapsed to the floor and sobbed violently.