The Aftermath of Callie and Arizona

How Did I Get Here...

Arizona's POV:

It's 10:57 pm, I should be asleep, but I can't sleep even if I tried tonight... I've been an experienced Insomniac my entire life and I've never been able to soothe myself to sleep. I've tried everything, Melatonin, Trazodone, white wine, Ambien, but nothing seems to help. I'm hopeless, but regardless, I work tomorrow.  Ahhh, the joys of being a hospital surgeon/physician, sigh....

Despite what phase I've been in during my entirety, I always seem to hit a wall in regard to sleep after a couple weeks without being able to slumber. Guess it's a good thing I'm a surgeon/educator at a teaching hospital given my affliction for not getting rest. It gives me the ability to keep teaching and doctoring in the latest or the earliest hours of the day, even when I don't think I have the resources or reserves within myself to do so.

My problems with sleeping first started when I was young. I've always had a drive and a competitive ambition to be the best I could be at whatever I did. School, sports, taking my medical boards, my career, etc...  I guess it's a flaw and an asset at the same time. At least that's what I continue to tell myself. 

Nonetheless, I cannot re-account the number of nights I've laid awake... counting ceiling tiles or trying to find plaster paths in my bedroom ceiling when I can't turn my mind off... The plane crash however, added gasoline to the fire of insomnia I've already dealt with during my lifetime.

It's been 9 months since I gave up custody of Sophia to Callie, whom, moved to New York to be with her new girl friend, Penny. As I lay awake tonight, I can't stop thinking about my little girl, Sophia. She looks so much like Callie, her almond-shaped eyes, her adorable jet black, thick, curls and her gorgeous olive complexion.  When I gave up having Sophia with me, well, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I miss Sophia's early morning kisses, snuggles and snoring. Yep, that girl snores exactly like Callie when she's zonked out and it makes me smile every time.  Although, thank goodness Soph's snores won't wake you up in the middle of the night like Callie's snoring.  

It's odd how a memory of your daughter can simultaneously make you miss your ex-wife as well. It used to drive me nuts when Callie would snore. On nights I can't sleep though, I'm reminded of how Callie's snoring became white noise during our relationship. It gave me something else to focus on other than the thoughts in my head.

Sophia has taken on some of my personality traits before she moved to New York. She has my enthusiasm and spunk, despite the fact she looks so much like Callie. Sophia also has my sense of humor that comes out more and more the older she gets. I'm also beyond proud, she's starting to display her intelligence that comes from both her Mom and Mama.

As I lay awake though, I start to relive everything I've done good and bad over the years. I never thought I'd be someone that cheated, but I did. I thought I knew why I did what I did, but I really don't know why I did it. I lost my way after my amputation and after the plane crash. I loved Callie so much, but in the process of losing my left leg, I lost myself. I lost my ability to know what love is. I lost my ability to reason. I just flat-out lost myself in the worst way possible.

I had so many days I should have said something to Callie about my Depression after the plane crash. I didn't and should have. I just didn't want to be any more vulnerable to her than I already was at that point. Callie literally had to pick me up most days and help me navigate our apartment after the amputation. My confidence and bravado as a surgeon, doctor and human being, was taken down to it's core after losing my leg.  It's no wonder I didn't say anything to Callie as I was looking back, I couldn't even admit my despondency to myself.

As I continue lay awake though, all I can think about is my daughter and how much I tremendously miss her. I'm also disappointed in myself for wondering what Callie might be doing/feeling at this exact same moment. 

It's now 8 am in New York...

That's the exact time my pager went off and I got summed in for a trauma...  sigh. There goes the 2 hours of sleep I might have gotten after this miserable night of no sleep and contemplation...