The Aftermath of Callie and Arizona

Withering Expectations

Arizona's POV:

I was the first one home the night my patient, Kyle, died on the operating table. I was so tired, I didn't bother to turn on any lights and just headed to my bedroom to change after setting down my things.

I felt mentally and physically exhausted after the long stretch of weeks I had as a surgeon and the chief of my department. Couple that with my pregnancy fatigue and hormonal fluctuations and I felt like a shell of the human being I usually am. Any joy, or spark of happiness I normally had, felt like it had been sucked right out of me.

The last four weeks at work had been stressful within my department in Pediatric surgery. Not one, but two attending doctors had given their resignations. One doctor had been poached by another hospital in the Seattle area, and the other doctor was moving on account of their spouse's job relocating. It was a beyond tough blow to say the least and had required me and everyone else in the department to pick-up extra shifts. So, that was one component of my current state. We had already started a massive search to find other doctors, but that process always takes time.

My children's clinic for kiddos from low income families, had started floundering during the last two months as well. The main donor and benefactor, had pulled his funding, claiming he wasn't getting enough recognition for his, "gift," of money and decided to take his donation elsewhere. Seems the donor wanted more notoriety than having the clinic named in his behalf and was looking for more "advertising," from the money. I was flabbergasted when I learned the news and was stunned at what a conceited, self-centered, businessman he turned out to be. 

Needless to say, the money was quickly running out and my back was up against the wall. I currently had surgeries still lined up, but was running out of ways to pay for many of them when all was said and done. The stress was starting to weigh on me as to how I was going to tell these families and children they wouldn't get their much needed surgeries, if I didn't find a way to come up with more money. Problem was, despite my tireless efforts and working weekends, I kept running into dead ends every time I thought I had found a source of money.

The final layer on my layered stress-cake, was the multiple losses I had sustained with patients over the course of the last six weeks. Some had been in surgery, but a lot of them as a result of their co-morbidities from various causes before I could get them to an OR. Some had been due to trauma, cancer, firearm violence (there was a school shooting in the city 3 weeks ago) one from poisoning and a lot of pre-term birth complications.

And that was the icing on the cake for me, that last diagnosis, pre-term complications. I couldn't stop thinking about my own baby and what might or could happen. I was currently 5 months along and getting close to my due date with each passing day. Even though I knew statistics and the odds of things occurring during pregnancy, that knowledge almost made it worse. I also knew I had been under a great deal of stress and had been working harder than ever the last eight weeks. Given my age, my miscarriage history and my anemia, I was at risk for a lot. I didn't say anything to Callie about my growing concerns, but it was starting to weigh heavily on me with everything else I was trying to juggle.

Collectively taking all this into account, plus, just trying to live my day-to-day life, was taking its toll on me. I think that night, I had finally reached a breaking point and just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. So, I quickly changed into some yoga pants and a slightly oversized cable knit sweater, and headed to the treehouse for some quiet reflection time.

Now, I know since it was planned and built, I've flaunted that the treehouse was a gift for Sophia. Truth of the matter, it was probably more for me, than it was for my daughter. When Callie and I were divorced, I knew the majority of the year, that Callie would have Sophia, so I was fully aware I would be using the elevated house more than Sophia would be.