The Sinner

19

Hi besties. I think you guys are going to like this one :)

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There are a lot of acts of intimacy in a relationship.

Of course, there's physical touching. A person would show another person their attraction for you by touching, kissing, cuddling, hugging.

But on the other hand - there's also words. You can tell a person that you care for them. Making sure they eat, checking in on their mental health, being there for them when they need you.

And then eventually these actions could lead you to the possibility of love.

Love is difficult though.

People can say they love you but don't actually mean it. My father says he loves me, but yet he spends most of his time with his girlfriend elsewhere. I thought my mother loved me, but she left, many years ago. I thought Tanner loved me, but he abused me for almost a year.

My point is, maybe we do all of this to end up alone. The only version of love I've ever experienced from someone else is Sarah, the only real friend I've ever had. And even she's slowly drifting from my grip - for whatever the reason is.

But yet here I am, lying awake - staring at my bedroom ceiling. Next to a boy I'm starting to develop feelings for. What's the point of this? I can't help but think of his reputation around here. He's notorious for hurting girls like it's some stupid routine.

Is he going to hurt me in the end? Am I going to go through this just to end up alone?

But yet I choose to ignore all of his red flags, clearly, because I ignored the fact that he had another girl over just the other night. And I ignore that he has a drug problem. I ignored that his dad called him a liar, and a thief - and I welcomed him into my home anyway.

I hate that he can make me do certain things without asking. I hate the way that his smile grows when he see's me. And most importantly I hate the way I feel when he calls me angel. My mood improves when he calls me that, like that's my own damn drug.

I feel better about myself when he calls me pretty. I feel happy when we spend time together. I feel good when he has his arms wrapped around me, pulling me in to make sure I stay close to him.

Just like he is right now.

I need to fucking get up. I'm sitting here overthinking about things that don't matter, just as I do every morning. I sigh, glancing over at the alarm clock that maintains its permanent place on my nightstand. It read just after 10 am.

I attempt to slip out of Rafe's grip, feeling cold once I do so. I hear him groan into the pillow, moving his arms underneath it seconds later. Please don't do that.

"No," I hear him whine. I sit up, with my back to him as I'm facing the wall. "Come back."

"I need to get up," I tell him. "I've been up for a while."

"I don't care," He groans. I feel his warm hand grab my wrist, giving me a light pull back towards him. "Angel, please stay."

Fuck. How does he know that calling me that is my weakness?

I sigh, giving in, before swinging my legs back onto my bed. I see him turn his lips up as he feels the bed shift, knowing that I'm giving him what he wanted. He drapes his arm over me lazily, pulling me back so I was against his chest.

"Do you have plans today or something?" He asks, resting his chin against my shoulder. His voice was low and raspy, this was the first sentence he's put together this morning.