The Sinner

56

A/N: I know healing requires a long time for gun shot wounds. We're going to act like two weeks is normal thanks besties :) 

play the song. pls. it adds to the feelings.  
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It's best to say you've never hit rock bottom.

Because the more you say it, the worst things could get. And that's the last thing I need right now, for things to get worse.

I got shot, dumped, and left in this bed to heal alone.

I'd forgotten how lonely it is when Rafe isn't here. I've spent every single day with him, so when I said I relied on him, I meant it. I really meant it. And it's not because I need him to be happy; I can be happy on my own. But it was because he kept the best company.

He was always able to make me laugh or cheer me up whether I was upset about my father or even Sarah at the moment. I grew used to his presence, and now I'm here alone. 

Despite his imperfections, and there were enough of them, he showed me things I'd never seen before. He changed my perspective on relationships and the significance of giving people a second chance.

But at the same time, he was a terrible person. He lashed out often, twisted my words, manipulated me at times, and even killed someone.

All of those things seem so awful now that I've been forced to take a step back. I mean, I knew they were bad before, but things become so much clearer once you're outside of the circle.

I loved him, I still obviously do. Whatever happens between us, whether we stay apart or not, I'll always remember him and how he treated me.

Some days, he made me feel like I was the only person on the planet. Despite his bad reputation, he never looked at another girl. Most of the time, he treated me well. But he's right; I do deserve someone who will always treat me well.

My mind has been going back and forth like this. I consider the positives, then get upset because I miss him. Then I consider the downsides, and I realize he was justified in ending things.

Who knows how he'd react if things worsened more. What if he lost control and actually hurt me? What if he cheated? What if he turned into someone I didn't recognize at all?

But now, all I know is that he's just a memory. I watch from a distance as he slowly and painfully drifts away. 

Okay, I'll stop now. I've been sitting in this bed overthinking for two days. I'm going to drive myself insane if I keep doing this. I can't think about what ifs since I trusted Rafe not to hurt me in the first place. He'd never do anything like that.

But apparently, that's not my problem anymore.

I'm not going to lie, the first day was a disaster. I couldn't stop crying; you'd think I'd run out of tears, but no. They simply kept coming and spilling out of me like I was Niagara Falls. I'm not sure I've ever wept that much in my life.

I've spent the last two days eating mediocre hospital food, watching tv, and waiting for Maggie to return. She's been the one who's been able to help me get through this.

Wednesday comes and goes. And it feels like a re-enactment of the previous day. I cry, eat mediocre food, and wait for Maggie to come back again. And she spends the night when she does.

Thursday and Friday pass as well. I start to question whether he might text me, but I haven't heard anything. The days are beginning to blur together. And I'm still feeling more lonely than ever. At this moment, all I want to do is go home.

The next week comes, and I am moved out of ICU. Things are going well, at least physically.

It's been two weeks. It's been two weeks since I spoke with Rafe, and the incident occurred. I haven't heard from him in a long time, which isn't surprising. But they're releasing me today. I'm obviously not completely healthy, so I'll have to take things slowly. But I'm going home, and I can't wait. My stitches are being removed today, and then they're sending me on my way.