The Sinner

40

I've learned that love makes you blind.

My entire life, I've had a strange concept of love. My parents split when I was young, and from what I understand, my mother fled, and I haven't heard from her since. I don't recall them arguing, and I don't remember anything big happening as a child.

One day she was there, the next she was gone.

That's not my point; my point is that my father has always had women come and go. And as a kid, he rarely gave me any affection, and as a result, my concept of love is confusing.

Although with Tanner's attention, good or bad, I assumed was due to love. That's not true, as I've discovered. Now that I'm with Rafe, I realize how strange love can truly be. I know Rafe has flaws, but I still love him and can't get over the fact that he did what he did.

It's like my brain doesn't want to think or talk about it. I've been pretending as if it hasn't happened, basically I see it as, if I don't think about it - it never happened.

But it did. And Sheriff Peterkin is dead because of him.

There's a lot of times that I haven't exactly had the time to process my trauma. So that's what I'm used to, something bad happens, I push it to the back of my head and I refuse to be fixed.

Although this time, I feel like it's different. I'm starting to acknowledge the fact that Rafe did something wrong, and something inside of me is screaming to do something about it.

But there's another part of me, that's telling me not to do anything. Maybe that's secretly a guardian angel telling me that if I don't involve myself, I won't get in trouble. Who knows really, I don't know what to believe at this point.

I haven't seen Rafe in a week now. Ever since the whole police matter happened, I've been afraid. Afraid to be involved with them, afraid to voice my opinion about the situation, and worst of all afraid of him.

After that night, we didn't exactly get into a fight. He did, however, yell at me when I voiced my concern with what John B had stated. He told me that I was overreacting and that my anxiety was going to get us in trouble. He completely ignored my feelings and told me I was overreacting.

But how can someone be dramatic over a murder?

Obviously, I'm a little freaked out by the entire thing, as anyone would be. I honestly don't know what to believe anymore; that family is clearly hiding things. Ward is not the guy I thought he was, and this makes me uneasy.

It makes me nervous because what if I discover that Rafe isn't who he claims to be? He always says he'd never hurt me, but what if he does? He murdered someone, whether by accident or on purpose, he took someone's life.

And the most chilling part? He's acting as if nothing happened. He's going about his everyday life like he did nothing wrong. Maybe he's in denial too, maybe there's not something wrong with him - maybe he's just fighting with his head just like I am.

"You okay there?" A voice says, I blink out of my gaze to see the bartender staring at me from behind the counter.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I say, a forced smile forming as I look at the empty glass in front of me.

"Do you want another drink?" He offers, leaning against the bar.

"I think I'm fine for now," I say. "Thanks." He nods before walking off, attending to the other customers that were waiting.

Today was scorching, the type of heat that makes you feel sticky and gross. The air was heavy, and the sun's rays didn't make it any more pleasant. But that's how it is every year at the end of August on the Outer Banks, despite the end of summer weather it'll always be my home.