The Sinner

107

I stare ahead at the white cabinets like they were the most interesting thing in the world.

My life for the past couple of days has been, well, colorless, dull, lifeless, boring. There's nothing exciting about it and I couldn't figure out why.

Or at least I was pretending to not know why. I think I very much know exactly why my life has been feeling boring lately.

And it's because of Rafe.

Well, it's because I saw him again.

And it felt like I was literally on fire.  Something lit up again inside of me that I never realized went out. Not until locking eyes with him again did I realize that something dimmed. But I don't know what. And I'm telling the truth, this time, about that.

Life with Rafe was exciting. It was unpredictable. It was unhealthy. And for some strange fucking reason, that sounds a hell of a lot better than what I'm in right now.

Am I really that fucked up? That I'd prefer an unhealthy relationship to the one I'm currently in? A healthy one?

"Honey," A hand rests on my shoulder, breaking me out of my long thoughts. "Are you okay? I've been talking to you for the past five minutes."

"I'm okay sorry," I tell Maggie. Her look of concern was telling me she wasn't going to let this one go. "I'm just tired."

"I know you very well my love, something's wrong."

I push my lips out as I debate whether or not telling her that I saw Rafe. I don't think that would be a good idea. I'd just get scolded, or a lecture, or something worse than either of those two and I'm not in the mood for any of that.

"You're worried about your father?"

Yes. We'll go with that.

I nod, "A little."

"He'll be okay sweetheart. I was worried at first too, but the doctors reassured me that he'll be okay. It's a couple bumps and bruises but he'll heal."

"I know."

"Why don't we go get our nails done to get our minds off of it. My treat."

"I can pay for it my—"

"—Corrine," She stops me. "I'm not giving you shit like your father. I'm doing what a good mother should do for her daughter. Let me treat you."

I slowly give in with a nod, "Okay."

"Good, thank you for not being difficult. Now let me grab my bag and we can go."

I nod again, following her out the door like a lost puppy. Maggie really is the mother I never had, and we've grown very close over the past couple of years since she got married to my dad. There's not a day she doesn't call me and we talk on the phone. Even if it's for two minutes she'll call to check in on me.

"You're quiet," She notes once we get into her car. "Are you still upset about your father? Or is something else going on?"

I glance over at her, the way her overgrown manicured hands were gripping the steering wheel. I wanted to talk about Rafe with her, but I didn't know how. I didn't want to be judged. But would she judge?

"Corrine, honey, what is it?"

I swallow hard, trying to avoid the words that were falling out of my mouth right now. But they slipped out like vomit, "I saw Rafe."

"What?"

"I saw him, at the hospital the other day," I explain quietly.

"H-how?"

I bit my lip nervously, "I don't know how I did it. But after I read those papers I knew where he was being held. I subconsciously went up to the floor he was being held on and saw him."

"Corrine," She sighs.

"I couldn't help it," I try to cover myself. "I was just, curious, I don't know. I haven't seen him in like five years I was just wondering what he was doing."

"Digging himself into a hole that's eventually going to kill him one day, that's what he's doing."

That was a bit harsh.

But was she wrong?

"Drugs, murder charges, homeless at one point, his father was dead and then came back to life. That boy needs to get help desperately. And yes he's finally doing it. But that doesn't mean he's suddenly good news. Don't let him drag you down with him, you're finally getting to a point where you're good Corrine."

"I'm not going to," I tell her. "I don't know why I went okay? Before I realized it I was just there, inside the psych ward. I was literally about to leave when I realized what I was doing and he called out my name."

I glance over at her for some sort of reassurance she understood what it was like to do what I did. But it never came.

"I told him it was a mistake and I'd never see him again."

"Good," she says, "You made the right decision by saying that."

She didn't help ease my mind like I thought she was going to. I should give Ryan a call later, and fill her in on what I did. She'd have a laugh at that.

"I don't want it to sound like I'm being harsh, Corrine," Maggie explains to me. "But you're doing so well. And just think how much work it took to get over him. You don't wanna take three steps back."

"I wasn't planning on it," I tell her. "I have a boyfriend, remember?"

"I'm well aware. I'm just making sure you remember." She pulls into the parking lot of the nail salon we used to go to and parks the car. "A very sweet, caring, and loving boyfriend at that. You won't find  a lot of boys like Palmer in your life."

I let out a sigh, "I know Maggie."

"Good. Now let's go in before the rush comes in."

It's funny because I finally felt happy when Tanner asked me to be his girlfriend. We were from the same town, went to the same college, even ended up working in the same place. Everything felt like it made sense being with him.

But ever since I ran to Rafe, I haven't thought about him once.

God what am I doing?

Maggie's right. If I let him, Rafe will yank me so far down under water with him.

Maybe so much that I wouldn't be able to breathe anymore.

But do I want to, is the real question?

//

hi hi hi !
love you guys SO much

meg