Heart Pangs

Chapter 50 - Change of Plans

Benji is.... tired.

He is tired of always being afraid. He feels as though every second of every day he's afraid. He's afraid of Epomis and whatever they plan to do next. He's afraid for Camille and of always wondering if she'll be okay. He's somehow both afraid of Felix and afraid for Felix. His fear of Felix makes sense to him, although strangely he finds he still trusts him, but his fear for Felix feels unnecessary. He's Lux Feuerbach, of course he can take care of himself. Even though Felix has the entirety of the Facility after him. Even though Felix is lost in his world of addiction with slim hopes of ever coming back. Of course he can take care of himself.

Benji is also tired of being alone. He'd been alone when Brandon had first called him, back before all this happened. He'd lived in an apartment by himself, drove to work by himself, and barely went out with any friends. He'd been alone when Camille had been taken, a terrible empty aloneness that felt like it would eat him up from the inside out. And he'd been alone that night when Felix had left him, sopping wet in the shed, and disappeared into the darkness. Now he is alone again.

But out of everything, Benji is the most tired of being on the run. It's exhausting, and there are never any rests. He wants to go home. He wants to see Camille again. He wants to visit Brandon and Sarah and baby Isadora. He wants to be there when Stephanie comes home for summer break. But instead he can't stop moving. He must stay safe so he can do all those things in time. But he's not completely safe, not like this.

Felix is right. They can't keep flitting about so close to home. They need to get in the car and drive and drive and drive until they're hours away from home, until Epomis (and the Facility) have to do some real searching to find them. Who knows? If they drive far enough out of range, maybe Benji can relax a little bit. Maybe they can stay in one place for more than a night or two.

But unfortunately, that is another thing. Benji has to stop thinking of everything as happening with the two of them. Felix has grown into more and more of a danger. He doesn't think he's quite reached the level of danger where Benji might be snapped up at any moment without warning, but Benji sees how stiffly Felix sits when they're in the car together. He notices how careful Felix's movements are when they're loading and unloading the car each day. And after that night... two nights ago.... Benji can still feel the force of Felix's lips on his own. He can still feel how overwhelming and inescapable his assault had been. Felix's abstinence from prey is beginning to wear on him, that much is clear. Camille had been right. They shouldn't be traveling together. At least, not anymore.

Right now, Benji lays alone in bed, in the dark, staring at the ceiling. At least, he thinks, there's one benefit of sleeping in a separate room from Felix. He gets his own bed. Yet, as he stretches out in the enormous pred-sized bed, he doesn't really find it any more comfortable than the floor. In fact, he almost prefers the floor. This bed just makes him feel small... more alone.

Benji had fallen asleep earlier, but it had been a restless sleep. He had awoken suddenly, feeling his insides twisting with worry about what he and Felix were going to do and if leaving Camille behind will be worth it. They had barely spoken, but Benji knows they need to figure things out. His heart races with each moment he spends dwelling on it. Every time he begins drifting off again, he wakes once more with a start.

Finally Benji can take it no more and he begins pacing about the room. His mind works furiously. He'll have to bring this up to Felix in the morning when they see each other again. But how? How does he broach that subject? How long would it it take to discuss? Felix usually comes to Benji with a plan in mind each morning. Would he be amenable to changing that plan on such short notice? Would they even be able to enact said plan on a short notice? If they end up deciding to go their separate ways, Felix doesn't even have his own car....