Heart Pangs

Chapter 44 - Wolf at the Door

The days drag on and Lux feels his cravings grow stronger and stronger. When he wakes in the morning, his hunger claws at him until he feels like he'll split in two. When he stands from bed, he sways on his feet. It's like he's on the brink of starvation even though he ate only hours ago. Every moment he lives for his next meal, he lives for just the slightest of relief to the throbbing ache deep in his core. But each bite of food never quite has the relief he hopes it will. Each swallow is underwhelming and he can never truly reach the fullness he longs for.

He knows the reason why. He knows why, even though he eats and eats as much as he can get, he is never satisfied. The food he consumes isn't what he truly desires. What he truly desires sits in a tiny car with him every day. What he truly desires watches him eat with wary eyes at every meal. What he truly desires sleeps curled in the corner of the same room as him, small and vulnerable, every night.

Sometimes Lux feels lulled by Benji's scent. It washes over him and feels like a promise. It feels like a close end to these seemingly endless days of agony. When Benji isn't looking, Lux lets his eyes fall shut, lets himself lean a little closer, just to let his imagination take over for one brief, shining second. This is the extent of what Lux allows himself to do. He can go no further. He has control.

Control. It's something he has to remind himself of every second of every day, and it's not just controlling the ever pressing urge to grab Benji and swallow him down, kicking and screaming. It's controlling every movement, every expression he makes. It's controlling the tone of his voice whenever he speaks. It's about making sure Benji has no idea how near Lux balances on the edge at any given moment. It's about making sure Benji feels safe and unafraid. It is, frankly, exhausting.

Benji knows, Lux is sure. Despite all the efforts he makes in hiding it, Lux is certain Benji knows what's really going. He isn't stupid. Not only that, but Benji has gone through all this before. Or some iteration of it. He's experienced Lux on edge, and he's either oblivious (which Lux highly doubts) or he's equally good at hiding his true feelings. Every day Benji gives Lux a small smile and asks how he slept. Every day Benji doesn't hold back when he argues that they can't risk being any further from Camille. He treats Lux just the same as he always has.

And there's a part of Lux that thinks this is what got him in trouble last time, the hiding. It had been the shame at how he felt that led him to cover up his true feelings, his cravings. His lack of communication had led to an incident that could very well have ended Benji's life. But despite all that, Lux still feels the same shame, the same compulsion to make everything seem as ordinary as possible. He just wants their time together to go as smoothly as possible. He doesn't want Benji to look at him with fear in his eyes even now, even after all Lux has done. He just wants things to be normal.

They reach nearly a week on the run. Lux eats as much as he can afford with the limited money they have. He eats as much as he feels comfortable eating in front of Benji. The neutralizers help. He doesn't take so many that it stops his stomach from functioning completely, though often he wishes he could. He's quite sure that would make him sick. However, if he takes a small amount before eating, they slow down his stomach just enough that he can almost enjoy feeling full for a few fleeting minutes.

The most difficult part is that he doesn't let Benji see him taking the pills. He's afraid that will make it look like he has less control. The second most difficult part is that Lux's supply is nearly depleted. It's been almost a week and the brand new bottle Lenora gave him is running on empty. He isn't sure when exactly he'll be able to get a new one. So far, the only errand they'd allowed themselves to make, outside of getting food, had been Benji buying himself a burner phone. He had claimed he needed a way for Camille to contact him that Epomis couldn't use against her.