Heart Pangs

Chapter 8 - Instinct

Thankfully, Felix makes it. Junior year of high school starts and he has plenty of excuses not to see Benji. In fact, he makes it all the way to winter break with only seeing him twice. Both times, Felix keeps himself in check. Actually, he's sure it was easier this time to be around Benji. Maybe his urges have gone away or, at least, he's gotten them under control.

Throughout spring semester, Felix sees Benji three times. He even sees Camille once. He's nervous at first, but truly he feels okay around her. For one night, it feels like old times.

He's excited by the time summer comes again. He doesn't feel gangly and awkward anymore. He doesn't feel tired and hungry all the time. He hasn't experienced any unexpected urges in months. He vows to make up for lost time with Benji. It is, after all, their last summer before they graduate. Once they make it through senior year and go off to college, who knows when they'll ever really see each other again.

Felix is practically giddy to start hanging out again. He's seventeen now, he has his license, and sometimes his parents let him borrow one of their cars. He rolls into Benji's neighborhood and they're off. They go to the mall one week and downtown the next. Another week they just walk around the neighborhood. The playground is barely used now. Most kids in the neighborhood have grown up and moved on.

Everything is going fine. They're chilling and joking around. Felix tells a story about one of his friends from school tripping over his own feet and falling flat on his face in front of the girl he likes. Benji throws back his head and laughs. Something about the sudden movement, the sound of his laugh, the way his chin tilts back, how his eyes are shut and he's unguarded, makes Felix's stomach do a flip. He's hit with a wave of feelings he thought he'd gotten over.

He swallows down the feeling before it can overwhelm him. He can't think about that. Not now, not after doing so well for so long. But once the thought is in his head, once that urge has been reawakened in him, he can't put it back. He spends the rest of his time with Benji, shoving aside fantasies he's ashamed he even considers.

Felix says goodnight to Benji and doesn't let himself breathe until he's back home, far away from his friend. He leans his back into the tightly closed front door and rubs his fingers into his temples. He doesn't know what to do, but he knows he needs to keep everything locked in tight or something might slip out.

Luckily, he's able to put off seeing Benji for nearly two weeks. By that point, the intensity of Felix's feelings have died down. He's relieved that he can talk and be near Benji again without worrying he's going to snatch him up, but there's always that thought, that urge at the back of his mind, nagging at him.

Felix hopes it will go away, but every time he sees Benji, it seems to grow stronger, more pressing. When Felix is alone, he finds himself wondering what it would be like to feel his friend slipping down his throat and filling out his stomach. He starts eating a lot again, especially before seeing Benji, trying to tame his sudden hunger. Then the dreams start, first irregularly and then developing into almost a nightly occurrence. Sometimes they feel so real, Felix wakes up, bolt upright in bed, thinking he really did consume Benji.

When they're actually together, the nagging thought at the back of his mind slowly morphs into an overwhelming instinct that Felix devotes more and more energy into suppressing. It worries him. Why is this happening to him? Is this normal? Do most preds fixate on specific prey like this? If so, why has no one ever told him how strong these urges would be?

He wants to talk about it with someone, ask all the questions buzzing in his mind, but who? Benji is off the table, of course. He can never know all the things Felix has been feeling. Felix's mother doesn't quite seem like the right choice. It's his father that Felix knows is the one to ask. And he almost does it too. There are several times where the questions almost slip from Felix's tongue in front of his father. But he holds back. He's too afraid to find out what his father might have to say about the matter. Felix is sure it won't be something he likes.

So Felix keeps shoving the feelings back down, keeps pretending like nothing is wrong when Benji is around. He thinks he does a good job of it too. Benji never notices anything off, never questions if Felix is okay. Felix pulls up in front Benji's house, rolls down the window, and grins as Benji runs out.

"You ready?" Felix asks.

"Yeah, let's get out of here," Benji says as he tears open the passenger door and throws himself into the seat.

The doors locks automatically as Felix speeds up. The sound gives him some small satisfaction and he glances over at Benji.

"What?" Benji asks, noticing the bemused look on Felix's face.

Felix shrugs and turns back to the road. "Nothing. You just look so small in that seat."

Benji lets out a humorless laugh. "That would be because this is a pred car and I am a prey."

A small smile flickers across Felix's lips. "Oh, I know you are, Benji."

Their time together is the same as usual. Benji gripes about his search for colleges and how Camille will finally be joining him in high school. Felix smiles and laughs at all the right places. Each time he's double or triple checking himself that he doesn't slip up and grab Benji.

He's doing so well too. He's spent all summer perfecting his self control and cool composure. He let's himself relax as they walk back to the car. He's made it another day without breaking. Benji's safe.

In his relief, Felix allows himself to relax. He gives Benji a light punch in the shoulder for making yet another tall person joke. Benji asks Felix how the weather is up there at least once a week now and the joke has gotten old quickly. Even though the punch is light, Benji still stumbles a bit from the force.

Felix's throat unexpectedly tightens to witness the moment of weakness.

Benji recovers and swings a fist in retaliation, but Felix's hand flies up of its own accord and snatches Benji's wrist mid-swing. With a quick flick, Felix pulls Benji in close, raising the captured hand so high above Benji's head he's forced up on his toes.

Benji's face drops. "What are you doing?" he asks, the words coming out in a rush.

Felix blinks and realizes what he's just done. His stomach is rolling. His fingers feels stiff as he forces them open and releases Benji.

"Sorry," he mutters, "I didn't mean to do that."

Benji is gazing at him with wide eyes. Felix turns away. He doesn't like the look that Benji is giving him. It's too close to one of fear, and it's the last thing Felix wants to see in his friend.

"Let's just get you home, okay?" Felix says before Benji can speak again. Then he heads off for the car, taking strides far too long for Benji to keep up. For once, Felix doesn't slow down.

The whole ride back, Felix feels like he's holding his breath. His mind is reeling. He hopes Benji doesn't notice the sweat beading on his forehead. Felix is too afraid to check. He's too afraid to look at Benji again. He fears he won't be able to hold back if he looks directly at him.

They come to a stop in front of the Marotta household, and Benji hops out of the car.

"Are you okay, Felix?" he asks, just before slamming the door shut.

Felix forces himself to look over and plaster a friendly grin on his face. "Yeah," he says. His smile falters for a moment. "Just tired. I'll see you soon, okay?"

Benji's eyes roam over him with concern but he doesn't press the question. "Yeah, okay. See you later, Felix." The car door slams shut.

It takes all of Felix's strength not to get out of the car and grab Benji before he can get safely inside. The urge has never before been so completely overwhelming. Felix is shaking by the time Benji shuts the front door behind him.

For several moments, Felix isn't sure if he can drive away, but he grits his teeth, puts the car in drive, and pulls away from the curve. He tunnel visions the road as he drives. He's not heading back to his house. He knows his parents will notice something off. He also feels like he'll snap if he doesn't satisfy this urge immediately.

He takes several detours that will lead him back to Benji's house, making plans each time to break into his house and devour him in front of his family if need be, but each time Felix stops himself and turns down another road instead that will lead him away from the Marottas. He can't touch Benji. He won't let himself.

But he can't continue feeling like this. He needs to do something. He needs to fulfill this urge. He needs to consume.