The Incomplete Ramblings of an Insomniac

Been a While...

So it has been a while since I have written anything here in quite a few months. I have kind of been locked away in my own mind for a while with no escape, like a rat on an endless spinning wheel with no way to jump off unless I plunge to certain death. I haven't been able to put all of these racing thoughts into the right words lately as everything has been so overwhelming I have just been getting swept in by the undercurrent. I am trying my hardest to get back onto a solid footing but most days it is all I can do to keep up the mask of the happy bubbly person everyone assumes I am. I am happiest at home alone. No faking, no masking, no acting, no lying. I can be myself and allow my real emotions to surface. Nobody has seen the real me for a long time. I think everyone is perfectly fine with who they believe I am. Either that or they just don't care enough to dig a little deeper.

Everyone sees the version of life they choose to see. They edit out the evil parts, the bad, the nasty, the parts that do not make them feel warm and fuzzy. My brain does not come with an edit button. My brain only comes with a highlight button, and sadly that button assumes I want to remember what makes me fight to survive every day. I wish these parts of my life didn't play on repeat in the back of my mind, but I work with what I am dealt. I stand up to the people who only wish negative upon me and call them out on their bullshit, I help others whenever I can, I look for the warm golden colors in everyone even if being around them turns my stomach. I fight for what is right, even when most of the time, I stand alone. I may have been a victim in my past but that does not mean I need to be treated like one now. I am not a victim because of my past. I know that all of the events in my past has honed my skills in the sharp pointed daggers that I use daily to decipher the good from the bad of the world, the truth from the lies.

We all have shadows hiding in our dark corners. Some are bigger than others. But every single one of us have them. We don't talk about them. We pretend they aren't there. We use social media as a crutch to make it look like we have the most perfect lives because we are afraid of people seeing our darkness. Why are we so afraid of letting people see the darkness? Why do we feel we have to let everyone believe we have none? Good cannot exist without evil. We hide our darkness so well that people who struggle with their own darkness feel alone. They feel there is something wrong with them because they don't see other fighting their darkness as well. That's when the darkness grows. It becomes more powerful. It takes more victims. Why are we so ashamed of our darkness when everyone has it? Why must we always try to be better than the rest, like life is some kind of contest? Sure we can make life a contest. Whoever gets to the end gets a prize. Wanna know what the prize is? What we are all clamoring over each other to get? Death. We get death. We don't even know what comes after, if anything. All we have are idealized beliefs of what we think will happen when we get to the end of this race.

I have shared parts of my darkness with all of you. There is still more surrounding me. I thank the people who stayed and continued with me on this journey. I thank the people who are just tuning in. Most importantly I thank myself as I have kept my vow through all of these posts. I have been 100% honest in writing my inner most thoughts. I can only hope you guys stay interested in what I have to say. During down time, I hope to work on more stories to hopefully get published. Maybe my word can live on. Maybe I'll just keep blogging on my phone for the select few who read this. I don't know. But since I am not racing towards my prize of death, I have some time to figure it out.