The Incomplete Ramblings of an Insomniac

Hormones.

Hormones are a bitch. They can make you feel on top of the world, or they can make you feel like the shittiest person on the planet. My hormones have been doing both. I started my period tonight. Could everything that has happened be a trick of hormones, or a game of the heart? I would have never cheated and I have had plenty of times I could. I love my man but I haven't been happy in a long time. Being around the new one is exciting. It makes me feel butterflies and makes me feel like a beautiful soul. I swear our souls were connected in a past life. I love him too. I love them both. I'm just not completely sure if I am in love with either of them or if I just love them differently. I have met felt in love with anyone for a while now. But what is truly the difference of love and in love? Isn't love... love? More and more often I have these thoughts of running away, starting a new life. One where I'm just by myself.  I love my man. I do. But I want time to myself. To be by myself and to make choices by myself. To be single for a while. I've never been truly single, nor have I ever been truly alone. Maybe it is what I need in this stage of life. I'm not sure. I'm fumbling my way around with no direction. People that know ask me how I am going to tell my fiancé that I cheated? I tell them I'm not. Why tell him to make him hurt but make me feel better? I should be the one who feels like crap. And I do. But I can't apologize for the actions I've taken. My actions make up who I am and I will not be sorry for the decisions I've made. Life is gonna be hard for now. In the end, I will always make the best decision for myself at that time. I am not ashamed of how I acted. I regret it yes, but I am not ashamed. I will not feel ashamed for going and feeling something I needed to to feel human. I needed to feel wanted. That I mattered to someone. I felt lost, alone, and confused. I still do. It's not his fault. It's life. Life had been so hectic we have drifted so far apart without even knowing it. I am not going to bring it up for now as I don't not want to lose my man and my friend. If the truth comes out, I will stay single for a while. I will do what I need to do to grow and evolve into who I am going to be and only then will I settle down again.