The Incomplete Ramblings of an Insomniac

Conflicted

Have you ever been conflicted over something you can't control? Moreover, something that doesn't even exist? My brain has been taking vacations from me and I hadn't even realized it until I got jealous of something that had nothing to do with me. Why would I care if a guy I was talking to (strictly friendly) had conversations and hung out with someone else who is another friend. There is no point of my emotions going crazy, and yet they did. My mental state is a very confusing place and it would just happen that as soon as I started to get a handle on it, everything flips upside down. I am safe, secure, and confident in my own. So why am I beginning to have issues once again? I may need an increase of my dosage. Other things have been coming to the surface lately. Things are getting hard again. The shadows are coming back. I know so much and yet have to be silent to not ruin everything. I feel like I'm spiraling again. I feel like I'm circling the drain and no one is noticing. They all see the happy perky person I pretend to be.  Someone always has to be better than me, taller than me, smarter than me, prettier than me. And I'm about to just say screw it and lose myself. Will I ever feel validated enough in my own right to feel like I'm worth it? Will I ever see myself the way I'm meant to? Somehow I doubt it. I'm lucky enough to have a couple core people to keep me from falling completely apart, and for that I'm grateful. People who make sure I eat, drink water, shower, take care of basic necessities for myself. A lot of time, I feel like a shadow of myself, merely existing, not living. I wish it could change.