The Incomplete Ramblings of an Insomniac

I can't sleep...

I am awake. I have slept a total of about three hours. Had a dream I was drowning, and now I'm here, staring at the ceiling, wishing I could sleep. No position I lay in is comfortable but I am reluctant to get up. I should just make coffee or something. There are too many thoughts going through my mind. We are in the middle of a global pandemic and I'm trying to find my give a fuck button to be honest.

To clear up a question that will arise, I have been diagnosed with half of the alphabet. I am also bipolar. I'm not sure if I am in a depressive phase or a manic phase with no actual mania. It has been hard for me to feel anything but numb lately. People ask "what's wrong?" Continuously and I have no answers. Nothing is wrong. Everything is wrong. I have no answers. I am in a state of perpetual pause and there is nothing that can shake me out of it. I'm not sure how to even voice what I feel. Empty screams against soundproof glass. I can't find it in me to care. Work, school, relationships, friendships, my health, my house, life in general.... it all feels fake. I'm playing a part so people think I'm okay. They won't ask questions if I'm okay enough for them to forget. Felt this way since my birthday. Five people remembered. No cake. No presents. No hugs. No love. Work. A holiday on my birthday. I was invisible. I should be used to it. Wish I could pull a ghost and start somewhere new, where no one knows me. Hiding out in a big town, blending into society. Writing my feelings and my life away. Had my one main friend tell me if he won the lottery he would take me away, put me in a town in a nice apartment, give me an allowance, let me live my life the way I want, where I wouldn't have to work, I could do whatever and just be free. It sounds so tempting most days. Then I remember how much I love the few close people in my life. Then things go downhill. I'm forgotten, left out, made to feel different because I'm wired differently. Yelled at and belittled because I care enough to speak up. Broken back into silence because I made the mistake of caring too much. I pray for amnesia. To forget this life, who I am, what I am.