The Incomplete Ramblings of an Insomniac

Strength

I started a new decade in my life recently. Along with that came a new job and a new outlook on my life. I am in such a great place in my life now. I am finally being able to move forward with certain events that happened in my life and left deep traumatic wounds. One specific wound has an anniversary coming up tomorrow and I am finally able to call out the villain in the story by name. This person holds no power over me anymore. I have finally been able to work through everything pertaining to what has happened and accept it. I am finally ready to move on from it and stop letting it become something that can hold me back in my life. Four years ago, on May 19, I was taken to the woods near a river by who I thought was a friend, drugged with weed mixed with meth when I thought it was only weed, led into the woods as I couldn't function on my own or make a coherent word, and raped by an old coworker I thought was a friend at that time. My body took over and tried to keep him out and he even commented that I must really not want to have sex since my body wasn't letting him in.

He so graciously left his DNA inside of me which I could have used to my advantage but I was too fucked up to understand anything except wanting him off of me so when I finally got home, I stumbled to the bathroom and into the shower, and scrubbed my skin until I bled and the water was cold as ice. The lovely woman who was going to be my sister in law helped me out of the shower and helped me get dressed and got me into bed while she listened to me blubbering about everything. She texted my other dear friend who sadly isn't here anymore (RIP Nikki) who rushed over, picked me up, took me to the pharmacy and went in for me to get a plan B pill. She told me how to take it, what the symptoms would be, and then took me to get food because she said it would hurt my stomach if I didn't eat. We sat in the Wendy's parking lot and she watched me as I took the longest amount of time to get a single cheeseburger down. She took me back home and helped me back inside.

Without those two lovely people, I wouldn't have made it past the first twenty four hours of being raped. My entire self felt like it was ripped away from me. I called in the next couple of shifts feigning a bad fever and stomach bug. All I could do was lay in bed, stare at the wall, cry, and when I would fall asleep I would see nothing but the leaves in the trees that were above my head. I would wake up screaming and shaking, sobbing and hyperventilating, but I wouldn't say a word to anyone. I faked a doctors note saying I lost my voice when I had to go back to work so I wouldn't have to speak if I didn't want to while working. The day after this happened, I became prey to a narcissistic sociopath who I thought was a friend who manipulated me in a severely weak state into making me think he had feelings for me. I never had time to fully process what had happened to me. But not having the time or space to process, I compartmentalized all of it and never fully was able to move on from it.

It has taken four years but I have finally been able to process through all of the tangled up emotions and fears and feelings and memories that had built up over those four years and had grew into a massive trauma wound. It is finally time for me to be able to move on from this trauma in my life. I accept that it happened to me. I accept that the old me died that day. I accept that the new me rose from the ashes of who I was, and am damn proud of who I have now become. I amaze myself everyday with my tenacity, optimism, bravery, courage, strength, and blind faith that my life will be so much better than what I ever thought possible.