The Incomplete Ramblings of an Insomniac

Bruce.

I often find myself thinking of you. I'll be at work and my mind will randomly drift off to some recent memory of us laughing or sharing an intimate moment.

My mind will go over every wonderful detail of you and each magical moment that has made me fall deeper in love with you and then I wonder... do you have these same feelings too?

I hope a smile comes to your face whenever you hear my name. I hope you think of me as a breath of fresh air.

I hope you can't wait to get home from work so you can finally spend time with me.

I hope you believe nothing can come between us in our relationship, that we can overcome anything together.

I hope you never tire of being around me. I hope you are in love with the thought of waking up next to me for the rest of our lives.

I hope when you look at your future, I am all over it, creating our life together. I hope every time you think "One day..." it ends with "with you." I hope you are my biggest fan.

I hope when you look at me you feel happiness well up inside of you. I hope you feel warmth and comfort just being in my presence.

I hope you want to take a million pictures of me because you want to capture all that is me.

I hope that all it takes is a hug from me to make your bad day melt away. I hope you can always count on and trust in me. I hope that all you want in life is for us to be happy.

I hope you see all my flaws and think they are beautiful. I hope you can't imagine anyone else by your side. I hope you choose me every day, now and forever. I hope you are never afraid to share your true feelings about me or us.

I hope through these things that this is how you love me...
because this is how I love you.

I am standing in the ashes of who I used to be.
Though I am still a shell of a person.
You have my everything, I gave it so willingly.
I thought you felt the same, yet you keep pulling away.
The further you go, the harder it's been to be me, to breathe.
I feel like I'm hanging from the tallest cliff, barely hanging on.
My question is will you throw the rope and save me, finally believing in us, or walk away leaving me to fall and become nothing but dust floating through your memory?

Dear Bruce,
I am writing this in my notes first to be able to rewrite and figure out if I truly want to send this. First and foremost I want to say that I love you. I have loved you from the moment I first met you, even if I didn't want to admit it to myself. You were always so sweet to me, helping me with the game and my builds, always making me feel included, telling me how well I was doing even if I was playing like shit. The first talk we had was amazing and something I will never forget. We talked about politics, religion, our dreams and fears. Not once did we argue about anything. I told you about my health issues, you told me about mgtow. We became really close. You became my best friend almost instantaneously. You were the one I always checked to see if you were online. You were the one I always wanted to group up with. Every time I heard from you I got so excited and no matter what happened in that day, you always put me in a great mood. Then came a dark period where you backed away. I know why you did it and I thank you everyday for letting it be my choice. But not a day went by that I wasn't thinking of you, that I didn't want to hear your voice. The day came that I finally broke up with terry. You were the main thought in my mind after. You were the one I wanted to tell everything to. I waited four days. Four days before I cracked and had to speak to you. We started talking. When you reciprocated my feelings, it was as if someone had breathed new life into me. I had never felt so happy, so alive. Nothing mattered in that moment. It was the happiest day of my life. I was floating on cloud nine. No matter what happened, I was able to deal with it because I knew you were in my corner. I remember a conversation where you asked me what am I going to do now? I said what do you mean? You said well your what if turned into your right now. And could be your forever. I cried tears of absolute joy and happiness. Never in my life could I have imagined that I would be this happy, this lucky. Your voice brought an instant smile to my face. Every thought I had centered around you. I was in love and was finally truly happy. Three months we have been together. These three months have been the most amazing time in my life. Your laugh, your smile, the way your eyes light up when we video chat, the things you say that make my heart melt, the way you giggle when I say I love you. You have been my rock, my pillar of strength, my safety net. The one I know I can turn to when everything went sideways, and know that you could make everything better. You have been the most amazing best friend, boyfriend, confidant, secret keeper, therapist, realist, and any other word in the English language. Lately though, it feels like something has changed. You've pulled away. You've been stressed. We don't talk as much. Things feel strained. My heart breaks every time I think about what it could mean, that I could lose you. You've told me you were a sociopath. You've told me I have to be careful. You've told me you don't know if what you feel is real. I believe it is but it is for you to find out. I feel your love when you call. When you leave voicemails just to tell me you love me even when you hate talking to answering machines. I feel it every time you send me a good morning text. Every time you make sure to say I love you before we get off the phone. I see it in your eyes when we video chat. I see it in your smile. I know it is real when you say I love you. Things have been changing lately and we can both feel it. We've went from marathon talks and random question games where you implied a future and marriage to ten minutes here and there catching up as much as we can. We've went from mushy texts to snippy love you texts. We've went from Regina Meis to silence. We've went from baby to sweetheart. We've went from I love you, byyeeee to ok, bye. I knew the intense loving part wouldn't last forever. It is true for any honeymoon period. I know I need to step back and let you work these out on your own. I know I need to stop being so clingy because I think it is pushing you away or freaking you out to some degree. I know if we are meant to be, which we are, then we will be fine. I know we are completely different. I know this. But this is what you need to know. I love you. I am in love with you. I am not going anywhere. You have been the one I have wanted to be with since I met you. You are the one I choose to be with, no matter the issues we have to face. I choose you, sociopath or not. I am always going to choose you. I love you with every tear spilling out of me as I write this, with every breath that I breathe, every thought in my head, every second of every minute of every day. You are the one I choose. You are the one I want to spend busy work weeks with, lazy Sunday mornings with, holidays and anniversaries with, good times and bad times with, ups and downs and sideways with. I am entirely yours. My heart and soul belong to you. They always will. I chose you. I will always choose you. It kills me that things are strange in your mind right now, that you may be having doubts, that you've been distant. But you have to do what is best for you. I will always be here for you, like you have always been there for me. I love you Bruce. I can't say that enough. I feel it in my bones that we are meant for each other. I just hope you feel something when you think of me. I hope the thought of me makes you smile. I hope you remember the little things and chuckle. I hope I cross your mind at random times. I hope you stay. I hope this isn't the end of our amazing relationship and time together. I want to experience life with you. I want to hold your hand while you're driving down the road. I want to watch the corners of your eyes crinkle when you laugh out loud. I want to be the one that makes you smile. I want to be the one to hold you after a long day. I want to be the one you fall asleep next to, wake up to, want to be with. I've tried reaching out and being super loving. It seems to be slowly pushing you farther away. So no matter how hard it is to not pick up the phone and text or call, I will back off and let you figure things out. I just hope you come back to me.