The Incomplete Ramblings of an Insomniac

In my head..

In my head are a million different thoughts swirling around in a dark vortex sucking me away from reality. Ideas, memories, dreams, and failures clouding my vision and dragging me through the depths of my own consciousness. Depression, Anxiety, PCOS, HS, Severe C-PTSD, Bipolar II, Rape, and a life of horribleness, heartbreak, and failures have put me in a position to lock myself away in my mind amongst the crazy thoughts. Ideas of death float through my mind like the passing scenery in a moving vehicle. The sweet release of death holds no value to me though. It is not a solution I am willing to take to ease the pain. To not live, for everything to just end, is not an option for me. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. I care too much for the people closest to me to take the risk of hurting them. Every day is another chance to overcome the burdens I've been dealt in this lifetime. The love I feel for the people closest to me push me to live everyday to the fullest, and love like it is my last. I have to be strong for the people around me. I cannot allow myself to be the weakest link. So I wake up. I go about my day in a hazy blur. I love, I live, I grow, I survive. I don't think life will ever be any different or that I will find what I'm truly searching for. I doubt I will ever know what it is I'm searching for. But I have to keep looking for what will give me peace. Maybe I'll find it one day. Maybe I'll write about it. My love for fictional fantasy worlds has always brought me through the deepest parts of myself. Maybe it will be the thing that saves me from the deepest parts of my subconscious. Maybe I am talking out of my ass. At this point I don't know what is real or not in my mind half the time. I've been off all of my meds for about four months now, and I've felt every feeling to a magnitude of 10. Every smile, every laugh, every moment of happiness has had a fraction of force behind it. I have to try everyday to make my muscles form into a smile, to try to enjoy what I can in the vain hopes it will bring me some sort of peace and hope that tomorrow will be easier. I have yet to find the next day easier. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow will be my lucky day.