The Incomplete Ramblings of an Insomniac

Happy.

I am finally happy. I am finally complete. I am absolutely head over heels in love with the man of my dreams. It was a long and hard road to get here. I made mistakes. I hurt some people. I never meant to cause harm. It's a sad side effect when you are emotionally broke, when your emotions turn off because life is too overwhelming. I was in a six and a half year long relationship that should have ended after year two. We were terrified of being alone. We basically were roommates. We were okay with that. We lived that lie until it couldn't go on any longer. I had to save myself. I had to get off the rollercoaster. I jumped off and saved myself. I broke off the engagement that had happened a month prior. The last chance to save the relationship. No matter how bad the relationship was, I lost a part of myself that day. I thought my first would be my only. I was wrong. In came another. He had the biggest heart I'd ever known and loved me truly and deeply. He gave me the attention I craved when I was invisible. I will never know if I truly was in love with him or if it was an overwhelming infatuation with the love he gave me, but I will never forget that he saw me when no one else did. But I wasn't ready. The wounds were too fresh. There was too much damage. I hurt him. He hurt me. We hurt each other with words and actions. We knew each other so well so quickly that we knew right where to hurt. Three times he changed his mind. Three times I felt like the worst person alive for him to walk away from. Three times he left. Three times he came back. The fourth was too much. It ripped open all the healing that he had helped with. I was broken again. He said it was so tempting to pull the hammer back on the pistol, but I wasn't worth the bullet. I'm glad I wasn't. I'm glad his light still shines. One day he will forget all about me and be able to have a wonderful life. I stayed clear for about a week. Then another came along who had been lurking in the shadows, slowly weaving his way closer. He waited until he had the perfect opportunity. He knew my broken pieces. He pretended to help me hold them together, especially after being told I wasn't family anymore. He took me to a secluded spot in nature to get away and think. He acted like a nice guy. I was completely broken once again. I broke down. He told me I had to get my mind off it. He got me high. We smoked together. It wasn't much but it was enough to cloud my judgement, not have full control over my body, or for me to be completely coherent with my words or actions. My body felt disconnected from my mind. I just kept questioning why would he bring a hoodie to sit on dry rocks? He pulled me into the woods. Had me lay down. Started slow so I wouldn't freak. Whispered sweet nothings. Made me feel almost safe. Promised me he wasn't going to do anything when I wouldn't let his hand move. He did something. He did a lot of things. He raised my shirt and took my breasts out. All I remember was the air felt cool and his teeth were sharp. His hand traveled south. He continued to kiss me to keep my mouth shut and my mind occupied. My pants were pushed down. The air was ice traveling down my stomach to the place I didn't want him. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't think. I wished he would stop. He face found my center. He smothered himself with me. I tried to form a coherent sentence, even a word. Nothing came out. I couldn't even move. He wanted to move to a further hidden place. I pulled up my clothes hoping it was over. Deeper in the woods we went. I was stumbling over my own two feet. He walked briskly ahead to find the spot he wanted then waited for me to catch up. I tried to tell myself I wasn't high. I wasn't drugged up. It wasn't happening. I couldn't have ran if I tried. Like a lamb being led to slaughter, I followed. He laid the hoodie out on the grass so my naked butt wouldn't get eaten by bugs. My pants came off in one fell swoop as did my shoes. To make the image burn into my mind a little sharper, my pants hung off one ankle. His face found me again. All I remember is keeping my eyes closed wishing I was in my bed. That I hadn't woke up that day. When I opened my eyes, the only thing above me were dark green leaves from the bushes around my head and the gray sky above, almost as if god himself were crying. My legs were pushed upward. He made my knees bend. The jingle of a belt told me it was only beginning. I still couldn't form the right words or put them in the correct order. Forceful entry as my body rejected even the thought. Number three. He finally pushed his way in. My legs on his shoulders, my hands gripping the earth beside me begging for it to be over. Thankfully he was short lived and it was over quick. Bad part was he had not used protection and after being in an almost seven year long relationship I had no use for it. I laid there as he redressed and fixed himself while feeling his essence drip out of me. Autopilot took over my body. I sat up, let as much drip out as possible, cleaned myself up, and got myself dressed. My autopilot brain said be nice and act like nothing is wrong so you get to go home. I did. We got back to his car. On the way back to my house, I texted a friend. I need you. She was there in a half hour. I got out of his car. I walked inside. Was undressed completely by the time I got to the kitchen. Put my clothes in the washer and started the load. Went into the bathroom. Sister was using the restroom. I didn't care. I needed him off of me. I started the shower. I ignored her continuous questions. I tripped getting into the tub and almost fell. I said I was fine. I was never fine. I stood under the hot water and sobbed. I scrubbed myself raw everywhere he touched. The tears wouldn't stop. I ran out of hot water. I brushed my teeth until my gums bled. I was shaking after the shower. I got dressed. The friend was there. We left. Went to the store and got a plan b pill. Fifty dollars. I took it as soon as we were in the car. I was still shaking. She took me home. I went in, switched the laundry, and laid down. I didn't speak. I had no words. I was raped. I didn't say no. DFSA. Drug Facilitated Sexual Assault. I believed I did something wrong. I didn't tell him no clear enough in the multiple texts back and forth beforehand saying I wasn't ready. I needed time. He disagreed. It was all my fault. I thought. I shoved it in the little black box in my head and went on. No one needed to know. I didn't even want to know. I went to work the same night. I put up walls. A fake smile. No one even realized how broken I was. Except one person. Three days it took for him to break my new walls. Three days for me to fully break down over the phone and tell him absolutely everything. You were raped, he said. It was not your fault. It took a little while but I believed him. He still loved me. He still wanted me. He didn't see me as broken or damaged. He saw me as beautiful. In his eyes, my scars made me beautiful. His love breathed fresh air into me, sunlight to the shadows. His words were the tape I needed to hold myself together. He's been helping, picking up my pieces and helping me place them, building me back into the person I should be. I'm not fully fixed. I may never be. But I am enough. I am enough with all my flaws, my broken pieces, my scars. He says your scars just make you stronger because you've built up a defense. He is right. I have scars up and down, inside and out. With him in my corner, I am ready for anything. People tell me I shouldn't fall so fast. I can't be in love with someone I have never met. I smile, shake my head, and go back to my own mind where even though all my demons are still there, they are locked up and he has the key. I will never be able to thank him enough for everything and I know there are not enough words in the English language to tell him how much I love him. I've never met him, but I know him. He is it. He is my soulmate. He is mine. I'm so proud to be able to say that. But better yet, I am his. I will work everyday to be worthy of being his. Thank you to the man who promises to love all of my broken pieces. You make me feel beautiful and loved and finally truly happy.