The Incomplete Ramblings of an Insomniac

Anxiety.

Anxiety is a bitch. As is genetics, but one subject at a time. I'm already a D+ in the genetic pool, but anxiety makes me feel like a speck on the windshield of life. Auto immune disease territory kills any chance of me being a bikini model (yeah, like that is my destiny) and having PCOS is killing me mentally. The depression, anxiety, thinning hair, bad acne, weight gain, pain from cysts, and infertility are only a few of the issues I deal with daily. I was so proud of myself when I lost so much weight and thought I had figured out my skin. I thought I had life kinda figured out. Cut to the idiotic ovary killing disease flaring back up and life is just like high school. Hell. Not only am I already close to my old weight, my face looks like a pizza once again. I cannot for the life of me figure out what my skin has decided to do. The plummet of my self esteem and confidence has made me want to hide in a blanket shell and hide from the world. My brain has reasoned it to be perfectly acceptable to hide from the world and never go out from my safety bubble. But I need to. I need to feel alive and live my life like I am enjoying every split second of it. If not for me, then the two amazing young women who stand before me growing and learning about this life. I never want them to care what others think of them. I want them to stay the strong, independent, opinionated, pure hearted young women I know and have grown to love like they were my own. I need to practice what I preach and believe in myself so they will too. That is my only wish is that they live the best lives they can and reach for every dream they want to try. I may have had a shitty upbringing and it has clouded my mind on a few things so I am more apprehensive than most, but they are pure. They are true. And they can conquer the world if they believe in themselves. In the few short months I have known them, they have grown immensely. I can only hope they are true to themselves, trust in their decisions, and know that if they fall, I will be right there to help pick up the pieces and get them back on their feet. I can't wait to see what they do with the rest of their lives. I'm sure it will be amazing. At least these two beautiful young women will not know the pain I went through and will have the courage to tackle any obstacle that stands in their way. If I can teach them anything, it's that. To not do as I did and hide when the world got too difficult to handle. But to stand tall and believe they can do whatever they set their minds too.