The Incomplete Ramblings of an Insomniac

Alone..

You never really know how alone you are in life until you have amazing news you want to share. I got a job today. Besides my boyfriend, I told one person. One. 100+ friends on Facebook, and I felt comfortable sharing my news with one person. The sad thing is, that one person is not even my family. I know I should feel sad, and in some ways I do, but I also just feel alone.  It isn't even a lonely feeling either. It makes you wonder how many people are actually there for you in the tough times. A lot of people say that if you do not reach out to people, they won't reach out to you. This is true. If I don't reach out to keep friendships alive, they are basically dead. I fade into the recesses of people's minds and the only time people reach out to me is if there is something on Facebook. I will be sitting somewhere and see friends hanging out. All I can think is that soon enough, these people will end up being strangers to one another. People come into your life for a reason and sometimes that reason is not to stay. No one stays, not truly. Everyone gets so wrapped up in their own lives, that only a select few people are permitted in that inner circle. I wish I had realized earlier on that I was so disposable. I would have kept myself hidden more, and wouldn't have wasted so much time trying to keep in touch with people that I obviously did not mean that much to them. I could have spent that time furthering myself and my own ventures. I could have been published by now, or had gotten my degree at a better college. I could have done a lot more with my life, rather than to care about social norms and actually done more with my life. I have always cared too much, about anything. From how people feel, what is going on with what I thought were my friends, to helping people when they needed it no matter the cost to me. Being an empath, I have to be careful at all times with how much I care about things. It can consume me to the point where I lose myself. I have spent a lot of time working towards being able to control the feelings that bombard me every day. I guess being so alone is partly my fault because I have been shutting off my feelings so I don't lose myself in others' feelings, but I haven't shut off completely. I do still feel, just not as deeply as I can. being this alone though has to make me wonder if I should just turn it off completely. It doesn't seem to matter if I feel or not as there is basically no one who actually cares. So why shouldn't I turn it off? Why shouldn't I just not care and do what I need to do to survive and progress in life, no matter the consequence? Maybe I will. There is no reason not to.