Afraid to Love

Chapter 5

Chapter 5;

*Makenzies POV*

I sighed and started fiddling with my fingers. Carson was being an ass to me and I was only trying to comfort him. Maybe I should just go away... Or maybe I should bug him until he tells me what's wrong. But then again, I never really liked the thought of being hit.

I stood up next to Carson, and decided to ignore his remark. I balled up my fists, and decided to do something I never thought I would ever have the courage to do.

I hugged Carson.

He seemed startled when I wrapped my arms around him. He tried shoving, pushing, kicking, and biting, but I would not let to of him. He needed this. He needed to know what a hug actually felt like.

What my hugs felt like.

I waited until Carson stopped fighting me before I let go of him. "What the fuck are you doing, Makenzie?! Get the fuck off!" He yelled in my ear, while still trying to get me off of him. I never answered him.

Carson punched me in the back, I will admit, it hurt quite a bit, but he eventually stopped, and started crying again. I held him tighter and he wrapped his arms around me.

I could feel his hot tears against my neck, and his arms just wrapped around me tighter. He lost this battle. He broke down. I put my hand on his head and started rubbing his hair. I could hear his breathing become shallow.

"Carson, are you okay?" I asked. What a stupid question. I knew the answer.

"I'm sorry... Don't hurt me..." He stammered, clutching my back as if it was his life support.

"Sssshhhh. It's okay. You don't have to talk. I won't hurt you, I promise. Carson, I'm only here to comfort and to love you."

"That's... That's..." That is the only word he could manage to get out before he started crying harder. I rubbed his back and let him cry.

When he finally calmed down, I asked, "That's what, Carson?" He lifted himself off of me, and he looked into my eyes. His we're terrified and hurt. I couldn't bare to look at them.

He shoved himself off of the piano chair and started walking towards the stairs. I was surprised at his reaction and I couldn't bring myself to move.

"Carson! Wait!"

"No. Now just leave me the fuck alone. Just forget this ever happened." That's the last thing he said to me before he ran off to his room.

*Carsons POV*

Why the fuck am I acting like such a baby?! Especially in front of Makenzie? I fucking hated her. She had no right to hug me, to touch me, or to come near me. She knew how I felt about touching and she did it anyway.

I was laying in my bed, staring up at my ceiling. I didn't want to see anyone right now. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't even wanna be with myself. I was so disgusted by the fact that I cried over every little thing. I can't help but to think of bad things because that's the only thing that really filled my mind.

Being raped, slapped, punched, kicked, cut, burned, blamed and so much more. Lovely thoughts, right? I mean, what did I ever do to deserve any of this? What did I ever do to see my own sister die right in front of me? Why wasn't I enough for my dad? Why couldn't he love me? Why couldn't anyone love me...

I'm beginning to question the word, love.

Does it really exist? If it does, then why can't I feel it anymore? When Emileigh died, I couldn't take it. She was the only person I loved, but now I feel empty. I feel nothing.

I feel dead.