Afraid to Love

Chaptee 22

Chapter 22;

*Makenzies POV*

Carson and I have talked for hours in his bedroom. I found out about his whole past, but he was a little hesitant to tell me. I convinced him that everything will be alright and that I would never tell anyone.

I found out that his dad once forced him to do drugs with him at one point, and Carson almost ended up dying because he became addicted, and he was only 12. I think the drug was cocaine or something. I also found out that Carson's dad raped him every single night, for hours straight. I think it was because his dad wanted his wife back, and Carson looked an awful lot like his mother, but his dad also did it because he thought it was fun to torture an innocent child, and take away the only dignity he had left.

Carson was laying down on his bed, on his side, with his head propped up by his hand. He was staring at his blanket while he told me all this. He couldn't bare to see my expressions. I was on the other end of the bed, with Carson's feet in my lap.

"My life is pretty fucked up..." Carson murmured quietly as he finished up his story.

"I'm sorry for being rude to you all those times,"

"It's okay. I'm over it,"

"Alright..."

We didn't speak for a few minutes, and the silence was becoming awkward. I kept thinking about the one question that kept bugging me, but I didn't wanna ask Carson. He'd become upset.

I had to know though. I was kinda desperate.

"Will you... Um... Ever have sex again? I mean, with a girl?" I asked slowly, watching his face for his reaction.

He scrunched his face up in confusion. "It depends on who with and how comfortable I am with it..." He answered softly.

I nodded. "That who would be... Me." I felt awkward now. Wanting to have sex with an abused boy, who was technically my brother, who doesn't even have his virginity. Carson looked up at me with wide eyes that were filled with shock and disgust. I sighed.

"Are you being fucking serious?" He asked, and sat up.

"Forget it. Forget I said anything,"

"Makenzie... Please... No... I'm not ready for it. The mental images... They'll keep coming. I can't stop them. I want to have sex with you, but in a matter of time. Okay? Right now, that sick bastard is still stuck in my head..."

He... Wanted to have sex with me? That automatically made me happy. I smiled, and put my hand on top of his. He laced his fingers with mine, and sighed.

"Okay. No sex... For now. But... Would you settle for..." I climbed over on top of his chest, and leaned down close to his face, and whispered, "Everything else?"

Carson's beautiful eyes became sad. "My dad did this to me..."

I sighed, and got off of him. It was no use. No matter what I do, he still doesn't wanna do anything with me. What was I thinking? Carson needs time to heal and-

Before I could say anything else, Carson leaned over slightly on top of me, and kissed me urgently. I closed my eyes, and held the sides of his face. He slowly got fully on top of me, and one hand was on my shoulder, and the other was climbing up my leg.

"I never said no," he smirked, and nibbled on my ear. Oh my god. Carson is so amazing.

"Carson," I moaned, and pulled his shirt over his head. He continued kissing me passionately, entering his tongue into my mouth. His tongue was exploring my mouth and fighting aggressively with my tongue. I strokes down his chest, and reached the top of his pants. I was waiting for him to stop me, but he continued kissing me.

I slowly unzipped his pants, and reached my hand down. I felt the outside of his boxers, and he was mildly hard. I wanted to change that so badly. I reached down in his boxers, and touched it. He soon became harder at my touch, as I started going slowly at it. Carson moaned into my mouth, and started kissing down my neck.

I started going faster because I liked the reactions I got out of him. He kept moaning, and they were so sexy. As soon as I started getting more and more faster, Carson suddenly stopped everything he was doing, and his eyes became frightened.

"Carson... Please..." I begged.

Tears welled up in his eyes. "Makenzie, I can't... I'm thinking of him..."

"Carson, it's okay. He's not here. It's only me. Just me. Makenzie. Not that bastard, alright?"

Carson nodded, and a few tears fell from his face. I felt so bad, so I took my hand out of his pants. I sat up, and held Carson's hands. He continued to cry, and his hands shaked.

"Carson?"

"I'm sorry..."

"You don't have to be,"

"I ruined it... Like I always do,"

"Carson, you're amazing. I swear,"

He looked up at me with those puffy, beautiful bluish gray eyes, and smiled. "Thanks for understanding. I tried... I really did,"

"That's all I can ever ask for. It's an improvement,"

He nodded, and let go of my hands. "I have to go. I need... To clean myself. I feel dirty..." He left the room without another word.

*Carsons POV*

Whore.

My mind kept repeating that word.

You big, fucking whore.

I just stood in the shower as the hot water ran down my body. I also had cut myself, so the blood was rushing down my leg too. I mean, I honestly tried. Even a simple handjob caused me to break down. I thought of my dad that much. He fucking ruined me. He ruined sex, and he ruined my head.

I couldn't stand him. I have never hated a human being this much before. First, he abused me, which led to the rape, and then led to me using drugs and abusing alcohol, and then almost death because of him. He pissed me the fuck off, and I couldn't stand it.

I wouldn't mind if he died.

I would be happy. Happy that I wouldn't have to deal with the fact that he's still out there... Probably fucking some 14 year old, and have no remorse for what he's doing.

As for me, it's all ruined.

I sighed and turned the shower off. I got out, and stared at the broken reflection in the new mirror we got since I broke the other one.

I had cuts and burns all over my body. I had a huge gash on my stomach from where my dad sliced it open with a knife. I had cuts going all the way up my arms, and all over my chest. They were little ones and they were faded, but I could see them. I could seem them big and bold. The new cut I had was on my leg. I felt so disgusted with myself.

I had a few burns on my arms, and neck from when my dad used to put out his cigarettes on me. It hurt so badly, but I didn't cry because if I did, he'd do it more and harder.

My eyes were red and stuck out the most on me. Everyone points out my eyes the most and i hated it. My brown hair was messy from being wet. I looked awfully pale and skinny too. I mean, I had a little muscle, but not really.

I put a towel around my waist, and sat down on the bathroom floor. I didn't wanna leave. I wanted to stay in here forever. I looked around for the razor I was just using, and picked it up. It glared at me in the face, and taunted me.

Cut yourself, Carson. You know you want to. It reminds you of someone. Someone who took everything from you. Someone who-

Cut.

That's all it took.

My head kept thinking this thoughts, and I wanted it to stop. I imagined my dads voice and I got really pissed at myself. I started tearing up but the tears wouldn't escape.

I'm tired of this.