Afraid to Love

Chapter 19

Authors Note; thank you guys so much for reading! It means a lot to me to know that you guys like it! Please vote and comment!

Also, I know my chapters are out of order and it's been like that since chapter 10, and I don't know why. I didn't make it like that. So please stop complaining about the chapters. I already know. I will try and make the chapters longer too! The reason why they're short is because I run out of ideas.

Thanks!

Chapter 19;

*Makenzies POV*

"I don't think you understand," Carson says quietly, while cradling his wrist. He was pacing back and forth in his room, while I was searching for more of his razors. "I can't... I mean, I don't have feelings for you. It's not safe if I do. You'll end up getting hurt."

I opened his nightstand drawer, and found a see through bag filled with razors... And other things. Other things like, the picture of him when he was four, his parents, his little step sister, and 2 cigarette's. I was examining the bag, when Carson flicked his head over to where I was, and his face grew angry.

Carson was over by my side in a flash, and he snatched the bag out of my hand by surprise, and threw it against the wall.

"Snooping through my stuff?"

Carson grabbed my wrist, and pulled me up so I could meet his eyes. His eyes were sad, and tired. He had bags that were so deep that he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. Carson was messing with his lip, and he let go of me.

He sighed, and avoided my gaze. "That's personal," he said quietly. He went over and picked the bag up, and looked at it, disgusted by what's in it.

"Why do you have that?" I asked, fiddling with my fingers.

Carson looked up at me with those broken eyes, and said nothing. I got up, and went over to Carson. I took ahold of the bag, expecting him to slap my hand away, and took it out of his grip.

"Carson, I only want to help. I care for you,"

"No you don't,"

I smiled. "I do. If only you knew the half of it. I may act like I hate you, and sometimes, I do, but I do care. I care an awful lot."

He smirked, and crossed his arms. "You really are something, Makenzie."

"May I take care of your wrist? I don't want your cuts getting infected."

"I'll do it later. It's not important."

"You almost died the last time you said that."

His face became serious, and angry again. I sighed, and started heading towards his door.

"Wait,"

Carson's voice sounded desperate, and vulnerable. It sounded so cute. I turned my head slightly, and looked at him through the corner of my eye.

"Yes?"

"Don't tell Danielle and Tyler about this. I don't want them knowing."

Those were not the words I wanted to hear. I nodded, and opened his door. "Goodnight Carson."

"Yeah."

*the next night*

Carson and I were in the living room watching some scary old movie that my parents put on. My parents were going out tonight, since it was their anniversary.

"You kids behave now, alright? I'm counting on you, Makenzie." Tyler says, while putting his jacket on.

"No fighting, partying, friends, or going out. Okay?" My mom piped in.

I nodded, and continued to watch the screen. This girl was getting stabbed by some sort of killer. Typical scary movie. Almost all of them are like that. Carson's eyes were glued on the screen, and he had his arms crossed. He looked like he was about to pass the hell out.

Tyler put his hand on Carson's shoulder, and Carson cringed. "Behave, son."

"Whatever," Carson said through clenched teeth. Tyler sighed and took my moms hand. They left the house, and Carson and I were by ourselves now.

I haven't been by myself in forever now. It felt nice that my parents trusted us. But I didn't know how I felt being alone with Carson. We always ended up fighting and the last time we were alone together without my parents in the house, the ambulance was called because Carson overdosed.

I glance over at Carson, and to my surprise, he was glaring at me too. I gulped and quickly looked down. Carson chuckled.

"You look so stupid."

Great. So now I look stupid.

"You look awful. Have you looked in the mirror lately?" I countered, and Carson didn't seem to like that.

"Fuck off, Smith,"

"Stop being a dick,"

"I will when you stop being a bitch,"

"I'm done with you."

"I couldn't agree more." He growled, and turned the TV up more so he could drown out my voice.

I wanted the loving Carson back. I liked him better when he was vulnerable and didn't do much. Now he was just being a jerk.

The thing is, I liked Carson in all ways.

Even when he was being a jerk.

"Carson, I'm sorry..."

"For what?"

"For being rude."

He laughed slightly, "Maybe I should be the one saying that." Carsons hands were shaking a little, and he ran a hand through his messy brown hair.

"What you said yesterday... It's bugging me. Did you actually mean what you said? You know... About you having feelings for me?"

Carson's eyes flickered over to me, and his stare became intense. I could tell that he thought I was insane and idiotic, but I didn't care. I wanted to know.

Carson bit his lip. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You do."

"I... Um... I didn't mean what I said."

"You told me you couldn't handle the feelings, so you cut yourself. You told me that you had feelings for me. You don't have to deny it... Because maybe.. I have feelings for you... Too."

"You do...?"

"I do." I confirmed, and smiled.

"Can I... Can I.. Try something then?"

I nodded, and Carson got up and sat next to me. He grabbed my hands, and titled my head up to meet his gaze. I started breathing really quickly, and my heart began to pound. His soft lips soon met mine, and my whole body felt like there were fireworks in it.

His lips molded to mine perfectly, and his tongue forced its way into my mouth. I let it, and we were practically making out. I loved it. I loved every minute of it.

I felt Carson stop underneath me, and I got mad. I wanted to keep kissing him. His kisses were amazing. I opened my eyes, and Carson was on the other side of the couch, clutching his knees.

"I'm... I'm sorry." He whispered, and started scratching his wrists.

"I'm not."

"I'm not ready for it... I don't know what I was thinking. I... I... Gotta go."

Carson sprung to his feet, and ran up the stairs.