Our Journey 3 || Tom Holland

39. late night talks

Y/N Pov.:

We went home relativ early after this. Tom and I didn't talked that much for the whole day. Now we were laying in bed, my back on the side of his chest with his arms around me.

"You okay ?" he asked.

"Yeah." i said. Calm energy was around us. "You've been quiet the whole day."

"You too." he said.

"I know. What was your reason ?" i asked.

"There was something Josh said that doesn't leave my mind." he said. I turned my head a gave him the look to go on. "When you and Evy were upstairs we had a little chat. I told him about our deep late night talks and he said that we should probably have one of these again."

"That would be nice." i said.

"Let's have them now." he said. "I can also start-"

"No." i said. "I will." i took a deep breath. "When Evelyn and i were upstairs we didn't just talked about the baby stuff. A little we did but we talked more about me or us. I'm fucking stressing out about all of this."

"I know you do and trust me i do too." he said. I turned to him again and i saw full honesty in his eyes. "Tell me all of it. Every little thought you have."

"I know i said i would be ready for a baby and i kinda am, but it stress me out so much already. I have these stupid thoughts of everything that could go wrong. I mean i could eat something wrong and maybe they will born sick. I would still love them as much as i ever could but then i would have fault on their fucked up life. I don't know if i should have that much power over something. I mean everthing could go wrong." i said and already started to cry. Fuck hormons.

"But things could always go wrong. I know how much you would take care of yourself and the baby's. But things could end tomrrow and we don't know. What is that really freaks you out that much ?" he asked softly.

"That you hate me." i said and he looked at me confused. "I have so much power over your baby's right now. As i said i could eat something wrong and your kids couldn't have a normal life anymore. Or k could kill them. What if i don't give birth right ? I don't know if you can say it like that or even can do it, but i know i could. That your future kids would be dead and i would be the killer of your baby's. You would hate me so much or you couldn't look me in the eyes with full of love. Because you know that i killed them." i nor cried fully. Tom gave me an apologetic look and pulled me closer to his chest, that i saw now crying in his chest. "I just wanna be a great mom and wife. And i don't know if i can do that. I feel like i could destroy so much in just one second. I don't know how much of this i can handle. And i know it bad to think about you hating me or killing our children, but i also want these thoughts to just go away. I just want them and us to have a perfect life. I want them to be healthy and look proud at me. But i can't see it yet. I see me with the baby's, but i don't see that i would be a great mom."

"Oh darling." he said and kissed my head. "You would be a perfect mom. And i'm not just telling that because i absolutely love you but because it's true. Just the way you already care about them and me, shows how much more you will care when they are here. And it's great that you know how much power you have over them, that will make you just more careful. I know that everything is scary and trust me i think so too. But i would never hate you, ever. Even if these little wonders wouldn't survive. I would think about how horrible you would feel. Because you said always my baby's but they are also yours. We both would be crashed if we would lose one of them but we would go thought this together. But we can't think about things like that. We should think about their birthdays or when they are going to school. I don't know. But trust me i have these bad thoughts too."

"Like what ?" i sniffed and looked up at him. I saw that he also had tears fallen.

"You know i'm scared too. Because i know your past. And i'm scared that i will be like your dad. What if i see a reason to leav you ? That i will understand why he did what he did and do the same mistake ? Not because i wouldn't love you and the kids, but because i'm scared that i will be a bad dad." he said and also started to cry now a little. "What if i teach them something wrong ? What if i treat you wrong ? I don't wanna think about leaving you because i'm scared that something will happen. That's why i don't want to leav for the premier. I mean maybe that could be only days that i'm gone, but so many things could happen. I know our jobs are crazy and i have no clue how our future will look with acting. But i want to be there for the kids. I want them to have a present father, a good dad. And i'm scared that i can't be that. It's enough if i would miss their first word, step, or kick. I don't want to lose anything."

"Oh Tommy." i cried and pulled him in a hug. We both now cried in each other's arms. "I didn't knew you would think like that. I always thought you were super chill with this. I'm so sorry you needed to go through that alone. But trust me you will be the best dad. The best kn earth."

"Thank you darling. But see you aren't alone with your thoughts, you will never be. It doesn't matter what you think i want you to tell me. I don't want us to go through things alone anymore." he cried in my arms.

"We won't. I promise." i said.