Silent Love, Silent Pain [Levi x OC]

30. Drunken state

"Let's go" Erwin said to Sophie as he placed his hand on her back, urging her to move forward. She slightly tensed feeling his hand on her body and as he sensed it he took his hand away, making her more relaxed again. Maybe she was indeed thinking of him only in a friendly way?

"Where are we going?" she asked suddenly when they left the headquarters territory.

"Surprise" he grinned, but quickly became more serious again. "What was that all about?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" her voice seemed a little too defensive than it was needed, but he didn't comment on that. Instead he waited patiently for her to say something more, but nothing more came from her.

"You avoided Levi. Are you two fighting again?" he clarified, making her unable to avoid giving him the answer. At least he thought so.

"I thought that today was about us. Not about me and Levi" she dodged his question perfectly, making him smile a bit. He had to admit, it required some cleverness to avert questions made by him, her managing to do so was only making her more attractive in his eyes.

"Ever thought about becoming a politician? You certainly got a wit" his words made her blush slightly and she looked away, focusing her eyes on people walking by the street and the buildings that they were passing by.

His compliments were always surprising her. She didn't expect anyone to compliment her. Yet, he was the first person after Furlan that did it not in an unwanted sexual way. She wasn't used to that, but it certainly felt nice. She only had to receive those words in small doses. Erwin knew it as well, but he still tried to shower her with them. She clearly had low self-esteem, he wanted to boost it. Her thinking poorly about herself and blaming herself for everything wasn't good for a soldier. She needed to stop pitying herself and sink into depressing thoughts that only dragged her down. She needed to be strong. Strong soldiers make a strong unit.

"No," she cringed. "They all garbage fuckers"

"It's hard to disagree" he smirked and turned into another street. She followed him there and realised that this street looked similar to the one they visited in the capital. "Well, you can always pursue painting. You are also good in this"

"I do enjoy it" she admitted. "But I thought you wanted me in the Survey Corps? Does Erwin Smith not want someone in the unit? Is it even possible?" she teased and he rolled his eyes in response.

"I just think that everyone should have their passions. You know, something that keeps you away from the dark. It's easy to drown in it when you're a part of the Survey Corps"

She chuckled bitterly hearing him say that. He didn't even know how much she was drowning in the dark thoughts now. Trapped in a cage of her own regrets, of her guilt. And she had plenty of things to feel guilty about. Starting with Furlan and the need to move on with her life. She felt as if doing it would be a slap to the memory of him, that it would make her feelings for him look weak. But she was weak already clutching to the memories of him, longing for his smile and voice almost every day and night. There was also her guilt over her relationship with Levi and her poor treatment of him. There was also a fear. Fear that she wouldn't be able to control herself while with him. The need to be his friend and the urge to hurt him mixing in her was enough to make her feel bad with herself, sick even. She was starting to believe that there was nothing worse than inconsistency. Nothing worse than thoughts, feelings, needs and desires conflicting with each other.

"What are your passions then?" she asked, curious about his answers. For all this time she had spent with him she never once saw him taking interest in something else than his work.