Silent Love, Silent Pain [Levi x OC]

23. To blend in

Sophie woke up early in the morning and opened her eyes lazily. The image of her room was still hazy because she was half-asleep. She hated that state - only half-conscious of her surroundings and body. She always reacted like this after a whole night of uninterrupted sleep. It happened so rarely to her that whenever she actually took a good rest her body refused to break it.

But she had to. She forced herself to sit on the bed rather than lying down and she wiped her eyes to clear her eyes. She blinked a few times and finally the image of the room was sharp, every detail in good quality. Her heart was pounding heavily forcing her to lay down again, but she fought that off and focused her sight on the chair. The knife from Levi was still there, waiting for her to take it. She caught it in her hands and placed on her knees, playing softly with the hand of it and then steel. It was beautiful. Small reminder of her first home that she could have in her new home.

Because it was now her home. Home that she had to share with Levi - despite the fact that she hated him. But did she really? Yes. Of course, she should hate him. She does hate him. It didn't change. No precious gift can change her view of him. But she should try being less harsh. For the sake of atmosphere in the Scouts. She hoped to start a new life, to move on. How could she if she would still growl at him whenever she sees him? It was only hurting her. It was taking her attention. And she should focus on different things. For example - her skills. She was terrible at horse riding. She should improve that for the sake of her safety.

Sure, dying on the mission was tempting. She would join Furlan and Isabel that way and wouldn't be forced to spend the rest of her life without them. She wouldn't be forced to spend who knows how much time with Levi. Levi. Just the thought of him was bringing emotions to her. Emotions that she didn't really enjoy. Every inch of her body was screaming at her to punish him. To torture him. To kill him. For all the wrongs that he had done to her. For abandoning Furlan and Isabel on that damned field.

But she didn't want to kill him. At least not happily. She knew she would regret doing that, no matter how tempting the idea sounded inside her head. No matter how free from pain she would become after his heart would stop beating. No. It would change her. She can't start killing people so easily. She would enjoy it just like her grandma said.

"Who is causing that pain?"

"Humans"

"As soon as they get a chance to become a bully they take it. At first it's purely for protecting themselves but soon they start to like it. They get driven by it, looking for an opportunity to feel that again. You'll understand it yourself, I hope. You'll lose your humanity here either way but it's better to be on top. Don't fight with it. It will be your greatest strength, trust me"

Her grandma's words were haunting her, making her feel as if she was destined to become ruthless, driven by bloodthirst. But she shouldn't, right? She left Underground. There's no need for her to enjoy killing and causing pain to others, right? Right?

Then she thought of different words her grandma said to her that she recalled only two days ago. She wanted her to find the painting in a frame that was in her old house. She went there and found it so easily. It still baffled her how easily she found it. She should have spent at least an hour searching ruins of her old home to find the location of the frame. But no, she went straight to the right place. It was almost as if an invisible string was connecting her to that frame, pulling her closer and closer until she found it.

The weirdest part was that she was positive that no string would pull her closer if that memory of her grandma's words didn't somehow unlock. Why did it unlock? Was it because she decided to break free from the Underground and leave it in the past? Was it because she decided to move Aboveground? Why was it triggered like that? She would do a lot to find the answer for that question. Unfortunately, she had no one to ask. Her grandma was long gone now, her parents vanished when she was a little girl. She didn't meet any other family members, maybe she didn't have any. The only thing that was left was the piece of paper hidden behind that frame that she took with herself.