Silent Love, Silent Pain [Levi x OC]

17. Pain

It was a rough night for Levi. Ever since they came back to Survey Corps' Headquarters he couldn't find a place for himself. He watched as Hange and another soldier took Sophie's limp body to the small hospital wing. His face was drenched in tears that were streaming down his cheeks in great amounts. He couldn't help that. He felt broken, as if a big hollow was cut inside of him and the emptiness that was caused by it was consuming all of him. Pain. Horrible, awful pain he felt was hard to take. He wanted to rip his hair out in powerlessness.

It would be great to see you fucking dead. Pain.

She needs you to get the fuck out of her life. Pain.

We should go with you. Pain.

No, stay fucking here. Pain.

It's your fault! Pain.

If you were there they wouldn't be dead. You fucking bastard. You should take their place. Pain.

Pain. Pain. Pain. So much pain that it was tearing his heart apart, shredding his soul if he had one.

Live with no regrets, Levi. How? How is he supposed to do that after the damage he made? After he said all of those awful things to Furlan just before he died. After he told him that he would like to see him dead. How will he look at himself from now on? How is he supposed to live with the burden, the guilt of all these words that he should've kept for himself? How can he look at Sophie after all of that? Maybe he won't have to. Furlan made it clear that she's better without him. Sophie made it clear that he's a piece of shit. But even though he agreed with her he couldn't leave her alone. She used to piss him off. She used to be unwelcomed by him. No matter his feelings he wanted to push her as far as possible. But it was before Isabel and Furlan died. It was when they had other people in their life that he could protect and she could be protected by. Now they were all alone in a completely new place, far from the place of their upbringing. Sure, the Underground was a shitty, terrible place to live with lots of shady people that were ready to kill them for a slice of bread, but at least it was familiar. They survived there for so many years. Living above the ground only seems better, but they know nothing about this place. They don't know what it's like to live here, or how to survive here. Completely alone. He needs to keep an eye on her.

He chuckled bitterly. When he met her he thought that she was capable of protecting herself. Then he saw how many mistakes she was making while fighting. He started thinking of her as a burden, Furlan was right about that. And it seems like Furlan was right, to protect her so much. When he saw how she almost got eaten alive, how her body laid limply in Hange's arms...he thought that she needed protection. His protection. He was good at fighting, apparently even those titan things. Who can protect her better than he can? No one. And she has no one besides him. He has no one besides her either. She's the only thing that makes him remember who he is. The only person that saw his worst. He can't afford to lose such a person. Even if he will have to protect her from the shadow, keeping his distance - he still wanted to protect her at all costs. It's almost as if his body was telling him that he must do it. His heart was aching for her safety. He must protect her.

"Levi?" he heard Erwin's voice and he raised his head to see him. He was insanely mad at that blonde man for playing games with them, playing with their lives. But it wasn't Erwin's fault that he abandoned his friends. No one told him to leave them in that rainfall. It was his decision only. The worst he made in his life. Erwin had different sins. Sins that made Levi resent him, but he didn't want to kill him anymore. His urge to kill this man only led to Furlan's and Isabel's death. He can't risk losing Sophie due to his anger.