Lies

Chapter 50

Felix

It's been a week since I found that audio recording on my phone.

It's been a week since I let Logan know.

It's been a week of school, homework, tests, and new rumors spreading throughout the school.

It's been another fucking week.

Kagami hasn't shown any progress. She is still laying, eyes closed and no movement other than breathing. That was five days ago. It's hard seeing her laying there, breathing, but nothing else. It's hard knowing I can't do a damn thing and it's starting to eat away at me.

I didn't get to her fast enough. I didn't fucking try hard enough. I failed at protecting her and I can't help but feel more and more defeated. She was mine to protect and all I can do is apologize. Yet, I can't even do that.

I need her to wake up more than I need to breathe. I need to ask her if she wants to be with me. If what happened that night before wasn't just a one off. I can't help but be selfish. I need to know that it wasn't just a one off.

I need her to confirm that we both felt the same. That we both wanted to start whatever it was we had at that moment. I needed more and I still want more.

Fuck!

I'm thinking about myself rather than thinking about her. About what she went through, about what he put her through. That he almost- a sigh breaks my lips and I hang my head low between my knees.

I've been sitting in my mothers room on her bed watching Twelve Angry Men and I'm still trying to understand why she likes this movie. All these men sit here to talk about a verdict to give and they need to agree on a decision.

Kind of like how I need to agree on whether I really deserve Kagami. I mean do I? I reached out for her and look at what happened? Look at what it did to her?

If it wasn't for me maybe she would've been safe. Maybe Mila and I would still break things off but then I'd be able to go after Kagami. Maybe if I didn't care about what was on the damn USB, I wouldn't have had to be in this situation.

What if.

What if.

What if.

Now everything in my life is falling apart. First my mother, now Kagami. What am I supposed to do? I just sit here and wait until she comes to? I wait until she decides to open those beautiful honey eyes of hers?

Kagami was probably the only person who knew about what I was going through at the time. She saw me. Not Felix the player or Felix the flirt, but me.

In that room, what feels like ages ago, she saw me hurting. Who do I talk to now? Who do I turn to when I have no one in my corner?

My head turns and my eyes scan the woman lying asleep next to me. She must've dozed off during the movie at some point. I push a small strand away from her face and remind myself of the loving mother and happy memories I was fortunate enough to have.

But in the end, all I think about is how she won't be here one day and with that thought I look back up at the TV screen.

It's something I try so hard not to think about. It's something I've tried not to allow to corrupt my control, but I feel it slipping every day. I feel that thread sliding through my fingers and I know it's almost at its end. I know because I see my mother deteriorating.

I see the halls in my house lifeless and I begin to feel sad. Her laughter will be silenced, her smile will no longer start off my day, her elegance will be a memory. Soon the sounds, looks and even smells go away at one point.