Lost in You

Chapter 6

I go back in the evening as promised. I can hear music playing softly through the door before I knock. No answer. I knock again. It takes him a while before answering. I spend it shifting the hot plate from one hand to the other and wonder if I woke him up. When I open the door, the music gets louder, but the room is dark and someone must have shut the window again. Before I can run my fingers down the wall to find the light switch, the bedside lamp turns on. He looks tired and a little confused, so I hold out the plate in front of me. "I brought you soup," I say and come closer to place it on the bedside table. Instead of acknowledging the soup, he looks at me. It takes me a moment to realize that I am not wearing my work clothes anymore. Maja and I finished long ago and she teased me when I left the room again to get the soup, basically doing more work than I should. "You know you don't need to do this, right? There would have been other people taking care that I get something to eat." His voice is still raspy and I can tell that even sitting up in bed is painful. I don't dare to ask how many competitions he's going to miss, but according to Maja, this week was important. "I didn't think they'd let you starve, but-" I shrug, not sure anymore what I thought when I offered to bring him soup. It seemed like the right thing to do in the afternoon when I had nothing else to say to him. Now it seems very unnecessary. He reaches for the plate and spoon and I stay where I am. "Thank you," he says. "Anything else you need for the night?" I ask while he carefully tastes the soup that is still too hot to eat. He lowers the spoon again. "Maybe a glass of water?" I take the empty glass that's on the table, fill it up again and give it to him. Again our fingertips meet and this time I am not sure it's all that coincidental. He coughs again and I save the glass before it spills over the bed covers. "Are you going to be okay?" I ask, not sure if I'm talking about the night or the next days for when he'll be able to travel after the others. He shrugs and takes a sip of the water, staring at the table. I hadn't noticed the gold medal there before. Without thinking about it, I step closer and trace my fingers over the cool metal. It's on top of a picture of the team after winning and it makes me smile. "I actually might have had a chance of winning it all this year, you know?" His voice is barely more than a whisper and I have no idea what all is, but I can hear the longing and the anger in his voice. "I barely know anything about your sport, so I didn't know that. But I do know that sickness always comes when you least need it and never when you'd want it as an excuse," I say. He scoffs. "I don't think I ever wanted to be sick. It interferes with the training." I sigh. "Something else I know nothing about." "But you do seem to know something about being sick. Could you open the window again, someone must have closed it while I slept." I glance at him, the idea of someone coming in without him noticing doesn't seem right, but he seems untethered about it, so I go to the window without commenting on it. "So someone stayed here with you?" I ask and he nods. "A caretaker from our team." He's got someone familiar around then. That would explain why he doesn't care too much that someone comes into his room. When I open the window, fresh winter air streams in and I sigh a little. I'm going to miss this. The quiet when opening the window, only disturbed by a few cars fighting through the icy streets and the soft sound of snowflakes against the window. When I step closer and let the curtain close a little around me, I can even see the first stars blinking overhead. The sky seems so clear and the mountains now only lightened by the snow and the moon seem to wrap a protective arm around us. The rustling of bedsheets brings me back to reality. That I stand in a stranger's bedroom and stare out of his window. I step back so hastily that I almost get twisted into the curtain. He watches me with an amused look in his eyes. "What did you see out there?" I brush the rest of the curtain away and close it properly again. "Nothing. Only the stars. The clear night sky fascinates me," I admit. He looks past me as if he could see the stars through the curtain. "It looks the same, no matter where you are. When we're somewhere where the sky is clear, it always makes me feel a little closer to home," he says. I swallow. I'd half expected him to make fun of me for being so enthralled by a few stars. "Do you get homesick during the winter?" I ask. By now I've gathered enough to imagine that they must travel around quite a bit. "Sometimes. Everyone does once in a while. Especially when the jumping isn't going too well. I think it's normal." "It's the same for me. When something goes bad during studying, I always wish myself back home. Like once you're there, it's all good and safe, no matter how bad the thing was that happened, at home you're going to be fine again and you'll find a way to work it all out," I say, again wondering why I would tell him. But there is something calming in the way he looks at me that makes it easy to talk. The lamp illuminates the room in dim, warm light. The sounds of the night trickle in and for a moment we're together in silence. It's not at all uncomfortable until I remind myself that I should go. That he's sick and only too polite to tell me to go. "You should eat the soup before it gets cold," I say and walk through the room. He jerks a little and looks at the soup as he'd forgotten it was even there. "Yes. Thank you for bringing it up again." He says, but his eyes keep lingering on me. I have to tear my own gaze away. "Good night," I say. He says it back, careful as if not wanting to destroy the silence we've been in before. When I open the door to the corridor, the harsh light hits me and it feels like I stepped out of a different world. One I would have liked to stay in longer.