Lost in You

Chapter 33

"You look terrible," Maja comments when we meet in the kitchen the next morning while making breakfast. I don't want to tell her that I spend half the night crying, but I think her guesses still go in the right direction. "The call didn't go as well as you wanted it to?" I shrug and focus on pouring milk over my cereals to not answer her right away. "It went well enough. We didn't break up. We didn't fight." I hand Maja the milk and sigh. "Why do I feel so bad when there is no reason to?" "Because you need more than just phone calls and few days of meeting each other with no perspective on how to go on," Maja says without missing a beat or looking at me. Before she can continue, my phone rings. Maja raises an eyebrow. "Is that him?" I'm about to shake my head, because why would Marius call again after we've just talked last night and he said he needed to travel early today? But when I look at the display of my phone, his name shows up. "Actually it is," I say confused and answer the phone. Maja shrugs, takes her bowl and spoon and leaves the kitchen again. "I couldn't sleep last night. We need to talk, but I didn't want to wake you," Marius says before I can ask. "What is it?" I ask and stir my cornflakes "The same reason you called last night. Because last weekend was weird. Because we both have no idea how to continue whatever we started. Because I think you need more from a relationship, especially more safety." I swallow. "Whatever we started?" I repeat and he sights. "You know. Our relationship that came out of nowhere and deepened in a way that I never thought it would." The fact that his voice is soft and gentle somehow makes the conversation worse. "You never wanted this, do you?" I ask and force my voice to stay steady. "I never planned this. I wanted to focus on my career. But then you were there and we had fun and I couldn't stop having fun with you. I wanted to know what could happen as much as you did, I think." I close my eyes and am grateful that Maja locked herself in her room by now. "I never planned to fall in love with someone during my holiday job either. But that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. That doesn't mean it has to end," I say, hating that I sound needy. "Of course not. It has been anything but bad. But then again, this is all I can give you. Calls and weekends here and there. It's not going to change for what I hope will a long time. I'll always be travelling around. Training camps, competitions and sponsor obligations. And I know you'll be in Germany, living your life. So please tell me if you need more because I think the longer we keep going the more it's going to hurt if it's not what you want," the words come out in a rush as if he's caged them in for some time and now they need to get out all at the same time. And while he's right, while I might need more and don't want to admit it, it's exactly the caring tone in his voice that I've come to love. "Maybe. I don't know just yet. What do you need?" I ask back because I don't want to give him a final answer. "For me it's going to be the same no matter what. I'll always be the one travelling around, not being able to spend a whole winter at home." I'm only thankful that he doesn't mention that we could have at least had the time he's home if I didn't live in another country. "You mean you need to work this out anyway, but I still have a choice," I say, my voice trailing off. "In a way, yes. Or maybe I realize that it's not working for me either and sooner or later I come to point where I have to choose," he says. When I have to choose to be lonely. The words hang between us and again, it almost breaks my heart and I have the urge to fix this. To keep us together, no matter what. For both our sakes. Because at least we had a few happy days, days that we otherwise might not have had. "I can't do this like this. I need to see you again," I say. And because it still all seems too perfect to be falling apart, he doesn't mention that we only saw each other a few days ago or that he doesn't have the time right now. "I can come in two weeks, when the season is over. Only it won't be a surprise then." I nod and then realize that he can't see it. "I don't care about surprises right now. Tell me the dates and I'll make it work," I say, already knowing that whatever I'd have planned for those days, I'll skip it if it means we get to talk in person."I'll text them to you later." "I can't wait," I say, knowing that with everything that will be between us until the day we meet again can't come too soon which means it'll take forever to arrive. "Me neither." When we hang up, I ran my fingers through my hair and stare at my cornflakes before pushing them away. They're all soaked through now. In the corridor, I hear the click of Maja's bedroom door unlocking again when she realizes we're done talking and it's safe to enter the kitchen again. I flee in my room because I don't want to face her right now and I want to add the dates Marius will come to my calendar.