Lost in You

Chapter 43

The snow crunches under my soles. The wind is whispering in the trees around us. I can hear a bird calling in the distance and a shiver runs down my spine. As long as I don't turn around to the lights behind us, only focus on the ski jumping hill and the forest in front of us, it feels like we're in our own world. "This might be almost better than the rooftop," I say and close my hand around his a little harder. He smiles. "I thought you'd like it. The perfect end to our last night walk." I turn around in a circle, imagine what it must be like to land here when there's a crowd cheering you on all around us. Then I stop with my eyes wandering up the hill in front of me. As always the size of it it reality takes my breath away. When he puts his arm around my waist and pulls me closer, I even forget that he called it our last night walk. That we still haven't talked. I let myself sink against him. Somewhere behind us, I can hear steps in the snow, but when I want to turn around, he stops me. "Shh, we're not doing anything forbidden. They'll leave again soon enough." I lean my head against my shoulder and trust him, too taken in by the scenery to care about the fact that we might be watched. And he is right. A moment later, it seems like we're alone again. "How long have you been planning this?" I ask and look up to him. He's looking up the hill and to the stars above with as much awe as I was. I would have thought he's gotten used to the view by now. Now he smiles without turning away. "This morning after our first jump when I turned around? Otherwise, I would have been about to ask you to come to the rooftop again. But I thought this would be something new. For you at least." I shrug, try not to show exactly how much I am impressed. "It was a good idea," I mumble and take his hand. "I don't want you to go tomorrow." I can feel him tense a little against me, then he turns around to me and lifts my chin. Maybe he's somehow guessing at the promise I made to Maja. Maybe he told himself that if we don't have a plan for tomorrow morning, we need to leave each other. Maybe he's as scared of that as I am. He leans down and kisses me instead of an answer. Slow and gentle, stretching it out like he plans to kiss me all night. I think that is the moment when the idea first comes into my mind and turns off the other voice that tells me to let go. That my parents would tell me I'm crazy for even considering it for someone I already broke up with and now only met again two days ago. That's why I don't say anything when we break apart again. I only step back and push a strand of hair out of his eyes, like I've been longing to do before. "We'll find a way," I say with a secretive smile."Sound like you have a plan?" There's confusion but also hope in his voice. "Not yet. But I'll tell you once I do," I promise. He furrows his brows. "Please do, because I've been nearly thinking about nothing else and I couldn't come with something. And I'd hate to lose you again." The last sentence is spoken softer, like he's scared of the words himself. I can feel my body getter hotter. I can feel the idea that's just come stir up, pressing against my heart to listen to it. To tell him. I push it down. I need a clear head for a decision like that. I need to know that I'm doing the right thing for my future, not one emotional Hollywood-style decision. So instead I kiss him back, harder, wanting him to feel what his words made me feel. If someone was still around at that moment, I'm sure I wouldn't have noticed. I wouldn't have cared for the rest of the night. For when we made us stop kissing, he led me around the hill, explained things to me, at least as far as he could without us needing to climb up. It doesn't feel like night, like we should be in the hotel in our beds right now. It feels right to be outside with him, nodding along to whatever he says like I understand everything, stumbling over English words once in a while, exchanging kisses because there's no language barrier there. Until I'm so tired that I keep stumbling over stones or clumps in the snow and he leads me firmly to the exit against my protests. "If you really have a plan, you'll need to keep working on it and this won't be the last night we spend together," he promises and finally I'm too tired to keep up the protesting. Or to think clearly enough to tell him about that plan there and then.