Lost in You

Chapter 36

Maja was right to take me with her. I already knew when we got out of the taxi and Sophie waved us in. And I was even surer after the first few days were over. But this morning, my heart beats faster. My palms are sweaty enough to cause a plate to almost slip out of my hands. They'll come today. We've already prepared the rooms. Sophie has informed us in advance, knowing enough from Maja and me that I dread today and still need the information. Maja and I watched the last competition, enough for me to know that he's not as good as he was last year. Not entirely bad either, but something seems to have changed. I don't have the technical knowledge to understand what it is though. Besides, I was too distracted at seeing his face again. Or at least the part that wasn't hidden by goggles and helmet. Still, nothing could have prepared me for the moment I stumble into the lobby and he's there, checking in. Looking up and right at me when I enter like somehow he knew I was there. My breath catches in my throat and he seems to forget what he was doing as well. His hand is caught mid-air, raised to take his key card from Sophie. I give him a little wave because I don't know what else to do, then turn around on my heels and leave the lobby again. I've forgotten why I came there in the first place anyway. "He's here," I tell Maja who I meet on my way back to the lift. Maja's eyes widen and she follows me. "Did he talk to you? How do you feel? Do you need me to check the corridors for you to make sure you don't have to see him again?" Maja asks as soon as the lift door closes behind us. I hold on to the silver metal bar as if there was a chance that I could fall out of the lift. I can tell that I'm pale by the mirror image looking back at me. "No, to all of that and I'm not sure how I feel. I walked in on them checking in and he noticed me. I waved and ran away," I tell Maja. I can tell that she bites back a smile. "That was a good start." "There is no start of anything. We'll ignore each other from here on. I was just too confused to remember when I saw him without a warning," I say. We didn't text after he left Munich, even if he offered that I could. But it seemed like he didn't have anything to say to me either and I didn't want to think about him. I successfully avoided everything that could give me a hint as to how his summer went, including stopping Maja from telling me any news she might stumble upon. "We'll see about that," Maja says and doesn't hide her smile this time. I roll my eyes. "Can we do a long ski tour today, as soon as we're done with work?" I ask, longing for the fresh cold air to cool my heated face and the movement to set my muscles burning, getting me away from here. "Sure. Do you want to try out a new route?" Maja says instantly, knowing how much I need this. "Yes, please, even if we get lost," I say. Even better when we get lost and need to stay out longer. "Then we'll have to hurry and leave as soon as we're done with work," Maja says and I let out a relieved breath, starting to count the seconds until we can leave. But of course, I wouldn't get away that easily. When we're almost done with the cleaning, we get called down to assist in serving a lunch that has been prepared for the athletes between them arriving and having to leave for training. It's a buffet as usual and therefore not much work, but we still have to stand out there and I have no excuse to hide when he gets up, after a long time of waiting that is, and gets his food as well. Maja signals to me from the middle of the hall where she took care of some extra wish, asking whether we need to change, but I sigh and shake my head. I'm grown up. We still have three days to go. It seems I can't avoid him forever. So I lean against the countertop and watch him like I did all the others before, checking if there is anything I need to fill up. Okay, maybe I watch him a little more than the others. I can see the difference the year made. He seems a little older which was to be expected. But there is more. It's like there's something missing. Maybe he's just tired. Or maybe it's a permanent change. Had I given in to watching the competitions with Maja, I'd know now. Maybe I'd even known how my body would still react when he turns to me, plate not even half full even if we're at the end of the buffet. "Hey." My heart still skips a beat at the sound of his voice, when his eyes travel over my body. "Hey. How are you?" I ask. He shrugs and pushes one hand into the pockets of his trousers. "Been better. Did you have a nice summer?" I swallow, wondering where this is going. Does he really want a conversation? Is there something he needs to hear to have a clear ending because he's also still thinking about me like I do about him? "Yes. Maja and I went on the holiday, as we planned." Of course I've told him all about our plans. Partly also because I wanted to plan a trip to Norway in there as well. "That's good." His voice is a little rougher than I remember it. Or maybe my imagination has betrayed me there. "How was yours?" I ask, surprising myself. I wanted us to interact as little as possible, but now that he's in front of me, talking to me I don't want to let him go again. "Fine. A few competitions, and a road trip to the north," he replies, but it doesn't at all sound like happy memories. When he lowers his head and a strand of hair falls into his eyes, I have to put my hands into my pockets to stop myself from pushing it back. "That sounds fun as well," I say after a moment of silence in which I couldn't help myself from staring at him. He looks up as if some change in my voice betrayed me. "Can we talk again later? Somewhere quiet, without an audience?" He glances towards the dining room where some of his friends already watch us. "Sure," I answer before I can think clearly, reminding myself of the plan to ignore him. "Where we met before?" he asks and glances up to the ceiling. With one look, it's like I'm back on the rooftop last year, winter wind on my skin and shooting stars over our heads. "All right. Text me when you're done?" I ask, half out of reflex, half because I want to test him. He bites his lip, then nods. "As soon as we're back in the hotel." Then he leaves the buffet, leaving me confused because his answer means that he still has my number. Like he was waiting for me remember our last words to each other and text him. Which makes me feel less pathetic because I couldn't get myself to delete his number either.