Lost in You

Chapter 34

I so wish Marius could have come under different circumstances. To see the city where I live, to properly meet Maja and see our flat. Maybe even to see my family. For me to take my time to show him my favourite places in the city. I had so many plans made in my head, during daydreams over the last months for what would happen when he finally came to me. Now, the reality is different, as it always is and we meet at the train station with a kiss that is not at all from a fairytale and a conversation in the back of our minds that neither of us wanted to have. "I've been at the airport here a few times, but I never thought about the city beyond it," he says when we leave the train station and I bring him to my favourite café around the corner of our flat. "I can show you my other favourite places later," I say when we sit down in a corner that will hopefully give us a little privacy. I could have brought him straight back home, made us a coffee there and talk. Maja already offered to leave if that was what we needed. But I don't want an empty flat. In my head, that would make the conversation even worse. I want people around, I want a nice waitress to smile and bring us coffee and cake and soft music playing in the background. "Later. As much as I'd like to avoid it, we need to talk right now. We need to get this over with before I go again or we'll have the same problem we had the past two weeks over and over again," he says after we've ordered. Somehow he even managed to smile and order a giant cookie for himself. "I know. At least it gave me time to think," I say and feel like this should be the point at which I take out a piece of paper and hold a prepared speech. Because I did use the last two weeks in which we didn't meet to think. And to talk to Maja. Enough to know that there most likely won't be a nice city trip later. And he seems to know as well. He came only with a backpack and never mentioned a hotel he needed to check into. "Me too. This is not working out the way we wanted it to, is it?" At least I'm not the one who has to say it aloud. Nor do I have to answer right away because the waitress comes back with steaming cups of coffee, a piece of cake for me and the cookie for him. "No it isn't. And as you said, it's not going to change," I admit and crumble the napkin in my fist. He breaks the cookie in two watches the chocolate chips melt in the middle. "I think you caught my attention from the morning you told me about the bet with Maja and tried to convince me to eat everything I didn't want or shouldn't eat," he says with a sad smile. "I was already looking for you since the day before when you lost your glove. I only never wanted to admit it to anyone, least of all me," I say. His smile widens. "We had a good time back then, didn't we?" I smile back. "I would have never come to the lobby and given you my number otherwise," I say and take a sip of my coffee. "Would you do it again if you knew we'd end up like this? If you knew it would hurt eventually?" "Yes I would," I say right away because I've been asking myself the same thing over and over again, always coming up with the same answer. "Me too. I only wish we would have been able to find a better solution than this." The cookie crumbles in his fingers. I want to tell him that we will, eventually or that we can stay friends. That we can meet again next winter and he can keep updating me on the results and teach me how to ski. That I'll convince Maja that we'll do our summer holiday in Norway, not in Greece. But then again, I know that we've been through all of that and nothing would really change this. "I still try to find one," I admit. He wipes his fingers on his napkin and pushes his plate away. "I take it you would have told me if there was another way?" I only nod and watch him swallow. "Clara, I don't think I can do this and I know you can't either. I love you and I would have loved to get to know you better. But I think for both our sakes it's better if I leave now." I bite my lip, take a sip of my coffee and burn my tongue, anything to not burst out into tears in the middle of the café. Seeing him fight as well doesn't make it easier. "I love you too. I loved every day we spend together. I'll never forget this. But I know you're right. I know we've tried and failed." He reaches over the table to take my hand. "It was just the wrong time to meet," he mumbles. "I know. But despite everything, I can't stop being glad that we tried. That we don't have to live with a what if," I say. "Me too." Then he smiles again, but I can tell it's forced. "If you ever have questions regarding skiing or ski jumping, just text me." I smile back because the alternative would have been crying. "I will. And I'll think of you when I watch the competitions again next year," I say because try as I might, I'm sure I won't be able not to watch. Not to spend the afternoons on the sofa with Maja like we've done the past months. "You don't have to think. You'll see me win again." I laugh, but a tear slides down my cheek. "I do hope I will. I wish you all the best," I say and pull my hand back, hard as it may be. "I wish you the same. No matter what you end up deciding you'll do." I swallow against the lump in my throat. When we pay and leave, my cake is still untouched and the cookie is crumbled on his plate like a terrible metaphor of our relationship. I have to suppress the instinct to kiss him goodbye before he enters the train station again to catch his flight home. Then he's gone, soon home, soon caught up in new adventures. And I go home, knowing that all I can do is focus on the next semester and not think about the fact that I won't see him again until his face will be on TV again next winter and I'll be left wondering if he found someone else, someone who lives next to him, who he'll be able to see when he comes home and someone who won't mind him being gone half of the year. The moment when I finally have to admit to myself that I need to let him go.