Lost in You

Chapter 28

I'm in my bed. It's late at night. Rain hits the windowpane and wind rattles on the frame. A few cars drive by, despite the late hour. Normally, this would be the perfect moment to draw my blanket up to my eyes and fall asleep, knowing that the weather couldn't reach me. But not tonight. I already got to bed later than usual, it being a Saturday night and Maja and I binge watching a series the whole day with the only break being the competition in which I texted with Marius again. The other part of my sleeping problem. It started so wonderful when I came back home. Our plan seemed to work, we were both fine. I was happy that we even stayed in contact. But as the days draw on, it feels like something is dragging me down. There is a sadness in my smile when he sends a photo that hasn't been there before. Meanwhile he still seems fine and I play along, because I don't want to admit that Maja could have been right. That this won't work and I'll just end up hurting. It's too soon to say, the feeling too small to act upon it, but the doubt has found a crack to creep in and that's enough to steal my sleep tonight. I groan and grab my phone. It's after midnight and of course he's not texted me since the goodnight message almost three hours earlier. I get up and go to the window, pushing the curtain aside to watch the cars drive by on the street below. The rest of the snow on the curb of the road has long since turned a dark grey mess and houses stretch on towards the horizon. Neither are there any stars in sight. I think back to the shooting star night we spent on the rooftop surrounded by mountains. I look down on my phone again, our chat still open. And see to my confusion that he's online. That is all I need to click on the telephone icon. Maybe he's just woken up by chance and plans to go back to sleep right away. Maybe he can't sleep either and we'll talk the rest of the night. I don't know what I want and I don't care. I need to talk to him. "Hei. Is something wrong?" His voice is rough from sleep and his accent stronger than usual. "Hi. I wouldn't have called if I hadn't seen that you were awake as well," I say, now a little bit shy for calling in the middle of the night after all. "Can't sleep either?" I hear bedshreets rustle like he's sitting up. "No." Nothing feels right. I miss you. Do you still think this is going to work? Why don't you miss me the way I do you? So many words that all seem to want to get out at once and I can't decide which one to go first, so I'm silent. "It's good to hear your voice. I missed that tonight." Again, what would have once been enough to make my heart skip a beat and swipe my worries away is now met with a wave of sadness. "Me too. But I also needed the evening with Maja. I promised I would stay until the end of the season and then it got too late." I bite my lip, but the words come out anyway. "I miss you. Worse than I thought I would," I add. Again, I hear rustling like he's shifting again. I draw the curtain again and go back to bed when the cold of the floor starts to freeze my bare feet. "Is that why you're still awake?" he asks. He sounds a little more awake now, as if my words have alerted him. "I don't know. Maybe. Among other things," I stutter, not sure what to make of his answer. He didn't say it back, but I can't be the only one suffering pain, right? Not when he just admitted that he missed our nightly phone call. I can hear him sigh through the phone. "Me too, I think. We've only a few weeks left of our competitions." He doesn't need to add that it's going to be even harder after that. It's screaming in the silence between us. "We'll be fine, though. We have to believe we do," I say an echo of words he's told me before. "Yes. I do still believe that," he says, his voice soft. I lean back against my pillow. "Me too," I say, the short phone call having eased some of the pain I've been feeling before. "Good. We should go back to sleep now. It's going to be a long day tomorrow." "I'll be watching," I promise. "I know." I can hear the smile in his voice and when we hang up now, I easily fall asleep to the sounds of the city around me, because during our talk, a plan has formed in my head.