Lost in You

Chapter 36

It's late in the evening when I get the text and sneak out on the rooftop. I think Maja was about to tell me not to go, but I've already made up my mind. I want to keep that last promise to him. And deep down, in a shameful corner of my heart, I want to talk to him as well. He's already there, waiting for me at the other side of the rooftop. I make sure to close the door carefully behind me and walk slowly towards him. To allow myself a few moments of looking at him, leaning against the handrail and gazing out over towards the mountains or the Christmas lights still glowing in the village. He jumps a little when I accidentally kick a stone away. "I didn't notice you coming," he says and I'm glad it's dark enough up here that he can't see my blushing. "I was about to say something," I say softly and cross the rest of the distance between us with more forceful steps. "I wasn't sure you'd come," he says. "I said I would." I look up to the stars to avoid having to look into his eyes. "I'm sorry. About doubting you, about the fact that whatever we had ended." I tear my gaze away from the stars, from the memory of a shooting star-filled night. "Me too." I bite my lip. "How was your season?" He closes his eyes for a moment. "You don't know?" "I haven't been able to watch," I admit, not sure why I'd want him to know that there is still a part of me missing him or missing what could have been. "Not as well as I wished it would be," he says. I only nod with no idea what that means to him. Up close, I can tell that he's lost weight, that he looks as tired as I feel. "Are you coming to the competition?" I act as if I needed to think about the question, needed to calculate what days the competition would be, but of course Maja has already told me the whole plan, including training times and Sophie wanted to get us to come with her again. "No. I need to work," I say. It's not a complete lie. We do have work to do, but no one would have stopped us to go to the competition afterward. "You don't want to watch anymore. Because of me," he guesses right. I swallow and lower my eyes. "It reminds me of what we had. What could have been. I still miss you sometimes," I admit finally. He takes a step towards me and I look up again, but don't try to get any space between us. Not even when he stretches out his hand and touches my fingers. It feels like a lightning shooting through my veins. And then, it feels familiar. Safe. Like what I've been longing for the whole summer. "I'm still here. You came back. Neither of us seemed to have been happy alone," he says. I shake my head and lick my lips when I look up. Into his eyes. Really look at him for the first time since he came back. He holds my gaze. And as if there was some silent signal that we both felt, we move towards each other at the same time. Our lips meet and it feels like my world is shattering and at the same time becoming whole again. It's nothing like our first, gentle kiss. It's harder, filled with longing and the hours we missed over the summer. Filled with everything that could have been ours. When we break apart, we're both out of breath, but I can feel the smile on my lips and he looks dazed, not able to turn away from me. "That was what I needed," he says after a moment. "Me too." There are a lot of emotions and questions whirling in my mind, but as confused as I am, I think that's what it all comes down to. Still, when he leans forward again, I gently put my hand on his chest and stop him. "This is confusing. We're both tired and overwhelmed. I think I need a night to think this over. And then we probably need to talk again. Because I can't go through the same thing as last year again," I say as much as my heart is tugging on me to let my hand sink, to bury my fingers in his hair and pull him closer. I take a step back to get some fresh air. To not have his scent confuse my senses and feel his body heat through my too-thin clothes. He bites his lips. It looks a little frustrated, but he straightens as well. "You're right. We need to think it through this time." "Tomorrow after the qualification?" I ask. "Yes. Will you know when it's over?" I smile. "As much as I tried to avoid it, I couldn't stop Maja from getting a timetable for the weekend and read it out to me," I say. He smiles back. "Tell Maja thanks from me, will you?" I nod and wish him goodnight, then basically flee off the rooftop before I can make any more stupid decisions.