Lost in You

Chapter 30

Yesterday was like a dream. And it rushed by like on as well. One moment I seemed to be on the platform in Munich, the next I said goodnight to Marius before we each returned to our hotel rooms. In the harsh light of the morning, I feel like I've fallen off cloud seven. Like the harsh sunlight has opened up the rips in our plans and made them visible until we can't ignore them anymore. At least I am sure I'm not the only one feeling it when we walk up the still-empty street hand in hand, but it's been some time since we talked. "I wish I could show you everything right now, but I think we should head back now, I can't be late for the competition." "Of course. We still have this evening and tomorrow morning before my train comes," I say and try an easy smile that feels all wrong. It has been easy to be together last night. But then again, this is already the last day we have together once again. "You know you don't have to come to the competition if you'd rather do something else, right?" he asks on our way back, when I stopped to take a picture of a fountain. "What makes you think I wouldn't want to come?" I ask back and lower my phone. "You said yourself that you never watched much and you came all this way, so I thought you might want to explore rather than be bound to the same spot the whole day." He has his hands pushed into the pockets of jacket and his gaze travels past me to the mountains that I know rise up behind me because I tried to include them in the photo for a better effect. "I came all this way to spend some time with you. And I do want to see the competition because you're in it. Besides, I already have the ticket." It comes out a little harsher than I would have liked and I bite my lip. Neither of us seems to be prepared to keep walking just yet. "Then I'll be glad to see you watching," he says after a moment of looking at me and turns away, down the street towards where we were going anyway, with no plan. It takes me a few steps to catch up and gently take his hand to make up for the harsh tone. I let out a small, relieved breath when he intertwines our fingers as usual."I mean the way it's going for you right now, I wouldn't want to miss it anyway," I start to chatter, in an attempt to sound cheerful. Thankfully he plays along. "I wouldn't want for you to miss something great either." I smile up at him and then direct our conversation away from distances and competitions towards the beautiful town we're in with the sun casting a soft morning light over it, it looks like something out of a fairytale book. The strain that I've felt from the morning on keeps being there the rest of the day, until we split because he needs to get ready for the competition and I want to change before having to sit on that cold plastic chair for another two hours. I try my best to enjoy the competition. He doesn't win but another Norwegian does and when we meet afterward, he's still in a celebration mood which makes the evening go by fast and with easy conversations, also because I push any other thoughts far away. I smile and laugh, knowing that we can't ignore whatever has come up in the morning forever, but he's ignoring it as well and I don't want to ruin the day for either of us. We should be happy. We're together right now and once we've found a bar and drunk enough cocktails, we start planning the next meeting as well. He's had a great weekend on the hill. There is no reason I should feel sad. And still, I do. It hits me with full weight when I wake up in the morning, sober again and alone in my hotel room. I'm almost glad when we say goodbye at the train station and I can stop pretending. I even imagine that his smile slips a little as well when he thinks I can't see him anymore.