Lost in You

Chapter 35

Spring turns into summer and our summer holiday comes and goes. I try to enjoy it after we've worked so hard to get there. I try to forget the last winter and focus on the things that are coming. On the fact that my internship went well. That I have a perspective for my future. One far away from Norway. I try not to think about him when summer goes over into autumn and my second last semester starts. When the leaves turn golden and crunch under my soles when I go to Uni. I try even harder when the leaves have fallen and November has come. When I look at the TV program and the winter sport is in it again. When Maja sneaks into the living room like a child that knows it has done something forbidden and still hopes to get away without punishment. "Sophie called. I booked us in again," she says without introduction. I swallow I put down the notes I was reading through. "We'll go after Christmas again?" I ask. "Yes. Look I thought it was so much fun last time, all the skiing we've been able to do and the money was good as well. It was like we were getting paid for our holiday. And it might be the last time we both have time to do it together before we graduate in the summer. Please say you'll come and aren't angry at me for making the decision alone I just thought—" she breaks off and I know I have to answer her with something. The truth is I don't want to go. Because there will be three days when I won't want to leave my room, too scared to see a certain person again. I won't be able to enjoy my stay like I did last year, because every corner of that hotel will remind me of him. Of us. At the same time, I understand very well why Maja would want to go and she's right. "Stop apologizing or whatever you were trying to do. I'll come. You were right, it was nice and it was the perfect opportunity. I won't let the three days he may be there stop us," I say, at the same time dreading them more than I should. And wondering whether I should tell him, warn him in case he doesn't want to see me either. The whole summer I've been true to my promise. I avoided anything that could remind me of him. Search Instagram up and down for cooking recipes until Maja was sick of the dirty dishes I was producing, but at least my recommendations became clear of anything ski jumping related. My fingers hovered over the M on the keyboard more than once, but I stopped myself from searching his account. Told myself I don't want to know if he had a good summer season, if he found someone new if he's even able to start this year. "I'm not sure I should believe you. You got that kind of absent look in your eyes that I tried to hunt away during the summer. I almost thought I'd succeeded," Maja says. I shake my head and smile at her, thinking back to our holiday to make the smile come easier. "Please believe me. I do want to come with you. I might dread a potential meeting, but I won't let it ruin or days there," I say, this time with more conviction. Maja lets out a relieved laugh and jumps on the sofa next to me. "Good. Then this conversation went a lot better than I feared." Her gaze wanders to the TV, but this time I shake my head. "I might be able to bear going back to that hotel, serving him and cleaning his room, but I don't think I want to watch him on TV every weekend," I say, even if a few months ago I thought our breakup wouldn't stop me from continuing to watch. "All right. Though I did enjoy those days," Maja says. I sigh. "Me too." "Maybe we could make an exception in December? At least see how it's going before Christmas, before we leave to avoid surprises?" Maja tries again. I shrug, then nod. "Okay. But only to avoid surprises," I say. I tell myself that that won't mean I have his face popping up everywhere again. Only a cosy weekend in our flat, like last winter. Just to get a glance and not be taken completely by surprise when he stands in front of me again. Maja grins and pulls something out of her pocket. "Now that we've got that cleared, Sophie also sent me a map with new ski tours that we can try when we come. I thought maybe it would help if we focus on that part of our stay in Oberstdorf," she says and as always she's right. Leaning over a map and planning ski tours, hikes and spa evenings does help me forget what else will be waiting for me. Enough to make me look forward to December.