Lost in You

Chapter 13

Despite our message and my resolution to walk up to Marius once they arrived, the day came and went and- nothing. I check my phone the whole day to the point that Maja threatens to take it from me and finally makes me do a short hike with her after we've helped prepare breakfast the next morning. While the others have their training. Of course Maja chose a route that doesn't even has us come close to the hill. "You either talk to him now or you drop it. But then you'd always wonder what could have been," Maja pants while we walk up a steep hill. The snow makes me lose my grip over and over again and my shoes slip back. Maybe talking to him would have been easier than this hike after all. "I will. But I can hardly storm in his room or burst into the training like that to talk to him. And as we weren't needed for breakfast this morning, the conversation has to wait until I catch him," I say. "You could write him a message instead of staring at your phone the whole day," Maja says. I'm glad I'm behind her, so she can't see when I roll my eyes. "Can we focus on getting back without breaking a bone for now? I'm not sure why I even let you lead us up here in the first place," I say when Maja stops next to a bench to look down the street we came up on. It's icy and slippery. Going back down seems reckless, but we have to go back that way or risk getting lost. "The view," Maja pants and stretches out her arms as if to hug the snowy mountains and the evergreen trees stretching out around us with the lights of the city in the distance seeming like a world away. "It's great," I admit. "You're going to miss it once we're back in Munich, so I thought we should use every free moment to enjoy nature while we're here. Besides, it's a great distraction and it makes you feel better." Reluctantly, I agree with that as well. Out here, my problems seem as far away as the city. "Seeing it like that, I could stay here forever," I say. Maja laughs. "I don't think we'd survive for long. And there are dirty rooms waiting for us in the hotel, so we should get back before the guests come back," Maja says and draws reality back to us with a few words. I sigh and lean forward on my hiking poles. Maja doesn't wait for an answer to begin a slow and careful descend that leaves me sweating in the cold winter afternoon. When we're back in the hotel, cleaning rooms while the sky outside grows grey, I realize how much I needed the tour. Maja is somewhere on the other side of the corridor and I'd still like to talk to her about all my worries. But I do feel more settled, more at ease with myself than I did before the hike. But even that can't calm me when I open his door and half expect him to to be there, waiting for me. He doesn't. The room is empty and clean. Not much for me to do. They haven't been here and he must have spent most of the time outside, training. I still walk through the room, checking everything. I'm about to leave when I find the piece of paper on his table. It's folded neatly and has a C written on it, the only reason why I would even start to think about picking it up. I'm sorry we didn't see each other yesterday. I wasn't sure you'd want to see me enough for me to ask around for you. Or if that would be appropriate. But I do want to see you. If you feel the same way and this note reaches you in time, find me on the rooftop after dinner. I pull out my phone right away, but there is still no message from him. I put it away along with the note and leave his room. My heart feels like it's about to beat out of my chest and there is nothing I can do for now. I push the cart to the next room and enter. Maja is working somewhere and I should do the same. At the same time, I wonder if he expects an answer over the phone. It would only be fair, especially because I know what I want to do. But writing him that I'm coming right away seems reckless. I want to talk to Maja, I want a moment to catch my breath and think what this might mean. If I can still save my heart from aching in case I take all of it the wrong way. That's why I need my friend first. I throw myself into the work because I need to have time for Maja as soon as possible and because it has become a meditative thing to do when I need to think. I don't end up waiting for both of us to be done with the rooms. For the first time, it's me who helps Maja with her final room. "I can't believe you caught up with me," she says once again when we meet in the corridor. "I needed to talk to you," I say. "I know. The note. Still, I am surprised that this was all it took for you to find some superpowers. You are going, right? You wanted to find me to get my opinion on some outfit or something? Because you can't be believing that I would be advising you to do anything less than going." I lock the door of the last room behind me. "That's what I've been thinking. And I do want to go, but-" I shrug because finding words for all the feelings I have at once is impossible. Maja puts down her cleaning cloth and hugs me. "You're never going to find out what could have happened if you don't go. And I'd have to listen to you complaining about it for the rest of our lives. So please do us both a favour and go." "What if I misinterpreted something? Text messages can be misleading and we haven't seen each other in a month. I barely know that guy," I say. Maja shrugs. "Me neither. But you're still in contact and he was the one to ask you to the rooftop, so I'm assuming he wants you to come. I think that's saying something, doesn't it?" I nod slowly. I can't see a fault in her logic. Neither do I want to. Deep down all I wanted for the last hour was to run to Maja so that she would tell me going to the rooftop tonight is the best idea I had in a long time. "You're right. I'd be stupid not to go. And don't worry about the outfit, it's too cold to wear anything but a thick coat. Also, we're meeting at night, so it's going to be dark." Maja laughed. "At least try. But aside from the gesture, I hardly think it matters. He's seen you in this already and still seems interested." Maja gestured to my 'working uniform', the green shirt, the white apron over it that makes me feel like a nineteenth-century century maid but has saved the rest of my clothes a few times since then. Often enough that I don't despise putting it on anymore. But it really is not flattering. "You know, that thought takes a little pressure off, concerning the outfit or the way I present myself." Maja hit my arm. "I'll only let you go when I think you've put enough effort in it though." This time, I don't laugh her jokes off. Instead, I stop and turn to her. "I'm glad you're here with me, really," I say, sounding as sincere as I can. Maja's laugh fades to a smile. "Thank you. I'm glad you go along with all my crazy ideas and came here with me."