Cathy didn't really talk to me; she never had kids so she probably doesn't know how to talk to me. After we got past the first few awkward questions like school and how each other are doing, we sat in the car on the way to my parents funeral in silence, just how I liked it.
The night before I woke up at one o'clock and didn't sleep after that as I wrote my parents eulogies. I've probably had about 6 hours sleep, and I feel like a walking zombie. Cathy had prepared my outfit, a black dress and black boots, so I didn't have to do it myself. I hate it but I don't have the energy to argue.
"You don't have to read it if you don't want to." She tells me warmly, and I just look at her. I don't exactly want to read it, but I feel as though I have no choice. I should say something considering these are my parents.
When we arrive they're already a few cars. Friends and distant family. Some I have never seen in my life, yet they still tell me how much I have grown and that I must be very strong. They don't see how much I really am suffering because they don't actually care.
"They were great people." One elderly lady tells me. I feel a flash of anger, I have never seen this lady in my life yet she thinks she has the audacity to tell me that my parents were great people?
"Who the fuck even are you?" I spit, before walking into the church.
They're already a few people sitting in the pews, a couple rows back from the front. Some I do recognise, but I just wave and sit up the front with my fathers adoptive parents.
"Hello." My nan says to me, I fake smile as I sit beside her, she taps her hand with mine.
"Are you reading?" She frowns as she looks at the folded up piece of paper in my hands.
"Yes." I tell her curtly, as if I wasn't going to be reading from my own parents funeral.
"This is no place for a child." She whispers to my grandad. My hands tighten to fists as I try to remain serene in respect to my parents. Don't cause a scene.
"Please can everyone gather in the church." A familiar voice calls outside. My dads best friend- Dave. He stalks in and places a packet of cigarettes on my dads casket and a single lily on my mothers (her favourite flower). He walks past me, handing me a single cigarette on his way, which I smile gratefully for.
Everyone stands when the priest walks in, and he gestures with his hands for everyone to sit.
At first he spews about how they were great parents and didn't deserve to die and that they're in gods hands now. He then says we have some readers; and I realise it is my turn to speak.
With numb legs I stand and take my place at the front of everyone, I take a big breath, and then speak.
"I'd be lying if I said my parents were the best, and that I loved them at all times. They both had faults, my father was an avid smoker, and my mother bitched about half the people in here, and then acted fake in front of them.
I was a little shit to them, yet they handled all my problems with care, and for that, I'll be thankful. They were young parents and could've shipped me off to care like my fathers parents did, but they didn't. Because even know they didn't know me, they loved me, and I feel the same way about them now.
Before I wrote this I had no clue of what I was going to say, but I knew I didn't wanna bullshit and say about how amazing they were in life and we always got along. Every day I think I had an argument with one of them. When they died we were still in an argument. The last thing I told them is that I hated them." At this moment the tears I had been holding in for so long start leaking, and I haven't even got half way through my eulogy. I try to continue but the words get stuck in my throat and I just sit down, as I walk past multiple people they tap my back in pity; which is not what I want.
The next reader is my fathers adoptive mother. Her face is bland as she hobbles towards the front of the church.
"My son, was the greatest son a mother could ask for; even if he isn't my real son, I feel as though we had the same bond as a mother and son really do. When he was young, I'd come home from a long day at work, and he'd try his hardest to make me smile and when he got older, he realised I was tired and would make me dinner. When he got his own family, he paid for my home so that I didn't need to go into a care home. I tried to protect him from the world, but I knew I couldn't, so I let him do his own thing, maybe one too many times. I loved him with all my heart."
"You let him die." I hear myself say, everyone turns to me in shock.
"What?" She gasps, bewildered. All the emotions I have had has suddenly directed towards her.
"Don't bullshit about loving him when you didn't even have the hope in him that he could return." I point my finger at her and stalk towards her. She looks at me in shock then anger.
"You ungrateful little brat; he was in pain." She exclaims.
"No, you was just to stingy to pay the medical bill." I explode, everything becoming clear to me.
"You're right; you are a little shit." She spit, quoting my earlier eulogy. The tears come at full force, this is just too much.
"Barbara..." Dave says, taking my arm and pulling me away.
"No! She needs to hear this! You were a terrible daughter!" She shouts over the church, her voice echoing throughout.
"I hate you." I say, my voice sounding weak as I walk as fast as I can out of the church.
I probably look a state as I walk through the streets crying. I go to the place I always went when I lived here before; the park. It's not an actual park, just a massive field, but I always went there when I was upset. I just lay there, beside the oak tree, and stare up at the sky.
I grab my phone after I think a few minutes, but realise I've been there for hours. It is now the dead of the night. I have two missed calls from Cathy, 6 from Dave and even one from my dads adoptive mum, I call none of these, I call Luke.
"Hey baby girl." He giggles, and I smile even at my moment of sadness.
"Hello Luke." I sniff and his laughter stops immediately.
"What's wrong? Oh shit, it was today wasn't it?" He questions.
"Yeah, but I'm not calling you because of that. Your voice is the only voice I want to hear right now. It's the only one which won't make me scream." I tell him, and he remains quiet for a moment.
"Please talk." I whisper, and then he does something which surprises me, he sings.
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you..." He sings softly, and I smile softly listening to his beautiful voice. I've never heard him sing.
"Thank you for fixing me." I whisper.
***
Fuck, the feels.
Incase you don't know that song was fix you by Coldplay😚
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Self-Destruction • Luke Hemmings
FanfictionFaith Smith is the girl you wouldn't want to bump into in the hallways. She's angry, loud, cocky, overconfident and is plain rude. She pushes everyone away, even her parents. When an unfortunate accident occurs, she is abruptly removed from her Engl...
