Nights in the Studio - Taejoon

7

Taehyung's POV

My hands are hot. My breathing uncomposed. My head spins a thousand times due to uncertain turns. Inside I have a regret.

That's all I know, and have known for the last two hours. I could not answer.

You didn't want to answer.

My hands on his neck, my trembling legs like tissue between his, my neck caressed by his touch... those words...

'Because I love you.'

What does it mean? Why right now? love what?

I just got up and left the room slowly and unhurriedly, with tears of others in my eyes. He didn't stop me, or at least I don't know if he tried: I didn't want to see him. I closed the door and stayed on autopilot until I reached the empty bedroom. They were all outside, probably enjoying their free time at the gym or something.

How long has it been? All this time, in the blink of an eye. I'm still the same... neither the distance nor the pain helped, nor the desire to fulfill the promise that makes me want to come back to life every time I see his eyes, those eyes.

He told you he loves you...

Does he feel it like I want him to? Will he feel it without lying to me?

I don't even understand how I feel. The endings know how to fuck me from all angles; I can't be happy because I don't even know if I have the chance to be so. I didn't let him explain himself. I hope it was the best decision. Everything is spinning in my head.

The happy ending. I never thought it would be so disappointing, at the time I needed it it seemed to be nothing more than a memory, now that it is reality I can't even trust its origin, nor its freedom. I feel guilty.

I should wash my hands.

I go to the toilet and turn on the water faucet, my hands pale in contact with the cold water and for an instant I can feel it again. There it is, close to me as if wanting to stay there. Because yes, after years he never seemed to care...now.

Was it really because of Jimin? It is a matter of habit...or routine. I don't know what he thinks I am. Always between the fingers like soap suds.

I finish in silence, as always in expectation. I wonder since when he knows, he knows that he loves me, I mean, if he really means it.

He does.

At least that's what I want to believe.

I go out into the dark hallway, unbutton my shirt a little, and let go of my hands. Suddenly the door of our room is present, I enter only to see my martyrdom. Two beds, mine an admirer; and the other, an owner. I go in, I go to his bedspread, I caress it with nothing on my mind, I sit down, then I continue to touch it and allow myself to breathe. The air is pure, impregnated in his perfume, then I close my eyes without knowing.

"Taehyung."

That voice. I open my eyes and he's there, hurriedly closing the door and looking at me. The obsession that sticks me to the bed like a piece of paper.

"You don't have to say anything..."

"Yes I have, just, I don't want you to misunderstand me." I look at him questioningly but he cannot be seen in the total darkness.

"Misunderstand?"

"Yes, about what I said, I don't want you to think that its meaning is..." He is going to say it. No. The 'we are friends'. I can't listen to it. Not again. 

I'm not that strong.

"It doesn't matter," he stops. "I know we're just fri- bandmates. Don't worry about your intention. I understand."

The silence and my need to keep talking. "Taehyung," I hear the fabric of his clothes fold as he approaches, then a hand on my leg that catches my breath "I meant what I said."

Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. He already passed once, he won't do it again. I already swore he wouldn't do this again, I already did. It would be better.

"No, you didn't." I push him away and I get up, he follows me but I still rush to open the door. I don't make it and he grabs my forearm. "Tae-"

"Let me go." Namjoon backs off and I decide to go out, I find myself looking for a place to shelter from the storm in my chest, like a child afraid of the dark trying to find a light. And I find it, but only in a room. I open the door, and those eyes look at me from his bed, with a shy smile with them.

"Tae, you are back early." my footsteps entering and closing the door behind me, him still looking at his phone on his bed "How did it go? did you finish your song?" He seeing how my face was soaked with unspoken words "Tae ... are you okay?" My body finally falling into his bed and sinking into a rotten environment, full of questions and emotions too subdued to be explained, a hand reaching out and caressing my head. "Taehyung-"

"Jimin...can I sleep here?"